On this week’s episode of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, the contestants took part in what may be the most ludicrous runway show in the 20-cycle history of the show, and as a result, I had an epiphany. Want to know what it was? Well, read on, my friends!
Hooray For Baliwood: The remaining 8 models arrive in Bali, and poor Jourdan becomes “that” girl. You know the one. The girl who goes to a gay bar and acts like she’s visiting a zoo. The girl who tries sushi for the first time and has to make sure everybody in the place knows it’s her first time. Jourdan makes such a big deal about every little thing that the others can’t help mocking her. “Look! A man in a purple sweater!” cries one of them ecstatically. ‘Cause, you know, they’re all so worldly. At their new digs, they meet up with Rob, and oddly, his accent is about 1,000 times more pronounced in Bali for some reason. Jourdan, of course, squeals with delight at everything about the house. (“A pool! A couch! A floor!”) I’m majorly wishing one of the others would push this Ellie Mae Clampett wanna-be into the cement pond.
Waterworld: Renee admits that she likes Starvin’ Marvin, largely because, “He has a nice body and he’s hot.” Which is good, what with him wanting to be, you know, a model and all. And everybody’s hating on Chris by saying he shouldn’t still be in this competition. When it comes time for this week’s competition, we find out the guys and dolls will be modeling swim suits and working an underwater runway. Now, you may remember that whole “epiphany” I mentioned having had? This is when it hit me: I am officially hate-watching this increasingly ridiculous show. Real models will never, ever be asked to don giant helmets and walk an imaginary, underwater runway… at least not until the lost continent or Atlantis is rediscovered. Anyway, Nina — she of the partially collapsed lung — can’t take part in this competition for medical reasons, and Don suffers a panic attack (thus the name of this episode) that leaves him unable to do it, either. Both are allowed to do some weird snorkel poses instead. “I wouldn’t book her,” admits the designer of the swimwear everyone’s sporting, and I can’t help thinking, “Really? You wouldn’t book her… for a non-existent, underwater runway that would never actually exist?” Upset by this turn of events and fearful she’ll be eliminated, Nina gets weepy, at which point Chris tells us, “The crying thing is getting to be a little bit too much for me.” Really, dude? The only person in this house who has been decent to you is crying — something, by the way, you’ve done regularly over the past few weeks — and you can’t be bothered comforting her? You are a horrible human being. Anyway, I kinda laugh when Johnny says of Jeremy’s waterwalking “It’s almost like girl poses.” And Marvin proves just how classy he really is by taking great joy in Nina’s travails, even saying, “I want her to have broken ankles.” Hate to break this to you, kiddo, but Nina could have two broken ankles, a pimple the size of Texas and a beard and still model circles around you. Despite having lost one runway competition after another, Jourdan — who has just lost another to Renee — declares, “I know I have the best runway walk out of everyone here.” Huh.
Wild Kingdom: I literally cringe upon finding out the week’s photo shoot will pair the posers up with animals. I don’t want beautiful, wild animals anywhere near these irresponsible kids. On the plus side, Phil’s no longer in the competition. You just know he would have wound up maiming whatever critter he posed with. Cory does amazing posing with an orangutan, while Nina goes from excited to have her “Britney Spears moment” by posting with a python to upset when it goes poorly. She has yet another breakdown, during which she finds time to notice that former bestie Chris can’t be bothered to even pat her on the shoulder. Jeremy and Renee each pose with a baby leopard. He looks like something out of a porn movie, and she’s terrified the adorable thing is going to eat her. Is there nothing Renee isn’t afraid of? Yet again, Chris struggles with the shoot. Why? Because this boy ain’t a model… even when compared to these other kids who would struggle to find a good angle in an Isosceles R’ Us store. At the end of the day, Renee and Marvin have a tiff and she declares that he’s “a jackass.” Supercouple down! Supercouple down!
Judgment Day: As judging begins, I get the feeling that the entire panel is over this particular group. Even Tyra sort of feels like she’s slummin’ for a buck at this point. Maybe everyone has jetlag, because things get feistier than usual between the judges, especially Kelly and Rob. And honestly, their bickering is the most lively thing about this episode. When Jeremy’s photo is judged, Tyra says he looks like Liberace, while Kelly says it reminds her of a promo shot for Siegfried & Roy. The ladies decide to split the difference and dub it “Gay Vegas.” Although Kelly and Rob give Marvin’s pic — in which he simply stands there — low scores, Tyra praises him for, um, doing more than just standing there. In judging Jourdan’s pic, Kelly says, “You look like a 53-year-old ex-supermodel who lives in the Hamptons [and] has four ex-husbands.” Nina — despite all her struggles — winds up with best photo. The bottom two are Marvin and Chris… wait, no. My bad. Somehow, Chris is not only still in this competition, but manages to escape the bottom two, which is comprised of Don and Marvin. Oh, fine. Marvin’s clearly going to be packing his bags and… whaaaat? Don is eliminated? Okay, I officially cry foul: Clearly, the producers are keeping Marvin and Chris in this competition because of the drama their relationships with Renee and Nina, respectively, provide. At least they’re giving me even more reasons to hate-watch, right?
So do you agree with my assessment that none of these kids will ever be seen again, or are you seeing something I’m not? Did the judges make the right call in sending Don home? Sound off in the comments below!