Get ready, kids, because this week’s episode of ANTM had something for everyone. Hot faux farmers? Check. Clown-inspired freak-outs? Check. Cross-dressing aliens? Oh my, yes. Are you as excited as I am? Then let’s dive in!

Gossip Girl: As always, we kick off with the person who barely avoided elimination last week — in this case, Jiana — declaring that she has to “bring it” each week. Can we just stipulate for the record that, this being a competition, all of you should be doing that ever week, and thus dispense with this weekly bit of redundancy? Meanwhile, Chris tells Nina that he “has love for her,” which is totally different from being in love with someone. Which is, pretty much everyone agrees, how Jeremy feels about Jourdan. The hunk tries denying that he has, in fact, been struck by Cupid’s arrow, but the only one buying it is himself. Jiana, too, declares she’s totally not going to allow herself to be distracted by Phil. Which seems like a good idea since A) he has a girlfriend; and B) he is easily distracted by absolutely anything and everything. Remember Doug the talking dog in the movie Up, whose scenes usually went something like this: “I am a very good dog and would very much like to.. squirrel!” That’s Phil.

Cut To The Tape: What do pretty people do when they get bored? Initiate prank wars! The guys decide to break out the duct tape. Are they going to practice “tucking” so they can next go on the far-superior RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE? Sadly, no. They decide to tape everything the girls own to everything in sight. Instead of getting upset, the girls find it kinda funny, later pinky-swearing to get revenge. What makes this scene particularly odd is that three of the young ladies — and I use the word oh so loosely — are in a bubble bath at the time. Is this normal behavior? Have I missed out on a rite of passage, the three-people-in-a-tub funfest? Surely, this is only done by girls. I find it hard to imagine three guys engaging in this kind of behavior. There’d be far too much concern about whose junk is where.


Close Encounters Of The Cross-Dressing Kind: Apparently, it’s Kelly Cutrone’s week to pimp a friend/client, so she breaks out designer Jackie Fraser-Swan. Turns out Jackie is the great-great-great granddaughter of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who would no doubt be thrilled to have his name plastered on her fashion line, Emerson. The challenge? To come up with a concept for and execute every angle of a photo shoot. They are to style, direct and photograph themselves committing “random acts of modeling”… which is every bit as meaningless as it sounds. What makes this particularly interesting is that Emerson only designs women’s clothing, so the men are picking their wardrobe from selections Kelly picked. Cory, Kanani and Don are chose as “group leaders” based on the fact that they had the highest score after last week’s panel. First up? Cory’s team, which consists of himself, Phil, Jiana and Chris. Phil decides to “modify” his outfit (read: rip), which infuriates Kelly. Despite the fact he was both styling himself and showing initiative, she takes him to task and then picks his wardrobe for him. Have I mentioned lately how much I loathe this woman? It bears repeating. Anyway, Cory dons one of the Emerson dresses and morphs into the fiercest alien this side of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA’s Six. Phil struggles with the challenge, eventually chucking a rock… which breaks a fence on the farm they’re all using as a location. Next up, Team Kanani. She, Renee and Jourdan decide that their concept is that they are orphans who were adopted by a “crazy farm family” who are “fabulously fixing a tractor.” Now, for those keeping track, this team is one person short (both of the others have four), but they also have what seems like a serious advantage: They’re all women, and the client, you’ll recall, only makes women’s outfits. At one point, Jourdan apologizes to her teammates for her bad behavior of a few episodes back. Finally, Team Dom — featuring himself, Marvin, Jeremy and Nina — come up with a cool story: Jeremy is a rich farmer whose wife, Nina, is sleeping with two of his ranch hands.

Duh: When it comes time to judge the photos, Cory’s team is told by Jackie that they did something cool and interesting… but she didn’t like the way they sold the brand. Because, you know, cool and interesting are two words you certainly don’t want associated with your clothing line. In a voiceover that was clearly recorded after the fact and dubbed in, Kelly scolds Phil that “damaging property will reflect poorly” on their overall performance score. It’s 2013. How come The CW can do shows in which people turn into supernatural creatures, but they can’t manage to do a voiceover that doesn’t sound fake as a three dollar bill? Team Kanani — you know, the three chicks — is told that they did an awesome job of selling the clothing. Which was easier for them that the other teams because, follow closely, they were three women modeling women’s clothing! Marvin’s team winds up with the photo the judges like best… but, whoopsie, there’s not a girl in it! Not surprisingly, Team Kanani — aka Team Three Chicks — wins.

Clowning Around: Back at the thouse, Chris freaks because he has a low score. As is his way, he takes out his frustration on everyone else… which pushes his only friend in the house, Nina, right over the edge. “The person who never fights,” she declares, “is now upset, thanks to you!” Meanwhile, the guys decide to up the stakes in their prank war by freaking the girls out with clowns. Apparently, everyone knows that Kanani is afraid of the circus performers. What nobody knows is just how freaked she gets by them. A little stuffed clown causes her to curl up in a ball and hyperventilate as if Tim Curry’s Pennywise from Stephen King’s IT had dragged her down into the sewers.

Nailed It: At the next day’s challenge, Johnny reveals that Tyra has “a fascination with nail art.” So that day’s shoot involves the guys and gals taking glamour shots featuring highly stylized fingernails. So let’s see… the first challenge of the week involved a women’s-only clothing line, and now we’re doing nail polish. Anybody else beginning to suspect that when the producers came up with the idea of incorporating guys into the show for the first time, they never really thought beyond, “Hey, let’s throw guys into the mix!” Anyhoo, Chris tries making things right with Nina, but she gives him the cold shoulder. Unfortunately, she’s so distraught about their bickering that it distracts from her performance. Jeremy whines about this week’s challenge being a solo shoot, saying he much prefers working with others. And by “others” he means Jourdan, the girl he is totally not in love with… although he does admit that he finds her attractive, and she finds him attractive. But, you know, he’s totally not into her. At this point, Jourdan kinda snaps. She’s had as much of his puppy dog routine as she can stand, and even goes so far as to call Jeremy “obsessed.” He takes this both to heart and to his photo shoot. Jourdan, however, is unfazed by the dustup and rocks her shoot. The same can’t be said for Kanani, who apparently is still being haunted by the whole clown thing. Oh, it’s worth mentioning that the photographer for the week — Franco Lacosta, who never actually touches a camera — is weird as heck. Afterwards, as the models prepare to be judged, Jeremy says he’s “getting better and better each week” and that he “deserves this.” Just to be clear, neither is actually true.

Send Out The Clowns: The scores during judging are all over the map, and BryanBoy actually looks bored by the whole thing. The oddest moment comes when Kanani — whose photo looks as if it was snapped about two seconds before she decided to nap — gets a 5 from Rob, a 5 from Tyra… and, inexplicably, a 9 from Kelly! Jourdan, of course, gets great scores and moves one step closer to her seemingly inevitable win. Kelly says Phil looks like “some kind of weird Roman gladiator who was a cross-dresses and got left in the lion’s den.” It’s an amusing remark, but it leaves me wanting to remind her that he had absolutely no say over his styling, which is what she’s critiquing. Tyra says that Chris “did her proud” and gives him a 10. Once the completely random scores are handed out, Jourdan winds up winning, with Cory coming in second. Jiana is in the bottom four, with Tyra declaring, “You can do so much better” despite the fact that we haven’t seen much evidence to back up that particular claim. Kanani, Phil and Jeremy wind up in the bottom 3, with two of them to be sent packing. First to go is Jeremy, who says, “If I had more experience and knowledge, I could have made it farther.” And this might well be true, once again shining a bright spotlight on the fact that this show no longer even attempts to teach the contestants anything, which was once a vital part of each cycle. Next to go is Kanani, who collapses in tears yet again as Marvin, from the sidelines, apologizes for the whole clown thing. Perhaps the saddest moment is when Kanani, who is 19, reminds us that she has a kid who is a year-and-a-half old and “counting on” her. The whole thing leaves me kind of sad, because this is what society is producing: children who have babies and then hope to become famous as a singer/model/actor in order to support said child. But on the bright side, next week, Chris has a meltdown and is accused of having crazy eyes! So… bygones!

Do you have anything that scares you as much as the clowns did Kanani? Can anyone keep Jourdan from walking away the winner? Sound off in the comment section!

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