Being the intellectual-type person and father that I am, I have come up with some observations and some answers to the mysteries concerning the raising of children. I feel that sharing them with the world will advance parenting technology by decades—perhaps even centuries—and if you don’t have children, maybe these droplets of knowledge will give you a little glimpse of what you are in for.

1. It will be your kid who won’t stop grabbing his crotch during the first grade Christmas program. Count on it.
2. Vomit on your shirt, vomit on the carpet, vomit in the car, vomit on the floor next to the toilet.
3. Yes, it needs stitches, it is broken, it is a chicken pock.
4. If you have boys, take all your sockets and wrenches and throw them in the garbage. It’s either that or have them all be lost and/or left on the lawn to rust. They are gone either way, but throwing them away yourself is much less infuriating.
5. How long will a child stand naked in the show screaming, “WILL SOMEONE GET ME A TOWEL?” Fifteen minutes and twenty-six seconds.
6. Yes, that really is a good price for a prom dress.
7. Those people you know who you think are horrible parents? They think you are a horrible parent.
8. The last known iPhone charger that can be found in the house is always your daughter’s charger, and whatever phone chargers can’t be found must be your charger—even though your charger never gets unplugged from the outlet nearest your spot on the couch and happens to be where the last iPhone charger in the house is currently located.
9. You can teach your kids all the nice, happy songs in the world, but it will be Highway to Hell (which they heard one time for fifteen seconds on the car radio) that they will choose to sing at show and tell.
10. If you have teenaged girls and wonder what in the world they could possibly do with all that toilet paper that they consume? They magically transform it into hair and throw it into the shower drain.
11. It’s your daughter’s cat until it’s time to change the litter box. Then it’s your cat.
12. If you have boys, shave their heads. If you have girls, shave their heads.
13. No, those little toy people and animals that line the edge of your bathtub are not really pointing and laughing at you when you shower. Take a deep breath and ignore them.
14. Everyone already knows that television and screens will kill your child’s brain cells.
15. Most importantly, through all the eye rolls, sarcasm and I don’t care’s, your child wants from you, above anything else, to know without a doubt that they have your unconditional love and acceptance. If you fail with this? You fail parenting.

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