Welcome back, kids! Only two episodes to go. And what the heck is Xibalba anyway? Off to Google for all of us. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, it is “roughly translated as ‘place of fear’, and is the name of the underworld in K’iche’ Maya mythology, ruled by the Maya death gods and their helpers.” Well, duh! Silly us for not being up on our Mayan mythology.
Anyway, we open on Weaver and Marina discussing the Volm attack plan.”Project Orange” will take place the following morning at dawn. The target? No one knows…or maybe just Marina doesn’t. Basically, Weaver tells Marina, the Volm may or may not be trustworthy and their weapon may or may not work. But if they don’t want humanity to cease to exist in less than three months they have to go with it. There are still some smoldering looks between those two. I think Weaver wants her to be his Chief of Staff, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Tom returns, weirdly, by sailboat, and Lyle and Pope greet him. Pope still wants his GD plane back—Tom shuts him up by offering the boat instead. Tom is curt to the point of rudeness, because Tom Mason is effing pissed. People greet Tom warmly. He doesn’t care—at least until he can hold Weaver in his arms. Anthony surmises that Tom has a good story to tell. “I’ve got a story. It isn’t good,” Tom replies. Aw. Poor RoboDoc and Creepy Baby.
The Mason boys are happy to see their dad. All except Wee Matt and his Hair of Unfortunateness, who senses that life is about to suck even more than it usually does. Tom tells the boys what happened to him. That he doesn’t know what became of the Picketts. That Not-Maggie is running the war from a tower. Then Tom has to tell the boys the sad news that their Android Stepmom and Mostly Alien Sister are not okay. Wee Matt is very sad, natch. Tom insists that Wee Matt and his brothers use their pain to kill Karen. Hal wants that honor personally. Ben challenges Tom, reminding him that he said if all they had left was hate the aliens win. Tom, for once, totally doesn’t give a crap about his speeches. He’s a hater now, and he’s not gonna waste it.
Tom meets with Weaver. He wants to go to Boston for the double whammy of taking out the grid and his son’s first annoying blonde girlfriend. Weaver isn’t sure, but the other general guy likes the whole plan. They talk strategies (and of course, Tom brings up a history analogy.) Tom eventually, though, gets shut down by the army dudes. They aren’t sure if he is iBugged, for one, and for another, vengeance isn’t enough of a tactical strategy to win the day if Karen controls the whole eastern seaboard. As he stalks off, Weaver and the General talk. They aren’t sure what to make of Tom’s plan. Is he trapping them, or giving them the key to victory?
Tom and Cochise reunite. Cochise is kind of adorable. I mean, he’s no Pointy McOverlord from Season Two, but he certainly has a look that works for him. They talk about fate, etc., and Cochise sympathizes with him about Anne and Lexie. Tom is remarkably distant, and that’s plain weird. Cochise tells Tom stories of his long lost brother and Tom and he discuss whether love is an advantage or an impediment, and suddenly I feel like I am watching a Lifetime Original Movie that just happens to feature an alien. Show? I have a request. More dangerous grid, less emotive squid, please.
Tom approaches Pope. He needs to talk—alone. Pope is betting that Karen bugged Tom, and, if Tom bugs out, he promises to kill him. Tom is fine with that. And then maybe they would have talked more except, you know, massive explosion. Again. I hate when that happens.
Of course, what was blown up is the Volm complex. Cochise is badly hurt. Traitor Lourdes is summoned to help him. She’s all like, “I’m totally busy, dude!” but Tom won’t take no for an answer. Cochise doesn’t want to be saved. Tom holds his hand, and there is yet more discussion of love versus loss and how the human spirit is a gift. DEAR LORD! This is a mushy episode. Cochise tells Tom that if he is undisturbed his body will regenerate. I KNEW IT! Cochise is a Timelord! Cochise then says, no lie, “One day I hope we can restore each other’s hearts, professor.” All this needs is a soundtrack featuring Yanni, master of the Pan Flute. Anyway, evil Lourdes? She is totally going to disturb Cochise. And by “disturb” I mean blow him up.
Hal and Not-Karen talk. She is sorry about Anne and Lexie. She wants to make Karen pay. Then Lourdes’….tentacle bomb? Is that a good name for it? Detonates? Kind of? Anyway, there is massive damage and people are buried under the rubble. Tom goes to help the injured Marina to the infirmary. Let’s hope Lourdes doesn’t “disturb” her too. Meanwhile, on the surface, Ben uses his alien spidey sense to tell people he hears stuff under the 40 feet of rocks. According to Weaver they will “Dig some. Listen some. (And) Never give up.” Weaver’s pretty good at succinct motivational speeches, huh? I approve.
Hal comes to under the rubble. He’s looking for Maggie. He finds her buried and unresponsive. “Maggie, not you too,” he begs, and since the show needs some reliable hot love action between attractive people, Maggie recovers. Whew!
Wee Matt takes Ben to the storm drains to listen for survivors. Pope and the Bezerkers dig, noting that they don’t want to be maggot meat in three months so they will help in any way they can. Pope reassures Weaver that Jeeeeeaaaannnnne is alive. Weaver looks oddly distant too, and I have no friggin’ idea who to trust anymore.
Underground, Tom and Marina find the unconscious Lourdes and carry her to safety. Marina’s vision is still blurry. Jeanne is alive. Yay! I like Jeanne. There are some more survivors and the infirmary is usable, but it is blocked by rubble. Ugh. Tom and Anthony take off to explore possible exits, while Lourdes is wheeled into recovery next to, of course, Cochise. She immediately wakes up and stares at him more longingly than Anthony stares at Pope, even.
Anthony and Tom see that every way out is blocked. Tom doesn’t want to wait to be rescued by the people on the surface. He is determined to get to Karen and kill her. The only thing that could potentially distract him? The sound of crawlies. Oh, crap. This reminds me of the death of Lourde’s boyfriend Jamal and suddenly I am itchy and grossed out. Anyway, Anthony pulls out a grenade (and I think of the sorely missed Jayne Cobb from Firefly, who would totally approve of this plan) and he and Tom are about to blow up the hatch where they think the crawlies are, but guess who crawls out instead? Dr. Kadar! Guess his agoraphobia will come in handy now since, you know, buried alive and all. Anthony replaces the pin on the grenade and kisses it gently. Anthony really needs an outlet for his subservient, misplaced love.
Hal tries to dig his lady love out. They are running out of air. Maggie wants to wait for rescue to conserve oxygen but Hal disagrees. Then? THEN? They argue about their relationship. Really show? Now? Sigh.
Dr. Kadar, Anthony and Tom work on a plan to bust out. Conveniently, Anthony has half a dozen packs of C4 to offer as an option. He and Kadar are going to attempt to MacGuyver a bomb. Kadar wants a long list of stuff, including wire and batteries and…peanut butter. Why peanut butter? ‘Cause he’s hungry, yo.
Tom talks to Lourdes, who fakes sadness at the loss of lives and the mission and also says she is sorry about Anne and Lexie. Yeah, right, iBug. She is saddest about the fact that Anne died alone, right back where they started and…wait a second, thinks I. How the hell does she know that? Tom seems to have caught it, but he doesn’t let on. Maybe he’s just clueless. Lourdes eyes Cochise, and pulls out a scalpel. Will Tom save the day?!
Underground Maggie is really losing her crap. She chuckles like the Joker and muses that death isn’t so bad. She talks about how it’s living that hurts. Hal won’t let go, though. Maggie keeps laughing, and acting weird. Hal worries that he was the one who planted the bomb, before, when he was bugged. “I betrayed everyone I cared about…you’re going to die because of me.” This shuts Maggie up. Then Hal thinks about cheating death. And he starts laughing. Oh, and then they talk about their love and whatever.
Kadar continues to work on the bomb. The bummer? There is a crack in the beam above him. Which means his bomb might explode revealing the stairwell, or it could bury them all in rubble. “Great. We’re right back where we started,” says Anthony. Which trips Tom to finally clue in to what Lourdes said. Just as Lourdes is about to stab Cochise, Tom appears. He tells her Anthony is hurt, and he needs her help. LIES! All of it, LIES! Tom leads Lourdes to what appears to be a facedown, injured Anthony. She tried to turn him over and Anthony pulls a gun on her. In your FACE, iBUG!!! Tom, Anthony and Jeanne (cool!) hold guns on her, and Tom demands to see her medpack, which he thinks has a tracking device in it. They go back and forth, arguing until Lourdes opens the med pack, revealing an Espheni gun! She and Tom wrestle for it, and Tom takes her down. Now this is what I’m talking about!
Wee Matt and Ben head for the storm drains and it looks like they are going to (for the love of Lord Jesus) have a heart to heart. And so they do. Wee Matt points out that Ben will outlive them when they die in three months. Too bad. So sad. But not for Ben and Denny who might finally get to go on a date.
Maggie and Hal muse about the afterlife. Maggie knows she’s going to hell. Hal says that wherever she goes, he will find her. And it is surprisingly touching. Maggie keeps trying to clang on a pipe with a wrench to call for help. And Ben hears them! Yay! He tells Hal and Maggie to open the pipe to get air, and they struggle to do so. Maggie saves the day like a badass, opening the pipe and helping Hal to breathe. He should buy her some post-apocalyptic flowers or something.
Lourdes is strapped down, and everyone talks about how stunned they are that she is the mole. As Tom walks away from her, Lourdes wakes up and let’s Tom know: it’s too late. It’s not Karen’s fault, it’s Tom’s that everyone has died. She is totally brutal with her words. But Tom doesn’t care. He’s distracted by the thought of a plan. He’s gonna use her Espheni gun to blast them to sweet, sweet freedom. Nice thinking, Cambridge!
Jeanne and Weaver are reunited. It’s sweet, actually. Kadar says that low probability events do happen. For example, their survival. Anthony tells the Mason boys that Lourdes was the mole. Hal and Maggie discuss it for awhile and then talk about their relationship some more. Ugh. They decide to get payback as a team and make Karen suffer for her sins. Then they mack on each other.
Tom sees Cochise, who is in massively in need of some Prozac. They talk again of death and sadness and whatever. The big news though? The Volm weapon, although buried under rubble, is still operational! Sure, all the alien engineers are dead, but Kadar is alien enough that he can run it, right? Cochise thinks it’s a long shot, but Tom doesn’t care. He wants to bury the dead and then “start digging like there’s no tomorrow.” Which on this show? There may not be.
Unfortunately, my preview for next week’s episode was cut off and I didn’t get to see it, but I bet it will be a doozy. And I’m sure it’s “when everything changes.” Again. Season Three Finale, people! See you then.
Barbara Sirois Doyle is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She is a fan of Falling Skies and snarks because she loves.