House Party: We open with the fallout from last week’s judging session, including Chela reminding everybody that Kelly Cutrone is a rhymes-with-witch. While the other girls suggest she set her mouth on mute, I’m with Chlea all the way. Meanwhile, as Phil says, “hormones are active”… including his, since he appears to be crushing on Jiana. Although she knows he has a girlfriend, she doesn’t exactly seem to be pushing him away. While Don and Marvin are picking clothes out of the Guess closet, we learn that Don is a rapper. Of course, if this was THE BACHELORETTE, we’d all be declaring, “He’s not here for the right reason!” But we all know modeling has a shelf life, so a player’s gotta be thinking long-term!
The Bald & The Beautiful
If wanna-be models are weeping and weaves are being woven, it must be make-over week on AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. To find out who gave a hair-raising performance at the photo shoot… and who was chopped, read on!
Chemistry Test: Rob and Tyra come out holding hands and say that they’re finally going to come clean about all those tabloid reports that they’re dating. They admit… that they’re not, but say that the reason the rumors got started in the first place is because they have killer chemistry during their photo shoots. And that’s what the lesson of the day is all about: chemistry. Tyra pairs everyone up, and when Phil’s given a chance to say who he wants, he hesitates. As a result, he winds up with Alexandria, while his would-be snugglepuss, Jiana, is partnered with Don. In the least surprising pairing since bread and butter, Jeremy and Jourdan are paired again. If you think this isn’t because the producers know he’s crushing on her, you are as unacquainted with reality TV as Jeremy is with sex or chest hairs. Tyra says the three steps to creating chemistry in a photo shoot are to have fresh breath, create the appearance of tension and inhale. No, she’s not saying models are so dumb they occasionally forget to breath, but that the act of inhaling, when done right, can be crazy sexy. Go ahead, find a mirror and try it. She’s right. At least when I do it. Apparently, I have awesome chemistry with myself.
Sex Sells: The pairs learn they’ll be shooting with either model/judge Rob or special guest star Alessandra Ambrosio. Hearing the name, I think it’s quite brave of The CW to bring a porn star on, but it turns out she’s actually a very famous Victoria’s Secret model. (I won’t bother saying “Same diff”, because if I know y’all, you beat me to it.) I’ve never heard of her, but the moment she walks in, the would-be posers break into screams, gasps, giggles and some of the most unmasculine swooning you’re ever likely to see. I can’t help wondering if that happens on professional shoots when people find out who they’ll be working with. If not, Tyra might wanna tell these children that. Anyway, the shoot begins and various twosomes are put in some very kinky poses with the supermodel. Phil and Jeremy are stuffed into leather shorts so they can be dominated by a whip-bearing Alessandra. For some reason, this is taking place in a kitchen. Although the shoot is supposed to be about chemistry, the guys are on their knees and Alessandra is behind them, so it seems like this is pretty much guaranteed to be a disaster. Marvin and Chela struggle as well, with her making stank face through the entire shoot. Hey, at least you guys got to use a bed for your shoot! With Chris and Jiana, we’re back in the kitchen again, this time atop a counter with him pawing at her while Alessandra takes pictures and a photographer is taking pictures of all three of them. It’s all very meta. Next up, Don and Alexandria pose in an elevator with Rob. And while Don has perhaps the most gorgeous face in this competition, the dude simply can not pose for the life of him. This is gonna be a problem. Rob then retires to the bedroom for a shoot with Renee and Jourdan, who do a fantastic job. Continuing to prove herself the nicest person in the house, Renee admits that Jourdan is so good it irks her. When it’s his turn to pose, Cory tries keeping in mind that he’s repeatedly been told to butch it up and even manages to avoid looking like he wants to ravage Rob instead of Nina. Kudos, you! Finally, Mike is put onto the bed with Kanani and Alessandra and once again proves that he’s the prettiest piece of furniture you’ll ever see. As I’m thinking he’ll be back in that ice cream truck quicker than you can say “two scoops, please”, he admits that “it’s more difficult to channel these emotions” than he imagined. And by “these” emotions he means any.
A Hairy Situation: Back at the house, a Tyra Mail saying they have to be “a cut above” is so unsubtle that even these crazy kids are able to figure out it’s make-over day. I immediately wonder who’ll wind up crying. Perhaps not surprisingly, it’s Cory, who is morphed into Persis Khambatta when they shave his head. (He spent the rest of the episode wandering around in a knitted cowl that didn’t exactly help pump up the butch factor.) Jourdan is transformed into a bleached blonde and worries that people will call her a dumb blonde. Turns out that not only was she married at 18, but she’s also a high-school drop out. This girl has more baggage than GILLIGAN’S ISLAND’s Ginger took on that infamous three-hour tour. But things get really interesting when a half-naked, heavy-set (read: fat), hairy dude — and I can only imagine the cattle call for that particular casting session — comes in to reveal the dudes are about to be manscaped. Phil being the only one of these guys able to grow chest hair sums his feelings up with, “This isn’t cool!” Interesting, it turns out Phil’s the only guy who winds up avoiding the dreaded waxing. In fact, he winds up getting more hair courtesy of a weave so awful it looks as if it might have last been used by a production of Hair put on by the most cash-strapped high school in the country. As everyone goes on and on about how awesome he looks, I’m beginning to think I may have become completely disconnected from my fellow humans. As for the waxing, what commences is exactly what you would imagine: Shots of guys crying out as various parts of their anatomy are waxed and girls sitting around laughing their butts off. Kelly Cutrone decides that she and Chlea’s relationship also needs a makeover, so they have the tensest, most forced “bonding moment” ever.
Give That Boy An Extra Scoop: Heading into juding, Mike says that he doesn’t think he should be nervous, but he is. Where, exactly, the notion that he shouldn’t be nervous comes from confounds me. Not only was his shoot a disaster, but his makeover — featuring some tame highlights — is unimpressive to say the least. As the judging begins, I find myself thinking, “Who is this nicely-dressed, polite young man on the panel?” Much to my surprise, it’s a toned down, silly-accessory free BryanBoy. I still don’t really care much about his social media updates, but at least he’s not working my nerves for a change. My favorite comment during judging comes from Kelly, who tells Marvin he looks like “a high school boy that snuck into a whorehouse and didn’t hve any money and didn’t have enough game to get laid for free.” Asked of his makeover, Cory admits, “At first, I was scared. I was petrified.” I am horrified on his behalf. Not because of the makeover, but because as a gay man, he knows perfectly well that he’s messed up the lyrics, which are, “First, I was afraid. I was petrified.” If you can’t get “I Will Survive” right, they will come and take away your gay card, young man. Best photo of the week goes to Mike. Yes, Mike. And right there, I realize that my previous suspicion was correct: I have lost any and all ability to see things through the same eyes as the rest of humanity. Well, either that or Tyra’s feeling really foolish
about having personally plucked this boy out of an ice cream truck and, being the big cheese, is trying to buy herself a little credibility by making it seem as if everybody just loved Mike’s picture. Jiana is the runner up, while the bottom three are Don, Chlea and Jeremy. Both guys wind up safe, while Chlea is told to pack her bags. But don’t cry, Miss Chlea, because Tyra reveals that all of the booted models will continue to partake in photoshoots which will be voted on by fans. The person with the highest social media score will be brought back into the competition at a later date. In other words, Chlea, you better get your butt on Twitter. Send Kelly Cutrone a friend request. It can’t hurt!