On this week’s episode of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, there was a little smooching, a little fighting and a little cross-dressing. Er… huh? Yeah, let’s just back up and take it from the beginning, shall we?

Hold The Phone: We start with Jourdan enjoying the perks of having won last week’s challenge… mainly, she’s gazing lovingly at her winning picture. If she had a thought bubble, it would read, “I like me… what do you think of me?” It’s probably a good thing she doesn’t actually ask her housemates that question, because she wouldn’t like the answer… especially after what I’ll dub Phonegate. It seems that as the winner, Jourdan gets to decide how to divide the limited phone time the group gets. She winds up deciding that she and bestie Nina will each get 10 minutes, with everyone else getting five. But once Jourdan gets on the phone, her beau – apparently having never seen an episode of the show (or, for that matter, a high-fashion spread in a magazine) – is upset about how much skin she’s been showing during shoots. As a result, they yammer on well past the 10 minute mark as outside the phone booth (which I’m gonna call a Tardis just to keep things interesting), the others are circling like angry, hungry little sharks. Confronted, Jourdan basically says, “Tough titties, folks!” which, in a stunning development, does not settle well with the others. Little Renee – you know, the one I’ve been calling a sweetheart – goes so far as to say, “Girl, I will slap the stupid out of you!” I instantly like her 20 percent more. Jeremy foolishly throws himself into the fray by defending his crush, Jourdan. Cory sums up how well that goes best by muttering, “You stupid, sad puppy dog!” Jourdan whines in the diary room that people don’t like her because she’s such an awesome model, failing to follow the bread crumb clues that have led the rest of us to conclude it’s because she’s kind of a beyotch.

Talk To Me: Challenge time! Im going to assume that “Social Media Correspondent” BryanBoy has not only been reading my recaps but taking them to heart, because for the second week in a row, he’s dressed like a human being instead of a cartoon character. (I’m still haunted by that ridiculous hate he wore earlier this season which made him look for all the world like Louise on BOB’S BURGERS.) Anyway, with BryanBoy toning things down, how do we amp things back up? Why by bringing on notorious gossip hound (read: trash talker) Perez Hilton. Perez and BryanBoy have the various models interview people on the street. The adults, of course, encourage the children to partake in outlandish behavior like stipping down and asking inappropriate questions of their interview subjects. Because, you know, this is all about teaching them how to be professional spokesmodels. Not a single viewer is surprised when Perez instructs Jeremy to take off his shirt, followed by his pants. Marvin, meanwhile, scores massive, huge bonus points with me when he refuses to play Hilton’s reindeer games. “If I have to bash someone to become famous,” says Marven, “I’d rather not become famous.” He later says to Hilton, “I’m not going to be like you and bash people for no reason.” And I want to give credit here not only to Marvin, but also the producers who left this in rather than edit it out in order to make their guest look better. But the best moment goes to one of the anonymous people being questioned. When Alexandria asks that he describe his look in three words, the unemployed dude replies, “Can’t afford better.” You, sir, are the real winner. Well, not really. Technically, Jeremy is rewarded for having followed in Hilton’s footsteps by proving he’ll shed his dignity as quickly as his clothing. Rewarded with a nice meal and told he can chose one other person to go with him, he picks… oh, come on, do I even have to say it? Fine. Jourdan, who spends the meal reminding us yet again that she was married as a teen. Do the producers get a grand every time she says that?

Dude Looks Like A Lady: This week’s modeling assignment is one that professional posers deal with on a near-daily basis, I’m sure… they are asked to don the garb of the opposite sex, do a silly ad and then make out. I kinda love how Phil, as always, throws himself into the challenge with gusto. You get the feeling that if they said, “Okay, this week, we’re going to lop off your penis and have you pose with a rabid pit bull,” Phil’s response would be, “Awesome!” Cory suspects, as do I, that this will be a cinch for him. After all, the judges have spent weeks telling him to “man up” and now, finally, he can play to his androgyny. And rock it he does, looking fierce as a businesswoman who winds up making out with Alexandra’s suited faux dude. As I’d have guessed, Don makes a pretty sexy chick (even with the stubble), and when it comes time for Jiana and Phil’s preppy pair to kiss, they go for it with gusto… and tongues. Chris, too, makes a very sexy woman, and I can’t help but suspect this may not be the last time he’ll find himself in a dress.

Girls On Film: Back at the house, everybody hits the hot tub, where Jiana gets ticked that Phil seems determined to bring up his girlfriend. And you have to feel bad for Jiana on a few levels. First, although Phil claims to be all about his girlfriend, he’s been circling Jiana like me at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Plus, let’s face it: Who here hasn’t, at one time or another, been attracted to someone who wasn’t available? Someone who maybe flirted more than they should, but who thought it was all just harmless fun? Hmm… maybe I should bring this up in my next therapy sessions. Anyhoo, when it comes time for judging, Cory is praised to the heavens and of course winds up being the winner. I’m torn on this, because it seems as if maybe someone who actually struggled toward transforming themselves and pulling it off. I might have gone with Kanani, who instead gets to be runner-up. Jourdan – who was asked to play a Goth guy – says she struggled because she’s never heard that term in her life. Tyra is having none of it, saying she hates stupid models. The kicker, however, is Kelly Cutrone pointing to herself as an example of Goth. Because, you know, she wears black, and that’s all there is to it. In which case, they should be praising Jourdan, because she wore black. Two girls wind up in the bottom two: Jiana and Alexandra. Let’s see… given that Jiana is part of the only interesting story unfolding in the house, does anybody really think the judges (read: producers) are going to send her home? Of course not. Alexandra, it was lovely, but your time here is done.

Did you agree with the decision to send Alexandra home? Is Phil a dog… or just a playful puppy? And who do you see walking away the winner of this cycle? Let’s hear your thoughts in the comment section!

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