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Sweatpants & Parenting | Things My Kids Don’t Get

By Cynthia Winters

This is an actual account of just a few of the things my three teens have not yet learned.

Ovens get hot. Some dishes will not come clean in the dishwasher. You have to turn the washing machine on for it to work. The shower needs to be cleaned…yes I am aware that the only thing that goes in there is soap and water. Dirty dishes left in a bedroom will attract bugs. Messy rooms can become a fire hazard. You actually have to look for the lost stuff if you expect to find it.

Sound travels—I can hear every freaking swear uttered from the basement. The sticky spot on the floor is a direct result of spilling something you didn’t wipe up. You and seven of your friends are not going to fit in my 5 passenger car. Driving you EVERYwhere is not an honor. I will not make you a snack since I am “in the kitchen anyways.” When I ask you do something “no” is not a valid response. I don’t care whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.

The coins in the jar are to be used in an emergency. There is no such thing as an emergency slurpee. I am not paying 3 bucks for a soda so drink water. Some shit I do is for the sole purpose of pissing you off because turnabout is fair play. Being grounded from your phone for a week will not ruin all of your friendships or destroy your whole future. I will not take time off work to bring you some bug spray at school (yes, my daughter actually requested this). You have four parents through re-marriage—we will talk about you, drink wine and think up horrible punishments for your wrong doings. I am not buying you $250 shoes. Ever.

I will barf on you if come into my room when I have a migraine. I will broadcast your stupidity whenever I want to. You are not entitled to an immediate answer. I can and will show your friends that baby picture of you. My being home sick is not an invitation for your company. You are going to school even if you are tired from still jacking around on your phone at 3:00 am. If you don’t want to hear a big lecture about something, don’t do it.

You have to think about what you say in front of Grandma. I cannot reach the roof to get your shoe down and I don’t want to know why you threw it there. I am the mom so I will use “because I said so” for the rest of your lives. The gum and perfume actually accentuate the fact that you were doing whatever it is that you are trying to hide. Sometimes my ignorance is bliss, you don’t need to brag about all of your bad-assery.

Just because your friend is over does not mean you get a pass on after dinner dishes, I just fed that little bugger so he can help too. If you are going to sneak school snacks to your bedroom you should at very least dispose of the wrappers. You have two feet and a heartbeat, get it yourself (whatever it is). Contrary to popular belief around here I find cleaning toilets just as disgusting as you do so never mind complaining when it is your turn to do it. I promise you that if you do something wrong, at least one of your siblings will rat you out.

Don’t ask me for help with your math homework—I never understood it when I was in high school and I am not about to learn it now. 44 is NOT old. You had better ask for permission to wear my favorite hoodie. If you wreck my favorite hoodie you will need to buy me 4 new ones. Peep one word while the Walking Dead is on and I will drop you where you stand. For real. I am peeing—get out. I am well aware that you don’t actually wear your winter boots at school, but you will keep taking them so that I will not be found guilty if you die or lose body parts due to exposure.

Most important, though, is that moms need hugs. Lots of hugs. I love you, my babies.

I am Cyndi, a 44-year-old RN living in Edmonton, AB with my fabulous husband and  my three amazing teenagers.  Our lives can be hectic at times so I take the opportunity to journal my thoughts every now and then.  Approaching life with a good sense of humor is essential to maintaining my own mental health.  I admit that I do lapse into rants, but only so I can figure out the what is actually important.  

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