Kevin and Lola are discussing their night together and her real name, but I can barely watch because Kevin is shaving with a straight razor. The only thing that would make this scene worse for me is if she were shaving him.

This is a stick-up! Sort of.

Seamus runs naked into the cop shop, flinging money everywhere. I have to say, that’s a pretty genius idea for a distraction. While the cops are down on the ground picking up the money, the rest of the Druid gang come in, guns drawn. Keating introduces himself to Captain Sullivan, and politely explains that he just wants his printing plates back. They find a couple cowering in the corner of one of the rooms. They were just there to report a theft, and instead of minding their own business, the guy rushes at the gang members, and gets shot in the head in front of his ladyfriend. Captain Sullivan takes the next turn in the Be the Hero Game, and gets shot in the stomach.

The men take all the guns and search the station. Meanwhile Seamus is still naked and won’t earn his clothes back until he shoots a copper. Apparently he’s a terrible shot because he shoots one in the foot, which was a huge mistake because the copper outs him as the one who snitched on Maguire.  O’Rourke lets Maguire out of his cell downstairs and puts Seamus in it. Upside down and still naked, in case anyone is keeping track.

Kevin finally makes it to work and meets O’Brien outside. Just as O’Brien is telling him about the Druids having control of the station, they push the dead hostage outside. They shoot out into the street for a while, until Maguire reminds them they are just wasting bullets. Keating gathers all the hostages – coppers and prisoners from the jail – together in one room and demands to know where his plates are. For like the third time this episode, I wonder why they don’t just tell him. Dude is obviously crazy.

Outside the station Kevin, O’Brien, and the other coppers who were smart enough to be late for work that day are attempting to set up a perimeter and shoot any Druids inside the jail they can see. Donovan is out of town on a business trip, so they are on their own. I’m sad because I want to see a scene between Donal Logue and Lee Tergesen sooner rather than later.

One of the coppers tells Kevin he found Annie last night, and tried to take her home to Ellen. Ellen refused to take her in, so Annie wanted to go to the station to wait for Kevin. Oh, Ellen. I think you’re past three strikes. You’re out.

Annie is hiding under a desk in the room next to where the hostages are. She’s under the desk crying and whimpering, and I feel like I’m watching a horror movie. Jesus, Annie, don’t you know how to hide? Are you going to go down to the basement by yourself next?

The clock is ticking

Kevin asks the Druids what they want, and Keating says some big words that Kevin doesn’t understand, then walks outside unarmed. Damn! That’s ballsy. Or crazy. He tells Kevin he wants his plates, Francis Maguire, and for all his men to be allowed to leave the city. O’Brien tells Kevin the plates were processed and should be in the evidence locker. Kevin promises to find them, and Keating agrees to allow a doctor in to see the wounded for 15 minutes.

They send Freeman in, and Keating inquires as to whether he’s a real doctor or an “African witch doctor with spells and such”. Tergesen is having way too much fun this episode. After being told he has exactly 15 minutes to finish his work and leave or he’ll be shot, Freeman starts with Captain Sullivan’s stomach wound. Annie, once again proving herself the worst hider ever, peeks over the desk to watch. Fortunately, the only one who sees her is Freeman. Captain Sullivan will die if he doesn’t have surgery, so Freeman asks Keating for one of the hostages to help him carry Sullivan out. Keating decides to put it to a vote – but whoever agrees that Sullivan should be allowed to leave will be killed. That hardly seems fair. Freeman tries to protest, is promptly told to shut up, and sweet Jesus, can’t we go one single episode without someone saying the n-word? Shockingly no one votes to let Sullivan leave.

Keating allows Freeman to get a man from outside to help, and Kevin takes the next turn in the Hero Game. He still hasn’t found Keating’s plates (not that he was actually looking for them), but they both think this is a good time for a philosophical discussion about the war. Maybe someone would like to tell Kevin about the 15 minute time limit? They manage to get Sullivan out with seconds to spare, but it looks like the copper with the foot wound is out of luck. Freeman tells Kevin Annie is hiding in his office and hasn’t been found by the Druids yet.

Some men just want to watch the world burn

Keating makes one of the hostages, Felix the Tenor, sing him a sad song. Then walks over and slits poor Felix’s throat!

The coppers outside toss in grenades hidden in packages of food and rush into the station during the ensuing chaos. And then we have an old fashioned, wild west shoot-out. Did I mention that Annie is the worst hider ever? Well, she is, so of course Keating finds her and uses her as a shield. He trades her for Kevin and punches Kevin in the kidney while he asks where his plates are. When will anyone on this show learn that it’s really hard to answer questions when you’re getting your ass kicked?

Maguire asks if he can be the one to kill Kevin, but when he raises his gun, he shoots Keating and O’Rourke! I’m using a lot of exclamation points in this recap! I’m sad that I’m going to be deprived of a Donovan – Keating showdown after all. Maguire tells Kevin he saved Kevin’s life because Kevin saved his during the fire, so now they’re “square”. Something tells me there is more to it than that.

I don’t have to wait long to be proven right. In the next scene we see that Donovan was the one responsible for having Maguire released from jail so he could be sent undercover into the Druid gang. The Union Army was making counterfeit Confederate money and flooding the South with it, destroying what little was left of their economy. The Confederates were trying to do the same to the North in retaliation, and Donovan wasn’t about to let that happen in New York City. Kevin’s not only salty about not being informed about the plan, he’s not ready to trust Maguire. Which is smart, because Maguire is already lying, claiming O’Rourke was the one who stabbed Byrnes. And probably also because Maguire slept with his wife, helped her cover up the not-so-accidental death of his daughter, and then kept her doped up in an insane asylum. Donovan reinstates Maguire as a detective, and informs Kevin that he and Maguire are going to work for him, together.

Next week on Copper

Sara’s mom comes home, Kevin and Maguire are trying to clean up the mess the Druids left in Five Points, and Ellen seems perturbed to find out that Eva is pregnant.

Cathy Elmore is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She also writes for Gridiron Girl when she isn’t chasing after her baby girl.

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