Mi Presidente vs. Su Presidente
We open on the Battle of Who Could Care Less, and Hal is all gunner action all the time. Lieutenant Blondie McShorthair from the real president’s murder squad gets pulled into battle by Tom so that she can see that Cochise is a good alien. (Yes, there are such things.) Cochise blasts the Espheni out of the sky, and then gets all profound with his smooth, sexy voice. This appears to turn Tom on. Tom is pleased, even though people died in the battle, including some dude named Cyrus who we never met but we are supposed to feel bad for.
Blondie, whose name I admit begrudgingly is Lieutenant Fisher, is impressed after seeing Cochise battle, and wants to inform the REAL president, Hathaway. She uses a short wave radio to call “Big Dog”, which is Hathaway’s cool code name. (Mine would be “Alderman of Zombie Town” in case you were wondering.) Hathaway wants a face to face, and Tom agrees. Apparently, Tom and the Gang will get to the meeting via plane because did we mention Pope has a plane? That he is learning to fly? By reading a book? Oh, Pope, you silly. You—reading a book. That’s hilarious. Anyway, Tom and Bressler commandeer it and Pope says he’s going with, cause he needs his precious 1935 Beechcraft to bail if things go to hell, which they inevitably will. Dan Weaver hates this plan, but agrees that Tom probably has no choice but to go meet Hathaway. Tom leaves Dan and Marina in charge. And ditches Anne. Again. Anne gives Tom a med-pack as a goodbye present, and promises to keep the home rubble burning. Cochise looks at Pope’s plane and tries to be cheerful but thinks it’s going to end up in the drink. Fair.
Hathaway’s people are pretty rough on our crew, especially Cochise. Fisher tries to calm them down, but no go. Cochise tries to introduce himself as chichauk il’ sichnich cha’tichol (which I think is Elvish for “How the hell did I get hooked up with these losers?”) but Tom waves it off and says to call him Cochise. That’s rude. Anyway, Cochise is restrained, which he claims to understand, and I want to buy him a self-help book so that he’ll stop being such a doormat. Men Who Hate Aliens and the Aliens Who Love Them, perhaps?
President Hathaway tells Tom that he is trying to rebuild an infrastructure for the country and he needs Tom’s help. Tom, seeing the potential to spill pompous speeches nation-wide, agrees. Tom still tries to sell him on Cochise, telling him that his trust is practical, since any vestiges of his academic self have been washed away over the last two years. Huh? Also, liar. Tom trusts the Volm because they need them. Hathaway agrees to meet with Cochise, who tells him the beautiful story of a flower on Volm called the Catarius, which he has never seen but he fights so that his great grandchildren might. God. Even the aliens have long-winded speeches on this show. Still, it bunges Tom up, who smiles at Cochise lovingly. Tom calls home and tells Weaver and Anne he’s going on the road with Hathaway (I think) and to not wait up for him.
Hal vs. Hal
Hal still wants to confess to his dad about being Karen’s bitch. Not-Karen says no way, because he fights like a badass for the 2nd Mass and that proves he’s not a traitor. Also? She still wants some action in the sack, and she’s not about to get it from the likes of Pope. Hey, Tector is unattached. I’m just sayin’.
After Tom leaves, Hal goes to his office and finds Weaver and looks like he’s going to confess. He decides not to, ultimately, and goes back to his room, pissed off, to have an interminably long conversation with…no lie…his evil self in the mirror. Dear Lord. Anyway, Hal busts the mirror, which we all saw coming, and surrenders to his evil persona, strutting out to find Not-Karen so he can knock her boots. He finds her, tells her he won’t confess to anyone and they go back to their GLASS WALLED apartment with a guard outside to do it. Loudly. Good thing that’s not awkward. After the semi-public sex, Hal tells Maggie he loves her, and grins, all evil-like.
The Have Spikes vs. The Have Nots
Lourdes talks to the kids with the amputated spikes about having them removed. Apparently, the Volm machine that saves harnessed kids can be used to remove their stubs as well. “Why would we want to give up our badass superpowers and implanted Human to Skitter dictionaries?” think Ben and the super cute girl he digs, Denny. Especially since Ben will need an inhaler again and Denny will need glasses and they’ll probably be reduced to playing Dungeons and Dragons in somebody’s basement, or becoming this generation’s Todd and Lisa Loopner. Because, Lourdes tells them, the human body wasn’t meant to have alien parts and is becoming damaged, plus they probably shorten life span. Ben accurately points out that life doesn’t last too long these days anyway, but he and Denny agree to the surgery to become “normal.” Eff that noise. I’d take a shorter life if it meant I could jump off buildings and throw cars around like the Hulk.
Denny and Ben talk it out, cutely, on top of a building. Ben says he likes being better than Hal and being needed. Denny says it will be good to be normal. Ben assures Denny that he will still like her even if she needs glasses and for God’s sake will you just kiss her already? Apparently, not yet.
Ben and Wee Matt bump into each other and discuss the situation. Wee Matt thinks that it’s no big if Ben keeps his spikes, and to confirm his thoughts tells Ben some boring historical analogy that stodgy Tom taught him a million times. Ben wonders if their dad used those analogies to get girls in college. Wee Matt thinks that’s how dad *didn’t* get girls, actually. Ha!
Denny and Ben are on the wall again and it goes on and on and on. Be freaks and die young? Be normal and boring? Who cares! Just decide already!
In the end, Denny decides against surgery, and breaks the glasses Ben so thoughtfully brought her. Then they go back on the wall, and both use the nerd glasses to look at the stars, proving that even the Hulk is sometimes Bruce Banner.
Anne and her Alien Spawn vs. Errbody
Anne takes a cheek swab from the Breaking Dawn baby, still convinced she’s an alien. No kidding, Anne. You’d think your CPU would be able to keep up with this development. Anyway, Lourdes is keeping close tabs on Anne on Tom’s behalf, swinging by, asking if she needs formula. I guess Anne’s model doesn’t include the lactation attachments. That’s too bad. Anyway, Anne tells Lexie she loves her, and Lexie replies in her creepy baby voice, “I love you too, Mommy.” Yeesh. “Who are you?” asks Anne. Creepy Lexie just grins.
Anne goes to visit Dr. Kadar in his dungeon, I mean, underground laboratory. She wants to give Kadar tissue samples of the newly de-spiked kids for analysis, which gets him hot and bothered. As she is leaving, Kadar gets all misty-eyed over her having a kid and waxes rhapsodic about children and their eyes of innocence, that are portals to wonder and truth. “Whatevs,” thinks Robo Doc as she backs away slowly.
Anne comes back and brings Hadar the samples (one of which is, of course, Lexie’s) and testing materials. Hadar is still being super-weird, talking about kids and how silent it is after they….never mind. He doesn’t want to talk anymore. Which is good, because if he was expecting compassion from Anne? I don’t think she is programmed for that. He tells her to come back for the results later. When Anne goes back, Hadar tells her that, of course, all of the samples are normal except one. One of them is infected with alien DNA which is crushing the human DNA within. Anne attempts to simulate crying, which means a lot of gasping and furrowed brows and bad acting. Hadar guesses that the DNA is Lexie’s and says they have to tell Tom. Which earns him a wrench to the head. DAMN IT! Robert Sean Leonard better not be fired.
Anne takes Lexie’s sample, goes back to drug the babysitting Lourdes with roofied wine, and takes to the streets to escape with creepy baby. As they are leaving they are stopped by a weirdo harnessed kid and a skitter and Anne tries to simulate fear. It doesn’t work, of course. Evil Hal suddenly appears, trapping her, and it looks like Anne and Lexie are about to switch sides, whether they like it or not.
The Battle of Who Could Care Less, Part Deux
As Tom and Hathaway are about to start their magical mystery tour, they are set upon by Eshveni ships. Tom, Pope and Bressler end up on Pope’s plane, and Cochise ends up on Air Force One, to Tom’s dismay. They take to the sky and actually have a pretty badass looking firefight, though why no one gets airsick I will never know. One of the engines is shot out on the Popeliner, and the plane goes down. “Looks like we’re walking from here,” yells Bressler, and the plane impacts, shattering glass and leaving us with a
TO BE CONTINUED
Dum dum DUM! Will our heroes survive? Will Hal buy a new mirror? Will Cochise insist on a better nickname? Guess we’ll have to wait to find out. See you next week!
Barbara Sirois Doyle is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She is a fan of Falling Skies and snarks because she loves.