This is IT! The FINALE, my friends! Time to see if we can mashup with the Volm and kick a little Espheni ass up in here.

 

Weaver, Lyle, Anthony and Pope are driving a train to Chicago. This is not a euphemism, much to Anthony’s dismay. They are heading to Chi-Town to be a decoy while the real action happens in Boston. Pope talks about the merits of deep dish pizza over thin crust, and I have to say, this is just another issue Pope is on the wrong side of. They brought Lourdes with them as bait, and I’ll tell you—adorable Lourdes? Not so much any more. Eye worms are not a good thing for your beauty ritual, apparently.

 

Doctor Kadar is geeking out over the Volm weapon, to Cochise’s bemusement. At least I think Cochise is bemused. It’s hard to tell since his face looks like a Grumpy Cat that’s been microwaved. You know—in a cute way. Anyway, everything looks almost good to go, says Kadar. When Tom questions the “almost” part of the equation, Kadar says that there is a 94% probability it will function as expected. Kadar is a pessimist. I enjoy that about him. Cochise assures Tom that the Volm ship will meet them in Boston, and then he and Tom totally bromance out.

Hal is cheerful. He talks to NotKaren about how the war will end and they can settle down in a house with a big backyard. She looks unimpressed, and says she is a fighter, not a lover. Also? Her hair is super shiny. I wonder where one gets deep conditioner in the alien apocalypse.

Lourdes has gone full on Exorcist, growling and rolling her eyes and all. It would be sexy, except she really looks like she needs a shower. Lyle and Anthony look forward to following Weaver’s order to shoot anything that moves that happens to be an alien. They are set upon by Fishheads and Skitters and Lourdes gasps like she swallowed her tongue. Weaver says it’s been an honor and a privilege, and the boys should give ‘em hell. Pope looks particularly badass as he leans out of the train to blast them with a Volm weapon, shouting, “SMILE, you SON OF A BITCH!” And all of a sudden I can forgive him for the pizza thing.

The rest of our crew ride a huge shipping boat into Boston harbor, loaded not with tea but with the huge Volm weapon. Wee Matt dons his shades and looks up at the grid, which was totally stolen from Tron. Jeeeeeeaaaaaannnnne Weaver is there too, (yay!) and says the place looks like a ghost town. That must mean NotMaggie and the aliens totally got fished in in Chicago. Tom assures Jeanne that Weaver is made out of cast iron and that he will be fine.

Kadar and Cochise fire on the tower, and it is TOTALLY WICKED! The Volm weapon sucks the grid right out of the sky and converts the energy to a missile-like blast that smashes into one of the tower legs. But then, we suffer from blastus-interruptus, because the tower doesn’t collapse. Bummer. Tom wants them to fire again, but they need ten minutes to recharge. And then? The Espheni come and everyone fires on them and it is fairly awesome to watch. Wee Matt (Did I mention his hair is growing out and looks less unfortunate? It does.) points to the tower and everyone watches it finally collapse. The grid goes down. Then there is much rejoicing, even though America just pretty much lost one of the coolest cities it ever had. The Volm ship comes in a fireball of a blast, and lands on Boston, and the “pretty much lost” becomes “totally frickin’ lost.” The good news? It may not look like Boston anymore, but it does look like a “Boston” album cover. (We miss you, Brad Delp.)

Suddenly? We are on Endor without the Ewoks. There is night, and fire and weird drumming and I hope the ghosts of Dai, Jamal and Pointy McOverlord are coming soon to beam contentedly at the crowd. Alas, they do not. There is only a weird celebration that Tom doesn’t participate in because he is too wrapped up in his loss of RoboDoc and AlienBaby. Ben tries to talk to him in the strategy tent, telling him that the rebel skitters have, well, scattered since they do not trust the Volm. Tom thinks he can reunite them, and it will feel so good. Ben and Tom bond, and I remember that Ben is easily my favorite Mason.

Cheers erupt outside, and Tom and Ben go to see what’s doing. It’s the Chicago rebels! They made it back home! Weaver and Jeanne hug and smile, and it is pretty touching. Apparently, they were trapped, but Cochise and his soldiers bailed them out. Awww. That was nice. Cochise looks….happy? I guess? He lets Tom know that he will meet his commander in the morning. Weaver tells Tom Lourdes is a mess, and that Karen’s probably still tracking her. Tom hopes so, ‘cause he wants to cap that ass. Do you see what I did there?

Also? Apparently? The Espheni are on the run, which makes everyone happy. Tom demands to speak (ugh) opening with “I make too many speeches. Give too many lectures. I want to make a toast.” WORD, TOM! Then he proceeds to make a speechy toast. At least it is reasonably short. Pope salutes the fishheads. Crickets. Until he adds, “May they freeze their asses off in the North Pole.” CHEERS! Weaver is next, accepting a bottle from Pope. “To victory. May it be swift. May it be complete. And may it be forever.” Weaver is CLEARLY the Braveheart of this group.

Cochise brings Tom to see the commander, Washchak-cha’ab, and I finally realize who the Volm sound like when they speak English: Worf, from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” When they speak Volm they sound different: like an old man gagging on soup. Anyway, there is much politeness and complimenting all around. Weaver even tries to do the Volm salute-thing and bombs it adorably. Tom talks to him, hoping there is partnership, and thanking them for their support. Washchak-cha’ab thanks Tom for the victory and for the life of his son. He’s Cochise’s dad! I saw the resemblance. (Hahaha!) The only sticky wicket in this whole love-fest? The Volm don’t want to fight with the 2nd Mass. They want to send them to Brazil to chill out while they finish the war. This pisses Tom and Weaver off to no end. Tom tries to protest but Cochise’s daddy ain’t having it. He turns to leave and Tom reaches out to grab him. He clocks Tom and puts him in custody to Weaver’s dismay.

The next morning, Lyle is cutting his toenails in public, next to Pope’s coffee pot (again, none of this is a euphemism. Also? GROSS!) There is a very cute moment where Lyle details his strategy: (Find fishheads. Kill ‘em. End of story.) and Pope tells him that if Napoleon had had him at his side in Russia, things would have gone a lot better for him. “Thanks,” says Lyle, sweetly. Weaver appears and tells everyone about the relocation plan, and how they need to leave before they are rounded up like cattle. Pope gives a righteous “I told you so!” and Weaver blows him off.  Weaver steps into the strategy tent and proceeds to have what looks like a mild heart attack. Oh, noes! Jeanne comes in and helps him with his nitroglycerine, promising to not tell anyone, not even Tom, that Weaver is sick and weak. Awww. Not good. Jeanne wants to go to Brazil, but Weaver says he will not go to that “concentration camp” and I think this is a remarkably unfair comparison. The Volm want them to live in “comfort, safety and peace.” Not so much starvation, torture and painful death, then. Jeanne is reluctantly talked into it.

When they emerge from the tent, Cochise and his men are there to round them up. Cochise tries to talk everyone down, looking awk-ward. I think. Weaver realizes they are literally outgunned. Cochise looks sad as he begs Weaver to cooperate. Or neutral. Or something. Seriously, they always look like they are frowning. Anyway? Pope rams that “I told you so” home by snarking at poor Weaver about how the Volm have brought them to their knees.

 

Washchak-cha’ab meets with the incarcerated Tom. They talk and talk and talk about the American spirit and how humans would rather die than not fight and how the Volm just don’t get it and blah, blah, blah. AMERICA! Washchak-cha’ab frowns. I think. He seems like he can be persuaded to let them fight, even if it is just to get Tom to shut up. He tells Tom that humans make him question protocol and orders and he finds this disturbing and disorienting. Apparently, Cochise has told Tom: he has that effect on people. Washchak-cha’ab says he will consider the matter.

Hal goes to visit Lourdes, who is looking more like Regan from The Exorcist every minute. He tries to talk to her calmly, but she screams like a banshee and scares the crap out of me. She begs Hal to take her iBugs out, and then Hal gets her to reminisce about olde times. Weird. Hal gets close to Lourdes and I keep yelling at the TV, “DON’T GET RE-INFECTED YOU MORON!” All for naught, though, as he leaves unscathed. Maggie offers to put Lourdes to sleep. That’s generous of her.

Cochise comes to get everyone and tells them Tom will be joining them soon. He leads them out of their tent city to a…wait for it…big table full of weapons! They are being re-armed and told, basically, “Have fun storming the castle!” Cochise spots Tom a Volm weapon and wishes him well. They have a moment, but they don’t kiss, which is a bummer. After they take their guns and go, Cochise and his dad shake their heads like Miracle Max and his wife in The Princess Bride and you can just tell they are thinking, “Think it’ll work?” “It’ll take a miracle.” “Bye bye!”

(sing to the Willie Nelson tune) “On the road again! We might get killed out on the road again! And I still can’t tell little Maggie from Karen. I can’t wait to get on the road again!” My husband wanders into the room and asks if it is always blue on this show, and looking at the millionth twilight shot I have to concede that it is. Maggie is happy that she can stay a soldier and Hal is not amused. Pope agrees with Maggie, saying the quiet desperation of the suburbs makes global apocalypse look good. I have to agree with him there. Kadar muses about the ticks as they walk, telling them about lime disease like a Debbie Downer, which amuses me. My husband thinks Kadar sounds like Karl Urban as Bones in the Star Trek reboot, which both amuses me and turns me on.

“WAIT!” Ben shouts, and Lourdes gags and collapses, convulsing. A ship comes in, loaded with skitters and mechs and Karen. Tom is pleased that Karen took the bait. She comes out wielding her white flag of old, which looks like it’s been laundered, at least. She tries to talk to them and make nice, dissing the Volm and talking about how they will eventually work together. She offers Tom a gift, which we all know is RoboDoc and AlienBaby. He calmly offers her a gift too. AND THEN HE SHOOTS HER RIGHT IN THE CHEST! YEAH, BABY! Then it all goes down and our rebels kill everyone in sight. Karen is dying, saying she is sorry and that all she ever wanted was Hal, and he goes to hold her hand and comfort her. And then? AND THEN? Maggie shoots Karen dead, with the coldest bitch eyes you ever saw. GO MAGGIE!

Tom hears Robo in the woods and chases after her voice. Apparently she is fine, and of course Lexie is fine too. One catch? Lexie happens to be about six years old now. See? I told you! BREAKING DAWN BABY! You heard it here first. Also? She is still super creepy.

The next morning, our happy band of rebels are regrouping. Hal tries to talk to Maggie but she’s pissed at him for making doe eyes at her doppleganger the night before. He tries to help her with some work and she insists she can do it on her own. Hint hint. You better put a ring on it or something, Hal. You’re in the skitterhouse for sure. Pope tries to restart a classic car, ‘cause he still wants style points. Kadar and Tom discuss Miracle-Gro—I mean Lexie—and basically Kadar says he knew her accelerated growth was a possibility but he has no idea what will happen now.

 

Anthony asks where they are all going now, and Tom and Weaver tell him the long plan that they had to make once they found out the show was renewed. First they’re heading to Charleston, then to find Hathaway’s people. Then to form a resistance movement. “A HUMAN resistance movement,” growls Weaver. Racists. Weaver and Tom walk away, and Weaver muses that it feels like old times. Tom can’t resist quoting a poet, like a douche. “Miles to go, Dan. Miles to go,” he says, somberly.

Alexis approaches the caged Lourdes with her creepy smile. She reaches out, and Lourdes gags, and the iBugs come pouring out of her eyes. Ugh. “Alexis?” calls Tom, in dread. And Breaking Dawn looks at her daddy calmly, smiling like a Shining twin, and crushes the iBugs in her hand, pouring the sand of their remains onto the ground. Tom looks back at her like he can’t decide if he should thank her or kill her with fire, and we cut to black, putting the wrap on season three.

All in all? I found the finale very satisfying. How about you? Let us know your thoughts on season three and what you hope for in season four. Besides Tec and Dai oiled up for a wrestling match, that is. See you next summer!

Barbara Sirois Doyle is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She is a fan of Falling Skies and snarks because she loves.

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