This week on America’s Next Top Model, our picture-perfect boys and girls stripped down in public, melted down behind closed doors and, for the most part, let down the judges. Ready for the scoop? Then read on!

The Crying Game: Losing two models last week has rocked the group, who are emotional wrecks. Chris has decided it’s time to turn over a new leaf. Is this his fourth or fifth? In either case, he declares, “I wasn’t being myself. I was just being foolish,” and vows that from here on out, he’s gonna play it cool and “kill them with kindness.” In other words, cue him being a dick in 3… 2… Meanwhile, Marvin is weeping about the loss of Jeremy and Kanani. Poor thing apparently thinks they died. He whines about not having “anybody to play with,” and I can’t help thinking that someone needs to remind him this ain’t America’s Next Top BFF. Won’t someone please break out that perennial favorite line uttered on every reality show ever: “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win!” Otherwise, how will he know why he’s there? Could it be that he’s not there for the right reasons? Am I now drowning in reality show clichés? Moving on.

All Strip, No Tease: Phil continues to act out and Jiana continues to pretend she isn’t into him. Once again, it’s Kelly Cutrone’s chance to pimp a client, so she meets the models to discuss the challenge. It’s worth noting that she’s dressed in black (as usual) and carrying a tiny black umbrella that, given her… um… not-tiny nature, looks positively ridiculous. The challenge is a two-parter in which the posers must answer questions regarding fashion. Correct answers earn gift cards which they’ll then use to buy clothing from local shops. The person who puts together the best look wins a gift card worth two grand. Did I mention that for absolutely no reason (except, perhaps, to keep people from channel surfing), Cutrone makes the kids strip down to their skivvies, right there in the street, before the quiz begins? The models then take their winnings and go shopping with the MyEveryWish coupons, which look like they came from a board game your fifth grader made at school. During the judging portion of the challenge, Marvin calls Chris out for “always listening to the critiques [others receive] and trying to apply it to himself.” Call me crazy, but that sounds kinda smart. Phil opts to dress entirely in cheap women’s clothing. “Phil,” says Cory, “not only are you a Neanderthal, you are a cross-dressing Neanderthal.” The stylist tells Phil that if she saw him walking down the street, she would be “so uncomfortable.” Honestly, the lesson I come away from this particular challenge with is that these stores have crappy clothing, because aside from Jourdan and Chris, everybody looks pretty uniformly awful. The $2,000 gift card goes to Don, who basically flirted his way to the winner’s circle. Brace yourself, there’s more to this prize package: Don gets to pick a girl and guy to join him for… ice cream! Between the tacky gift cards and the not-so-grand prizes, even Cutrone looks mortified by how rinky-dink this whole challenge has become and beats a hasty retreat.

Splatter Zone: Back at the house, Marvin and Chris get into a verbal scuffle about who the ladies love more. As Cory puts it, “Let’s be honest about one thing: Neither of you are gettin’ any!” That night, the gang is taken to an art exhibit featuring Tyra photographed as some of the world’s top supermodels. Tyra arrives to brag that the exhibit they are viewing will be seen in galleries around the world. Tonight, however, they will be a part of the exhibit. They head to the makeup room, where Tyra begins working on Jourdan’s face as a clearly skeptical makeup artist watches over her shoulder. If the woman had a thought bubble, it would read, “Stop playing and let me do my job, lady!” Stepping on set for her shoot, Jourdan stands there looking gorgeous… as off-screen people throw buckets of paint on her. One by one the models are soaked by the colors of the rainbow, with Cory summing it up best by declaring he “looks like something out of the movie Carrie.” Backstage, Tyra’s doing Chris’ makeup. He points out that while Marvin tried cutting him down by saying Tyra was the only person who likes him, if you’re only going to have one person in your corner, she’s probably the one you want! Unfortunately, once Chris begins posing, he gets a bad case of cray cray eyes. Worse, he later ticks off the ladies by using their shower instead of the one in the guy’s bathroom. When Marvin has yet another breakdown, Phil finally says at least a bastardized version of the line I’ve been waiting to have uttered: “You are here to model, not to build relationships!” Close enough, I’ll take it.

Going into judges, Tyra reminds us that BryanBoy represents the fans. And I just kinda wanna know… does anyone out there feel comfortable with him repping them? Anyone? Bueller? The completely baseless, pointless scoring begins with Marvin being told he kinda bombed, yet still being given solid scores. Cutrone looks at Don’s shot and says, “I’m just not feeling it from a fashion perspective.” Of course, there’s no fashion whatsoever involved seeing as he’s wearing a diaper and paint. Jourdan is once again worshipped by the judges, getting 10’s across the board with Tyra even dubbing it one of the best pics in the show’s history. Cutrone says that Phil’s pic upsets her because it is “diaperpalooza.” Again, she seems to not recognize that they were forced to wear diapers! I don’t get Chris’ pic at all, but the judges seem to like it. It’s also time for this week’s “let’s mortify the straight model by having a gay fan say embarrassing things about him.” This time, it’s a guy talking about Chris’ “sex face” and then adding he would “wrestle around with you in that paint any day.” At the end of the day, best photo goes to – shocker! – Jourdan, with Renee getting runner up. Flirt buds Phil and Jiana are the bottom two models. In a wildly uncomfortable moment, when Jiana finds out she’s the one leaving, Phil goes to hug her… and she avoids it by squatting down. Awkward! But never fear, they’re okay, because after she gets the obligatory “you’re awesome, just now awesome enough” talk from Tyra, she goes over and hugs Phil.

So were you surprised by who got the axe? Can anyone prevent Jourdan from walking away the winner? And do you think that you’ll ever see any of these folks actually modeling once the show is over? Give us your thoughts in the comment section!

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