This week on AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, what may well be the worst showmance in reality history got kinda awkward, and the producers yet again threw an actual contender for the title under the bus being driven by Chris. To help you avoid firing up the DVR only to later say, “Well, there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back,” I’m gonna give you the highlights.
Critics Corner: As always, we start with everyone commenting on the just-concluded judging session. Jeremy speaks for all of us when he questions how Chris is still in the running. But he takes things a tad too far when he actually criticizes Chris for “just standing there” in his photo. Dude, at least the judges didn’t suggest that Chris looked like a torsoless girl, which was basically what they said of your shot. Meanwhile, Nina’s in the confessional revealing that she hears voices telling her she “needs” to be America’s next top model. I’d like to discuss with her the difference between “need” and “want,” but we simply don’t have time. Meanwhile, Marvin’s weeping over the departure of his boy friend — as opposed to boyfriend — Don. “It’s like an alien coming to earth when I see boys cry,” admits Renee, who might wanna get used to it if she’s going to continue dating this emotional basket case.
Bali High And Low: Tyra shows up and, upon learning that Marvin’s shedding tears into the sea, she goes to give him a pep talk. The others all spy on them, then try and pretend like they weren’t. Later, Tyra tells the crew, “You don’t choose Bali. Bali chooses you.” But I’m pretty sure that <i>she</I actually chose them, and Bali’s feeling kinda indifferent toward the who lot of them. She then asks them to talk about how they’re feeling and, like everything, Bali reminds Jourdan of her teen marriage. She’d be a great politician, because lord knows she loves a talking point. Tyra asks Cory what it’s like being the only “openly” gay male in the competition. You know she had Jeremy and Chris in mind when she said that. Or maybe it’s just me. Cory then goes on to thank Tyra on behalf of “his entire community.” I’m gonna assume he means “pretty, androgynous” people as opposed to the entire homosexual population, because as much as I like him, that child does not speak for me. Chris is yet again whining about feeling like an outcast, and I continue to vacillate between loving and hating Renee when she says, “If I had the world’s biggest piece of poop, I would shove it in his mouth.” (In case you’re wondering, that one swung me back to the “love” side of the equation.) Nina, who has been doing her best not to jump on the “I Hate Chris” bandwagon, finally starts to give in. When Jeremy and Chris get into it yet again — this time because of the least manly shoving match ever — Cory can’t hide his amusement. “I just sit back,” he declares, “I clutch my pearls, and I just pop the popcorn!”
Green With Envy: The posers are taken out to a rice field, where Tyra announces that the theme of today’s shoot will be green. Of course, “green” is a color, not a theme, but… bygones! She then trots out a 9-year-old fashion designer. Seriously. She declares him to be a prodigy, but I think he’s probably more like a kid who colors outside the lines and has the world’s best manager. No sooner do I send this thought out into the Twitterverse than I’m made to feel like an ass when she reveals that he is also… wait for it… blind! Yup, I’m going to hell, because my first thought it, “Well, no wonder he colors outside the lines… he doesn’t see them!” Everybody dons fashions made by the little match boy, balances a big ol’ basket on their head and strikes a pose. Chris, of course, whines about being uncomfortable and seems surprised that he can, you know, move as opposed to just standing there. “We’ve gone over this a dozen times, and every time, it’s like the first time,” complains Johnny of Chris, reminding me of something that almost slipped my mind. What was it? Oh, right, CHRIS DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS COMPETITION. Anyhoo, The photographer says Jourdan looks “inexperienced.” Really? Despite having 7 whole photo shoots under her belt? Back in the area where everyone’s getting ready, Marvin says that “Chris is killing it model wise, but he just wants to be isolated.” Why, oh why, won’t someone break out those sacred lines uttered on every reality show ever. “Chris isn’t here to make friends,” being the first, and “this isn’t America’s Next Top Bestie” immediately after.
Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang: The kids are taken on a tour of Bali that features monkeys and cleansing and elephants, oh my! While riding atop an elephant, Marvin and Renee — or “Marnee,” as they’ve been dubbed — are urged by the others to kiss. When they do, it’s kinda like a car wreck: awful and tragic and impossible to look away from. Chris complains because he has to ride the elephant all by his lonesome and whines endlessly. Cory, who is the most sage of these kids, says, “We are being spoiled rotten, and we don’t deserve all the good that is coming to us… it always just sort of feels as if Chris is miserable.” For her part, Jourdan declares, “I honestly feel that Bali has chosen me.” I sort of suspect that if Tyra had said, “Bali chooses who will live and who will die,” Jourdan — the most susceptible girl on the planet — would amend her statement to, [I honestly feel that Bali has chosen me… to die!”
Farewell, My Lovelies: Tyra announces there is no challenge, meaning everything rests on the just completed photo shoot. Oh, and by the way… it’ll be a double elimination. I kinda think Tyra’s over this batch of wanna-be posers and just wants to cash her paycheck and hit the beach. At panel, Rob and Kelly once again verbally spar, this time over Renee. The problem is that they have two very different ideas of what modeling should be, not to mention what the contestants should be doing and/or judged on. And if that’s the case, how can any of the models know what they’re expected to do? Oh, look at me, acting as if it matters in the least or any of them is going to have a career after this. Moving on! Kelly — determined to push Chris either out of the closet or into a breakdown — tells him, “You look like a crossdresser.” A fan says of Jeremy’s pic, “I could do that same pose myself” as if somehow, models do magic movements that the rest of us are simply incapable of doing. Jourdan wins best picture, while Chris, Jeremy and Nina are in the bottom three. Knowing two are going to be eliminated, I assume Nina will be the last woman standing in this scenario. Instead, she’s the first one eliminated. “If I stay in the competition,” whispers Chris, “I will win it for you!” He obviously does not know what we do: that this being a double-elimination, he’s about to… son of a biscuit eater! Seriously? Jeremy is booted and Chris remains? Afford me a moment of clarity here: Chris — who is heinous to everyone around him, impossible to work with and does not photograph well — is still in the running, but Nina — with her interesting look, easy-going persona and great pics — isn’t? I… I… oh, never mind.
Are you as frustrated with this cycle as I am? Heck, are you even watching this cycle? With Jourdan clearly the one to beat, who will wind up being her final competition? Hit the comments and share your thoughts!