Social media is wonderful but fraught with pitfalls, and if you engage in it long enough, you will meet at least one of these commenters.

1. The But Head

The But Head usually precedes statements with “Not to be____but.” And then they go on to be scorchingly racist/sexist/phobic/ignorant because they think they’ve played the magic Get Out of Personal Responsibility Free card. They become deeply offended when you point out that disclaimers don’t change facts.

2. The I Don’t Care Bear

The I Don’t Care Bear likes to pop up on threads where the original poster has declared their enthusiasm for something. Apparently, these creatures are attracted to the scent of people harmlessly enjoying themselves and feel the need to take an immediate dump on that happiness by letting you know they don’t care. They don’t care so much that they took the time to type out that comment.

3. The Expert

The Expert is your most helpful friend. No matter what the situation is, they know how you should be handling it and they will tell you all about it. No, they don’t usually have a degree or personal experience in whatever it is you are talking about. They’re just inherently wise.

4. The Non-Googler

The Non-Googler is allergic to search engines. Or context. They prefer to comment letting you know that they have no earthly idea what you are talking about and then ask you to explain.

5. The Minimizer

The Minimizer is uncomfortable with any sort of pain or intensity. Like an emotional fire-fighter, they show up to pour cold water on your feelings by letting you know it could be worse. Because it could always be worse.

6. The Left Fielder

The Left Fielder is generally well-intentioned but deeply confusing. Their comments come out of, well, left field, and often bear no relation whatsoever to the topic at hand. They just had a thought and wanted to share it. Butterflies are shiny.

7. The Creeper

The Creeper is most often but not necessarily exclusively male. They have a burning need to make every thread weirdly and overtly sexual, no matter what is being discussed, and they get mad at you when you are not flattered by their attentions.

8. The Provocateur

The Provocateur just wants you to fight them. They will become increasingly aggressive until you are forced to block them, after which they will feel victimized because, hey, they were just trying to have a discussion. Snowflake.

9. The Arbiter of What You Should Care About

The Arbiter wants to make sure you “don’t get distracted!” Whatever the thing is you are concerned about, it’s not the right thing. There is a bigger, better, more important thing, and if you were any kind of decent human being, that’s what you’d care about.

10. The Stage 5 Clinger

The Stage 5 Clinger loves you. Like, a lot. Never mind that you barely know each other and have been friends for about 30 seconds. They LOVE YOU. And to show this, they will post long, intricately-composed, incredibly intimate comments on pretty much anything you post. Even if it’s just a picture of a spider you found in your coffee. Their love is holy and pure.

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