Wedding Bell Blues: This week, our aspiring models scaled new heights (literally) before taking the plunge (photographically). Miss any of the fun? Fortunately for you, we didn’t! So let’s dive right in!
Beauties & The Beast: We pick up where things left off last week, with the guys and dolls told their very first official duty as budding superstars will be to walk a catwalk that just happens to be the side of a building. Honestly, right about there I’da said, “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” But we all know that today’s youth have no fear, so our foolish mortals get themselves all prettied up so they’ll at least leave a gorgeous corpse if they should fall. Backstage, Tyra is helping do the make-up, although I have a sneaking suspicion that the second she finishes, one of the pros comes along to finish the job. While in the make-up chair, Chlea, who is kinda terrifying looking, tells nasty judge Kelly Cutrone that she is, um, nasty. Kutrone proves that she’s the kinda woman who can dish it out but not take it, making an even stankier face than usual before snipping “Who asked ya?” Chlea scores major points with me by not only refusing to be cowed by Kutrone, but in a cutaway saying, basically, “Beyotch.” The kids head up to the roof, get strapped into a contraption that’ll keep them from going splat and do their thing as best they can.
Tower Of Terror: As one might expect, the resulting runway show is kinda ridiculous. After all, some of these kids have never strutted their stuff on the ground let alone down the side of a building. A week ago, poor Mike was scooping ice cream (as they love to remind us), so it seems particularly mean when Cutrone says he has the worst walk she’s ever seen. Of course he does! Y’all haven’t given him one bit of training! Remember the days when “the J’s” would actually offer them tips? Not surprisingly, Mike winds up in the bottom score-wise. Bianca – who opted to let the wire-controlling dudes lower her as opposed to, you know, doing the assignment – joins him. Mike sees this as an opportunity to hit on his fellow loser. Marvin and Renee wind up winning the competition, with Renee coming out on top and being given access to the Tyra Suite and the Guess closet.
It’s Tough To Be A Bride: It’s time for the photo shoot, and this week’s theme is “alternative weddings.” I kid you not, when Tyra announces that they are all going to be “getting married”, half of these poor, dumb children react as if she means it. This development, of course, freaks out poor Jourdan, who you will remember was married and divorced at 18. (At this point, all our front-runners have been reduced to easy-to-remember clichés. There’s once-married chick, ice cream dude, ball-puncher… ) Jourdan is paired with Jeremy (the virgin) for a nudist wedding, and he winds up having to carry her baggage when she shows up with eyes as dead as those of a Jersey Shore cast member. She eventually perks up and they manage to struggle through… I think. I kinda spent most of the time looking at Jeremy’s abs. Mike and Alexandria post for a shotgun wedding, and it again becomes clear this poor boy doesn’t know that there’s more to modeling than being hot. Kanani and Jiana’s pic is a lesbian wedding, and they do pretty well. The least masculine guy, Cory, is paired with one of the most masculine women, Chela, for a biker wedding that winds up kinda looking more like a lesbian wedding than the actual lesbian wedding pic. Don and Chris H. are the obligatory gay dudes getting married, and while Chris claims not to be thrilled with the idea, he throws himself into the shoot and does such an amazing job that I’m just gonna go out on a limb and predict this won’t be his first gay marriage. Phil is given the awful task of doing a solo shoot in which he is marrying a remote as a sufferer of objectophilia. I’m gonna try not to spend too much time wondering how I not only knew what that was but how to spell it, so moving on… Weirdly, the remote has more chemistry with Phil than Mike did with Alexandria. Nina, Marvin and Bianca wind up having a polygamist wedding, while Chris S. and Renee have a hip-hop shoot at which he’s told to “butch it up a little.” That seems to be a recurring problem with some of the pretty boys, not surprisingly.
Mr. Mike’s Wild Ride: Back at the house, Mike, who realizes he’s out of his element, basically decides that if he isn’t going to win this thing, he’s going to at least drink all the wine in the house. He becomes the literal definition of a hot mess, complete with running mascara, a broken glass and straight-boy weeping. Marvin spends the night hitting on every girl in the house, and Chela declares he has “no game” before making a terrifying face as she unleashes a braying laugh. Chlea, don’t ever do that again. Marvin insists to us that he has sexual chemistry with every girl in the house, leaving me to think he might not actually know what those words mean.
SpectroMagic!: When it comes time for the judging sessions, Tyra shows up with a fierce weave and gorgeous boobs, reminding us all that unlike any past winner, she really <i>is</i> a top model. Cutrone goes out of her way to point out that she thought Chlea was rude before the runway challenge, and I’m just gonna say it: Hello, pot? This is kettle. You’re black. I suspect Cutrone wants to be the judge you love-to-hate ala my beloved Janice Dickinson. Well, I’ll give Cutrone this: She’s got part of that equation down pat, because I have a serious hate-on for her. “Social Media Correspondent” BryanBoy is wearing what I’m pretty sure is my grandma’s floppy beach cap. They begin showing the various pictures, which this season feature elements that actually move. And while this flicker effect looks kinda cool, when they go in for the all-important close-ups on the faces, the pics aren’t clear. Apparently, they’ve decided that this flicker element is more important than being able to get a good look at the pics that the models are being judged on. As each model is judged, BryanBoy weighs in with what fans are saying via social media. This is just awkward and confusing, since those of us actually watching aren’t able to take part as it was all recorded ages ago. Jeremy looks as if he threw up in the back of his throat when a fanboy calls him cute via video, and BryanBoy insists that fans of Phil’s aren’t happy with him, despite this being exactly the opposite of what social media was telling me as I was live-tweeting. In the end, Mike, Bianca and Chris S. wind up in the bottom three. Mike is safe (which isn’t entirely surprising since Tyra personally recruited the dude), while Bianca and Chris are sent packing. And while much was made about how short Chris is, I leave him with this parting note: If television has proven nothing to me over the years, it is that models can overcome their lack of stature. Just ask Lucy Ewing of DALLAS or ALL MY CHILDREN’s Erica Kane!
Next week is the always tear-inducing make-over session. Who do you think will wind up crying? Who’ll get the most awful new look? And just how much do you despise Kelly Cutrone? (I can’t be alone in this!) Sound off in the comments below!