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Sweatpants & Sanity | But, It Won’t Always Be This Way: A Testament to Depression

By Hannah Fields

The morning light filters in your window as your alarm clock announces the coming of another day. You swat at the snooze button, silently begging for only a few more moments of peace. Sleep is the only escape you’ve found these days, though you never feel rested. Once you’ve opened your eyes, you stay bundled under your covers asking yourself if you can make it through another day. You reason with yourself, promising yourself that some positive force is waiting for you while scolding yourself for harboring a sinking feeling you can’t quite explain. As time drags on, you force yourself out of bed and paint on your happy face. This is how you’ll survive another day.

But, it won’t always be this way.

You’ve begrudgingly made it out of your front door and head toward your daily destination. A certain tiredness weighs on your mind, but you try desperately to shake it away. The internal reasoning that began in your bedroom follows closely behind, nipping at your heels. It goes several ways. You remind yourself that others have it worse, you just need a better diet, you are being too negative, you only hurt because you’ve allowed selfish people to hurt you, and the list drags on and on. Your internal monologue grips at your shoulders and pushes you further into that sinking dark hole you can’t quite seem to get out of.

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But, it won’t always be this way.

Being around others only helps in small doses, but all you really want is to be alone. You force laughter, though sometimes genuine, to appease the onlookers in your life. You’ve given up on several attempts at sharing your predicament with others. It always ends up the same. People brush off what they don’t understand with statements such as, “you just need to cheer up”, “try praying it away, it’s a spirit problem not a mind problem”, or “you’re always so negative, so just try to be positive.” Sometimes people don’t say anything, they just ignore you. You’ve discovered what lonely truly feels like, and having just one person attempt to understand is the only thing you ever wanted.

But, it won’t always be this way.

Nights are long when you’re trapped within yourself. You come home and sit alone, all interest in the things you once loved waning away a little bit more each day. You toss and turn in bed, your mind racing with no end in sight. You wonder what you have done wrong to deserve feeling this way. You count all the times you’ve visited doctors and all the medications they’ve shoved your way only to leave you feeling disconnected and numb. You continually feel like you’ll never be enough, that you are falling short of the person you were meant to be. There are even those certain low points where you wonder if living is even worth the trouble and the heartache. Those are the moments where you force yourself to hold on, so, instead, you cry for hours just to alleviate the unexplained ache within your soul.

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But, it won’t always be this way.

How do I know it won’t always be this way? Because I’ve been where you are. I’ve struggled with those feelings for quite some time. I’ve seen the counselors and I’ve taken the pills and I’ve also let those things go. Those feelings of depression never really go away, but one day you’ll wake up and see a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, you’ll be reminded how precious your life really is. You’ll find ways to cope with that sinking feeling that continually tugs at your heart. Some days will be harder than others, but you’ll find a resilience you never knew you had. You will find that you are stronger than you think and that this isn’t your fault. You owe it to yourself to put your mental health first. It’s a tough road, but it’s one you can make it through. It’s in those darkest moments that you have to keep moving and keep telling yourself, “But, it won’t always be this way.”

 

Hannah Fields Photo

 

Hannah Fields is a MLitt Publishing Studies student at the University of Stirling. She has written and edited numerous articles for companies such as KCBD NewsChannel 11 and Lubbock Christian University. Hannah also fills her time blogging about everything from music to coffee to self-love.

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