ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You're parenting wrong.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 12, 2017
Sometimes parenting means hiding in the linen closet to eat your Nutter Butter cookies, so you don't have to share with your kids
— Mitch Ray (@MrRayCHSScience) July 13, 2017
A surprisingly large part of parenting three boys involves attempting to convince them that their arch nemesis is not, in fact, soap.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) July 8, 2017
neighbour: hows babysitting going?
me, edging the door shut to hide the 'Toddler Goat Rodeo, £5 entry!' sign i just finished painting: Great
— (@oscarewilde) July 12, 2017
Just got busted by my toddler when a toy announced, "It's learning time!" from inside the black plastic garbage bag in the back of the van.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 11, 2017
My toddler randomly started saying "uh-oh" with a British accent and that's already cooler than anything I've ever done in my life.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 8, 2017
If you sometimes worry you are too hard on your kids, it's okay, I cut my son's hand off and destroyed my daughter's home planet
— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) July 13, 2017
OMG THERE WERE TONS OF GUYS IN THERE AND THEY WERE ALL PEEING
– my son, discovering the wonders of a baseball stadium bathroom
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 14, 2017
In case you were thinking about having kids, my 3-year-old complained that the water in her cup is too wet.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 13, 2017
If you listen real carefully to the sound of my kids fighting, you can hear the sound of me opening a beer.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 14, 2017
The kids cleaned off a brush,left the wad of hair on the floor & it got stuck on the side of my shirt, but it's dead now & everyone is awake
— Tim has issues (@LaptopShopWH) July 14, 2017
w the kids on a field trip and i was asking a girl if she's allergic to peanuts. she said "my mom said im allergic to boys"
— #FrankOcean out now (@callmekarizma) July 13, 2017
My future kids- "dad tells us a scary story"
Me- "Well this one time I went to the Walmart off Avenue Q…."
— Hamilton Walker (@Hammmmer_Time) July 13, 2017
My kids' memories always start out, "Remember, you got really mad…"
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) July 12, 2017
My mom: "What happens in this house, stays in this house!!"
My mom on the phone with her friends: "Girl, guess what my kids did now!?"
— MoMo (@dj_rocklee) July 12, 2017