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Sweatpants & Beauty | Spring Beauty Trends

By Charlotte W.F. Smith

It’s springtime. Happy flowers, happy sunshine, happy pastels and pink and DAMNIT, THIS IS NOT MY TIME OF YEAR!!

Ahem, Excuse me. So sorry. But you see, I have an issue with spring. A lot of issues, actually. Thus, I also have an issue with spring trends.

Springtime means flowers. I love flowers. Flowers, however, don’t really love me. They shoot out their vile sex dust, otherwise known as pollen, and it covers everything, resulting in stuffy noses and sadness and sinus infections. I don’t know why we constantly remind ourselves of their allergy-inducing power by putting flowers on EVERYTHING in spring, but we do, for some stupid, inexplicable reason.

 

Personally, I like to take my nude smoky eyes and roll them straight to the back of my head when I see it happen. Want to have easy access to both that look and ~that look~? Pick up this palette from Too Faced. Thanks to a huge variety of nudes (THANK YOU JESUS) you can actually find a nude smoky eye that suits your skin tone! What a magical goddamn concept. Unlike pollen. Then you can look at this flower covered case, suppress your urges to call it pretty, and roll those peepers back.

If you’re still somehow in love with flowers, then why don’t you just cover your face in them or something?! Here. A whole bundle of skincare that’s powered by flowers, because obviously you’re somehow immune to their awful dust. Ugh. It’s not like roses and peonies and honeysuckle have awesome skin care benefits. Wait, crap, they do. Just ignore that and grumble at the flowers!

Pastels. I don’t understand pastels at all. Okay, I had a blue toned baby pink lipstick that Lady Gaga made with MAC that was pretty badass, but it just looked weird as hell on me. A pastel shirt or dress is kind of understandable, but pastel makeup? WHY?? Why are you purposely using shades that ten-year-old me would have loved to wear? If ten-year-old me wanted to wear it as makeup, it probably shouldn’t be worn. Just saying. Kinda like this lipstick from Tarte. Okay, yes, it will totally make you look like a magical fairy mermaid princess. But it’s pastel. And pastels are bad.

Wait…you’re saying that’s not pastel enough for you? Seriously?! What’s wrong with you?! Whatever, fine. Use this highlighter that’ll make you look like you belong in a baby’s nursery or a magical fairy garden. Or a baby nursery decorated as a magical fairy garden, which might actually be really cute – YOU’RE GETTING ME OFF TRACK.

Everyone in spring wants “romantic, dewy makeup.” If I hear that one more bride wants a romantic, dewy glow, I’m gonna give her a smoky eye and bold red lip. Okay, maybe not, but I’ll REALLY want to. I don’t understand the appeal of some tinted moisturizer with a dab of crème blush and a swipe of a glossy color-changing lipstick because I’ve obviously never ever done this when I’ve been in a rush in the morning, what the heck are you talking about? Flattering peach-scented blush?

Or a blush from Lorac’s I Love Brunch collection that smells straight up like coffee? Everyone-NO ONE! The answer is supposed to be NO ONE. No, I’m not adding these to my cart. I have no idea what you’re talking about. And let me tell you something.

I gave up sparkly things in my makeup years ago, so obviously any kind of amazing highlighter or shimmery eyeliner or (heaven forbid) glitter lip topper should just never ever be – oh, to hell with it, I LOVE THESE, OKAY?! I love the spring trends. THERE. I SAID IT. I love the pastels and the shimmers and the neutral smoky eyes and long lashes and dewy cream blush, and no one can stop me from getting all of it. Except for my bank account.

Charlotte Smith is an esthetician licensed in Tennessee and Georgia. She’s married to a lumberjack version of Deadpool, is obsessed with huskies, is straight up in quarter-life crisis mode, and loves pretty much anything that could be considered creepy.

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