You can never be too rich or too thin, but according to one of the designers on this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, you can have too good a walk! So which strutter suffers that curse? And which of the ladies seems to finally give Starvin’ Marvin the affection he needs to survive? Read on for all the details!

Cry Me A River: Following Jiana’s elimination, everyone returns to the house, where the pic of last week’s winner — Jourdan — is up on the screen. This is so regular an occurrence at this point that Cory dubs the TV “Jourdanvision.” It’s now virtually unthinkable for Jourdan not to wind up in the final two, and most likely the winner of the cycle. But apparently, we have to continue pretending people like Phil have a shot. At least to pass the time, the show offers us up a montage of Marvin’s endless crying. Seriously, the dude weeps more than a flock of Italian women at a funeral. On the plus side, he may finally be getting a little action in the lady department, as Renee has inexplicably taken a liking to him. You can tell because she calls him annoying and slaps away his hand, declares him “cute but, like, 30 years younger than me.” Eventually, Renee admits to her frenemy Jourdan that she’s crushing on Marvin. She even snuggles with him in his bed that night.

Book ’Em!: The next day, Rob swings by with Alexis Borges, head of Next Modeling Management. I swear to God, Jourdan tries to have eye sex with the guy the second she finds out who he is. Yup, she is gonna win this thing by hook or by crook! Anyhoo, the gang is told that they are to sally forth and book themselves a couple of runway gigs! That’s right, it’s time for the go-sees! There are three opportunities to be booked: One (with designer Paulie Gibson) is for both the guys and the gals, while Civil Society is a male-only go-see and XCVI is for the gals. Jourdan is kinda stunned when Paulie Gibson declares her walk “too good.” In fact, while this sounds positively ridiculous, the blonde stunner winds up booking not a single gig! So what happens when a pretty girl suffers a set back? Two words: panic attack! Meanwhile, Nina and Renee are practically celebrating Jourdan’s woes. In fact, Renee sums up her nemesis by telling Jourdan, “You’re like a cracker with no salt.” Girlfriend, that deserves a special Recap Edition “Oh, Snap!” While Chris, Phil, renee and Don each book two shows, Cory and Nina book one each. Marvin joins Jourdan in the losers circle, with neither of them booking a gig. When asked what went wrong, Jourdan shares that her walk was deemed “too good” while everyone rolls their eyes. But she ain’t lying! The Next guy gives Jourdan credit for being honest about why she didn’t book anything… meaning the producers told him to say something positive because there’s no way Jourdan’s going to be dinged for this. She’s the star, doncha know!

Walk Of Shame: At the runway shows, everyone but Renee is pretty awful. Phil certainly does not have to worry about being told his walk is too good, because he looks downright ridiculous. At one point, he strips off his jacket as if the sleeves are stuffed with itching powder, then acts as if he’s using it to beat a spider off the runway. It’s not at all surprising when Renee is declared the winner of the challenge. The following day, the crew heads out to Canyon Ranch so that they can lay in the grass and be photographed by a camera hanging in a tree. Sigh. I miss the creative shoots arranged by Jay Manuel. There is really nothing at all inspiring about the shots being taken this cycle. Apparently, even laying down on the job is a struggle for Marvin, who takes direction about as well as a child on a sugar high. Phil is yet again taken to task for having one expression. Because this is all so incredibly uninteresting, I’m actually grateful when Jourdan picks up a frog and tosses it on Renee, who — being a pretty girl — freaks out in appropriate fashion. The way the show is playing this rivalry — and given how God-awful the guys are doing — I’m beginning to think this won’t, as I originally predicted, come down to a guy and a girl, but rather to Renee and Jourdan. Back at the house, Renee and the guys get into a bit of a verbal tussle over whether a guy or girl will win. Phil gets pretty heated, having not yet read the memo reading, “Dude, you have no shot. Chillax and enjoy the ride until it comes to a complete stop… which is gonna be really, really soon.”

Farewell… And Welcome Back: As judging gets under way, Trya says Jourdan’s pic looks “cheap.” The other judges give her a 9, but Tyra gives her a 6. Kelly says Cory’s “trunk” looks distorted and long… but as usual, it has nothing to do with him or the pose, it’s the god-awful “fashion” he’s forced to sport. Rob says Chris looks like something “out of Twilight”… and he means it as a compliment. Kelly says she’s giving Chris “jazz hands… a 10” and then does some weird, floppy thing with her hands that bears absolutely no resemblance to jazz hands. Somewhere, Bob Fosse is rolling over in his grave. Tyra tells Marvin that when he smiles, “he turns into a baby” and that he should “smile less” when he goes on go-sees. Chris gets top photo, with his gal pal Nina being the runner-up. Phil and Marvin are left to face off as the bottom two, and it’s Phil who (finally) wants up being booted. Tyra then brings back all the axed models and we get to see the shoots they’ve done since being eliminated. Unfortunately, they flash by so quickly that it’s a blur. Sure, I could go back and pause on each one but… well, I’m just not that interested. Okay, maybe in Jeremy, aka the Bootylicious Virgin. Seriously, I’m not making this up… that’s what the show has dubbed him. Anyhoo, Tyra says that the former poser with the highest social media score will join the others in traveling to Bali. And the chosen model is… Alexandria. Phil weeps, as if he had a chance, but his tears are nothing compared to Alexandria, who cries and collapses like a true drama queen. But wait, there’s more! Because Tyra is also going to choose a guy! Meaning Phil gets another chance to weep like a baby! But he’d better space out those tears, because we won’t find out until next week who the lucky fella is…

So, which guy should join the crew in traveling to Bali… and why? Did you agree with the judges’ selection of Chris as the week’s top contender? How is this season stacking up to past cycles? Sound off in the comments!


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