WOAH! Things happened this week! Exciting things! Hang onto your hats, folks, as you read this one.



Tom wants to know if RoboDoc and Creepy Baby are still alive, because he’s going to go rescue them. Ben channels info from Braveheart McSkitter and tells him they are indeed, and they are being held captive. Evil Hal is pumped to go hunting with Tom, but Weaver thinks Tom’s crazy. “In case you haven’t noticed, crazy is where I live right now. I’ve a half-alien daughter,” says Tom. Fair. No one can talk Tom out of it. He’s gonna make Not-Maggie pay!

Until, of course, they talk him out of it. He’ll wait 24 hours. Evil Hal is pissed, and acting like a crazy person. Even Not-Karen can’t understand it.

Acting President Marina takes Tom aside. She wants to talk about the Volm device. Tom is pissed that Marina broke into his desk to steal the photos. I think he’s worried she stumbled across his vintage collection of Android Porn. Marina reminds us: it’s NOT IMPORTANT how she got the photos. I can’t decide if that’s a red herring or if the show is actually that obvious. It’s a fine line between conspiracy and idiocy. Anyway, Marina wants to stop the project. “Absolutely not!” screams Tom. They bicker and argue until Hal pulls up in a Humvee and, get this, PUNCHES MARINA IN THE FACE! AND PULLS A GUN ON TOM!!!! I swear to you, I did not see that one coming.

Hal takes Tom hostage, forcing him to drive the Humvee, ruining Tom’s chances of a decent road nap. Real Hal tries to fight it, but Evil Hal won’t let him—he intends to take Tom to see Karen, but before they can get anywhere at all, Marina tells Not-Karen to stop them. And she does. BY SHOOTING THE CRAP OUT OF THE HUMVEE WITH A 50 CALIBER MACHINE GUN AND MAKING IT FLIP! AWESOME!!!!!! Maggie stopped them all right! Badass!


Evil Hal turns Tomb Raider Maggie back into mush by taking Tom into yet another abandoned building and holding him at gunpoint. No one understands what is happening except Maggie, who realizes Hal was right all along—Karen spiked his brain with an eye-bug. At least Evil Hal is great in the sack. Just sayin’.

Tom tries to jump Evil Hal and take his gun, and Evil Hal SNAPS HIS LEG LIKE A TWIG! So exciting, this episode! He tells Tom he will give him Robo and Creepy for the info about the Volm project. Of course, Proud American Tom refuses.

Weaver and…everyone else in the cast, apparently…sets up an armed perimeter around the building. Maggie confesses Hal’s been off for a while, but she didn’t mind because of the awesome boot-knocking she has been experiencing (okay, I added that last part. But you know she was totally thinking it.) Marina says, all loud and accusey,  “You mean HAL is the mole we’ve been looking for?!” Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. People are stunned she kept this secret. Stunned isn’t the right word for Pope, though, who is righteously pissed. He wants to know why anyone named Mason always gets a pass. He and Ben duke it out a bit, but let’s be fair: Pope is right. As usual.

Weaver asks Tector (mmmmmm…Tector…..) to cover him (Tec can cover me anytime. Again, just sayin’.) and tries to negotiate. Marina wants him to be careful. Insert meaningful glances here. Anyway, it fails miserably and there is a crap ton of gunfire, including Evil Hal shooting at Weaver’s feet and making him prove he can Riverdance. I admit it, I laughed. Tom keeps trying to appeal to the Hal inside (not a metaphor) but the iBug ain’t having it.

Evil Hal wants a Humvee, but Maggie “shot the hell out of the one he was in” so Weaver needs to find another. Meanwhile, Ben, Wee Matt and Maggie all want to talk to Hal, reasoning, “He won’t shoot ME.” Yeah, okay. Go with that. Pope becomes, yet again, my favorite character of the episode (besides Tector, ‘cause Rrrraaaooowwwrrr) when he asks, “Can anyone explain something to me? Why is it that if anyone else had have acted like an alien and shoot people (sic) you’d have blown their brains out and used what’s left of their skull for an ashtray?” FAIR!!!! All Pope gets for his observation is dismissed. He is not upset about this. He and the Bezerkers head for the bar. Marina asks Tec if he can shoot Hal if he needs to. Tec says he can’t miss, even  from 300 yards. RRRAAOOOWWWRRR! Tec is all manner of hot. Weaver doesn’t want it, but Marina is prepared to relieve him from duty if she needs to so Tec can do what needs to be done.


Also? All this time, Wee Matt’s unfortunate N’SYNC hair has been fashioned into a faux-hawk. A borderline Jheri-Curled fauxhawk. Yikes.


Wee Matt, though, is useful for something as he can sneak Maggie and Ben into the building. Truancy pays off, people! As Wee Matt so eloquently points out.


Pope is doing what Pope does best: running a betting ring in Popeville. Odds on who lives. Of course, he shows his tarnished heart of gold when he threatens his cronies not to influence the odds at all by offing a Mason themselves.

Tom is still trying to talk Evil Hal down. Evil Hal, however, isn’t as stupid as regular Hal. He kicks Tom’s broken leg cruelly (bad ass-elly? Is that a word?) and in return, Tom tells…guess what? A long and touching story. This time though? It kind of works. He uses the memory of Hal’s mother to try to coax him out. Evil Hal gets all shaky and teary in response, but in the end, he stays in control. He screams in Tom’s face, practically blowing his hair back like a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Then, he cries, and Drew Roy really sells it. I felt bad, anyway. First he has to have those confusing love interests and now this? Bummer.

So then everyone bursts in on Hal, pleading with him to stop. Because you know what you want to do to a gunman on the edge? Give him tons of distractions and keep pressuring him. (Still, Drew Roy is still great here, selling Hal’s struggle admirably.) Evil Hal threatens to kill himself, horrifying everyone. Luckily, Ben grabs him from behind, they all struggle with him and the gun goes off. Okay, that part’s not lucky.

Back in PopeVille the odds have changed. Now the betting’s on what the punishment will be for Hal’s crimes. Everyone cheers and laughs, until, inevitably, Weaver walks in, jonesin’ for hooch. Pope has the decency to look embarrassed, and, after a decent threat, promises the disgusted Weaver that no one will hurt the Masons in an attempt to win a bet. Pope sends Lyle to the infirmary to monitor things. I’d listen to Lyle. He’s huge.


It turns out that Evil Hal was just grazed by the bullet. Whew! Now Tom wants to literally de-bug him. Unfortunately, even though she’s the only decent medical professional in town (even when Anne is there, sadly) Lourdes can’t find the bug to remove it. There is much discussion about whether Hal is still even infected. They decide to ask Braveheart McSkitter what they should do. It turns out, the skitters have a bug killer they can inject Hal with. The only catch? If Hal isn’t infected the “cure” will kill Hal instead. Tom is torn (and Marina comes and talks about her grandma at the weird metal tree and whatever) but ultimately decides to go for it.

Evil Hal is strapped to a table like Hannibal Lechter. He tries to convince the visiting Maggie to help him escape because the cure will kill him. She’s done trusting him now, though, and finally decides the sex wasn’t worth it so she says no. Evil Hal is pissed. Then Evil Hal tries to convince Tom the way any kid tries to manipulate their parent—he cries and throws a temper tantrum. Too bad, Evil Hal. You’re staying on the time out table.

The procedure begins. It involves a drill and the weird alien rock and a cryo gun of some sort and at first seems super boring. But then—BUT THEN!—it gets TOTALLY AWESOME!!! as the alien tech invades Hal’s body through his eyes (seriously, wear safety goggles on this show, man) and turns his skin and veins black and makes him scream and seize. (Drew Roy rocks this. It freaked me out.) Then Hal’s heart stops, and Maggie and Tom are super upset, natch.

But it is all for naught. Hal wakes up and everyone is overjoyed. Hal doesn’t remember the past week, which is too bad, because, as I said, the terrarium sex was apparently a-MA-zing! Then the most unrealistic thing ever happens on this show: Hal calls Maggie on it and a man says he was right and a woman says she was wrong. Ha! (I jest, my sisters. Kind of.) Hal says he’s THE MOLE. Which means, of course, he is not. But it’s not Marina. No way. Or IS IT?!?!?!?

Cut to Tom cleaning out his office. He’s quitting, and he and the boys are going to find the “girls”. He thinks he’ll have an edge because he is “fighting for people he loves, with people he loves”. You know what edge I want in battle? Not so much love as crossbows and grenades and flamethrowers. Anyway, he gives her the whole file on the Volm, which she can use as the mole. Which she is. Right? I was hoping it was Anthony, in a desperate attempt to get Pope’s attention ala John Hinckley to Jodie Foster.

Tom and the Mason Gang are heading out. Weaver says Tom is fully stocked and is there anything else he needs? “You,” Tom says quietly, and I was really hoping there would be a full-on, Brokeback Mountain style kiss to follow, but alas. No such luck. Hal macks on Karen and says he loves her and  whatever. Wee Matt…wait a minute. WEE MATT IS GOING?!?!? Whose dumbass idea is that? Sigh…. Tector (mmmmm…Tector…..) tells Hal no one blames him for what happens (LIES!) and wishes him well. Pope says, loudly, “Hey, Lyle—remind me to pull the old ‘eye-bug defense’ the next time someone threatens to lock me up.” Oh, Pope. You so mean. Also? Snicker. (Side note: isn’t iBug a new Apple product? I bet it is in development. If not, it should be No need to thank me from beyond, Steve Jobs.) Anyway, Ben tells Not Evil Hal to not let the teasing get to him, because it gets better. Or something. The Masons ride out on their horses, not in anyway conjuring up images of the American Revolution. “We’re gonna find them,” Hal says. “Yep,” says Tom, and we know it is a new day because he has no speech to give.


As we close, Marina gets sworn in as President by a guy in a lawyer suit (who does the dry-cleaning in the New United States?). This is bad. Isn’t it? ‘Cause she’s the mole, right? Or is that too obvious? WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THIS, SHOW!!!!


Well, that was my favorite episode of the season so far! Join me next week when Tom, yet again, tells someone that if they are going to kill him, to just get on with it already. All I know? I’m hoping for the promised return of Dai, and that he and Tector will have a long conversation in a shower room or something. See you then!


Barbara Sirois Doyle is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She is a fan of Falling Skies and snarks because she loves.

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