Evolve or Die
I’m ba-ack! After a two week semi-sorta vacation the 2nd Mass and I are reunited, and, contrary to what Peaches & Herb promised me, it doesn’t actually feel all that good. The humans have made their escape, WOO HOO, but alas, very little progress has otherwise been made: freaky little Lexi is still some sort of hybrid god, the aliens still have the upper hand on the humans, Tom is still something of a (gorgeous) pompous blowhard, RoboDoc is still annoying, Ben and Deni are still adorable, and Anthony (silent and stoic) is still heartbroken at the loss of his beloved Pope. At least Pope got to be the hero for once. Wait. What? Also? Yet another alien is coming. And I’m sure it, too, will look vaguely reptilian.
We open with the senior Masons and Weaver, looking for respite for their escapees. They encounter yet another patrol, because they are on the “Espheni most wanted list.” What else is on that list, I wonder? Several pairs of socks? Visine? A copy of Charlotte’s Web? So many possibilities. Anyway, Weaver is still wondering what he saw after they escaped. Hint: It wasn’t Waldo. Then? Tom’s got a laser target on his head. Fingers crossed.
Hal tackles Tom to the ground, before they realize that it’s just Cochise’s friend(?) who has a bead on him. Cochise comes out in a cowl, like a melted Jedi, and he is the cutest. He and Tom hug. Cochise introduces the thwarted shooter as his second in command, “Shaksheklelshwashasshash.” I’m pretty sure I’m not spelling that right. Apparently, not only can Cochise provide shelter, he knows where Wee Matt of the Unfortunate Hair is. Yay!
Matt is in Hitler Youth prison. At least he gets Beefaroni for dinner. (Yes, I can tell. I was a latchkey kid.) Kent, the creepy team leader, wants him to rat out his fellow attempted escapees. “There are no sides, there is only the truth,” says Herr Kent not sounding at all Stepford. I’m not sure if it is the camera angle but Wee Matt looks really, really small compared to Kent. Maybe I will have to call him Teeny Wee Matt. Wait—that sounds kind of dirty. And insulting. Anyway, Kent assures Matt, with a poorly written and delivered speech that oh yes, Matt will soon give up the goods. Wait. That also sounds dirty.
Cochise tells Tom of the drones they are using for surveillance. SEE WHAT WILL BECOME OF US, AMAZON?!?! Tom wants to find Matt, and Weaver, looking for a shiv like a normal person, insists on going because he knows how it feels to miss his kid since Jeeeeeaaaannnne Weaver was taken. Tom tells Hal to watch the camp and stay hidden, practically guaranteeing Hal will go out in the open.
Tom, Weaver and Cochise hit the road. As they walk, the camera goes all inebriated stalker from under the abandoned vehicles, complete with a sound like Darth Vader having a heart attack. Uh oh. Weaver is the only one who notices. Cochise says, “Yo! Weaver all cray-cray!” (Actually he says Weaver is behaving erratically. I just wish he said the other.) They walk on, Weaver proving himself the only smart one in the group by keeping diligent watch.
Back in the Asian Botanical Gardens (aka: Chinatown) creepy Lexi and her RoboDoc mama are extolling the virtues of medicinal plants. If Lexi can identify medicine that already makes her a better doctor than Anne. Also? Lexi’s hair still looks like it should be on a Lord of the Rings elf. They have their come to Jesus talk and no one cares.
Lourdes yells at Anthony when he is still bearing arms. Remember when Lourdes used to be adorable? Yeah. Me neither. RoboDoc tells Anthony to get outside the perimeter and it seems vaguely racist. Lexi thanks her mom for understanding and DAMN! Lexi has some serious bug eyes, which are not helped by the single worst wig in television.
And then, (yay for me!) we gets some Tector! Tec and Hal are discussing refugee resources and his accent makes me swoon a little. And look! Pope is even being helpful! Hal doesn’t want to move until Tom comes back. Pope calls him a sissy (basically) and Tec offers to go on the milk run. NO YOU DON’T, show. Do NOT kill my Tector. You already killed Dai (mmmmmm….Dai….) and Tec is pretty much all I have to live for, Falling Skies wise. Thankfully, it is Pope who hits the road.
The Three Amigos are still looking for Wee Matt while stalker Darth watches. They mention the Hitler Youth as was bound to happen. Tom details their invasion plan. “You are tired,” says Cochise. “You are observant,” says Tom. Ha! And then Cochise gets jumped and it is screechy and scrabbly and as it runs away I think it kind of looks like a viper…monkey? Yeah. A ViperMonkey. I’mma go with that. Oh, no! Cochise got bit by the ViperMonkey and is poisoned! Apparently, though, he is part Honey Badger, ‘cause he can process poison and he don’t care. (It should be noted that the ViperMonkey’s blood looks like squid ink, and I am praying they are part octopus just so I can copyright the word OctoViperMonkey.) Tom and Weaver talk about Weaver seeing the monster in the ghetto (in the ghettoooooo). Weaver, wisely, wants to figure this shit out. Tom? IS HERE TO GET MATT. Because, as always, no one matters more than the Masons.
Hal and Dingaan (who is a hottie, too, it must be said) are back at refugee camp. I wonder if Angelina Jolie will come by? Anyway, they listen to a pirate radio broadcast about another safe haven, about a day’s march west. Hal realizes it is creepy Lourdes! Tec comes in and as I ruminate about how I want to be in a Tec-Dignaan sandwich, he lets Hal know that the Espheni is coming within 24 hours. Hal holds his ground. “Stayin’ here ain’t an option,” Tec says. THANK YOU, TECTOR!
Meanwhile, Pope finds a stash of fuel. I’m sure no one collected that up. Oh, wait. Maybe the girl with the rifle did! Jeez, that blows a big hole! That sounds…never mind. Immediately, she shows that she’s wearing her sassy pants, and Pope (to Anthony’s dismay) is intrigued (ie: turned on.) She offers Pope a warm beer and it’s an offer he can’t refuse. She tells Pope she is basically him, with boobs, and she will emerge victorious. And she can. Because she drugged his beer. Ha! Wait. Is that Mira Sorvino? Didn’t she win an Oscar? Wow. Apparently this show should be called Falling Stars.
Out at the perimeter, RoboDoc is “shocked” (ie: blank, as usual) at Lexi’s appearance. Ben and NotKaren tell her Lexi has been meeting with the Espheni and Anne tries to shout “Son of a bitch!” and she is no Dean Winchester, I’ll tell you that much. Anne and Maggie want to off the skitter, but Ben says to stay calm, proving again he is my favorite Mason.
ShePope has tied Pope to a chair. They are still bickering until the Mechs come. Pope tells her he can take them down if she unties him. She does. Oh, and her name is Sara, and I don’t care because I like ShePope better. Pope and ShePope flirt as they run from the Mechs, and she couldn’t be more of a romantic plot device if she was played by Rachel McAdams.
Tom and Weaver break into Hitler Youth Camp. They try to free the kids but they go all Rolfe from the Sound of Music and turn them in with rape whistles. Weaver, wisely, wants to leave. But, of course, THEY AREN’T LEAVING WITHOUT MATT! They run into Mira (not Sorvino, Mira the cute little girl that WeeMatt has the squees for) and she brings them to him. Weaver holds position to cover Tom’s back (not as sexy as it sounds) and gets jumped by the OctoViperMonkey! Oh noes! Hitler Trent spews yet another “blah blah blah” become a man speech and it is awkward and super pedo . Tom proceeds to beat Trent like a rented rug. Wee Matt of the N’Sync Justin Timberlake curls stops him. ‘Cause, you know, humanity, or whatever.
Dingnaan and Hal look at the moon and talk about Hal’s mom and summer sports camp and Dignaan is like, seriously? Tell me some more American white people stories. Can we talk Espheni now? Jesus. Dignaan tells Tom to man up. No one cares that he killed someone once. No. One. Dignaan also tells Hal that lacrosse isn’t a sport. Rugby is. Then, international sport analogy of go-fight-win.
Wee Matt asks where Weaver is, and Tom says “No big, Dan is tough.” He is, but can he fight an OctoViperMonkey? I think not. Anyway, Mira wants to stay and trick the Hitler Youth but Wee Matt realizes she is literally his only potential for a girlfriend and says no. Mira goes back and Tom rescues Matt leaving Mira behind. Masons are more important than anyone. ANYONE.
Weaver wakes up on a pile of mattresses. The OVM is watching him. Wait. Is it friendly? Like E.T? And then I see it. At first I’m dismayed because I really wanted to go with OctoViperMonkey thing, but then I am stunned and shout “NO EFFING WAY!” Because OVM? Is Jeeeeeaaaannnnne Weaver! She’s now some bad ass, X-Men looking weirdo and there is no way she is going to be on the family Christmas card this year. And then? Actual sadness, because OVM Jeannie dies saving her dad. Damn it. I liked her. You will be missed, rare Falling Skies woman who was not annoying.
Pope and ShePope are still with the playful fight flirting. She actually pretends to know Kung Fu. It is so awkward and lame an attempt to be funny that it doesn’t work at all, and I still think Pope and Anthony make a better twosome.
Hal proves crappy motivational speeches are genetic. Tec, thankfully, just tells people to pack so they can move. Pope and ShePope come back to the camp, and Pope is the hero…again? Wow! I’m seeing a trend here. Hal chews Pope out and ShePope comes to his defense and I can’t tell if this show ruins actors but Mira Sorvino is super stiff. She tries, God knows, but she is so Pope derivative it is awkward. Hal backs down and they move out.
RoboDoc confronts Lexi, who still looks like she is cosplaying Elrond. They have a stilted mother-daughter talk. Ugh. Jeannie died and they live? Not fair. Not. Fair. Things get tense as the Overlord approaches and Ben’s neck spikes light up and he still has those? Okay. And then Ben goes translator again and Espheni and humans working together for peace and blah blah blah. And then? GUESS WHAT! The Overlord calls Robo MOM! Lexi’s evil twin? It matters not, because she goes all Storm again and knocks everyone out until the twin calms her down. And I did not think this show could get any worse but all I have to say is Firefly: one season and this show is in season four.
Dignaan is still sassy and cute as Hal spray paints a message for Tom. It says “Croatoan” and I deeply, desperately wish I was watching Supernatural. Shaksheklelshwashasshash talks to Hal and sounds like the identity protected guy on To Catch a Predator. The 2nd Mass move out again. Every episode with the homeless march.
Cochise is healed wants to keep going but Wee Matt needs a nap, so priorities. Weaver joins them and tells Tom about the heartbreaking loss of his daughter. It’s actually really sad, honestly. Even Tom cries, and her last name wasn’t Mason. Weaver says it is better she is gone, and he is proud that Jeannie fought right to the end. WeeMatt hugs him and Tom looks on like “See? Any Mason interaction is better than love from your own kid.”
Then, an Espheni makes a ruby from dirt and I wonder: is this show going to just throw every comic book sci-fi trope out there until one of ‘em sticks? Aliens! Faux Transformers! Controlling the Weather! Laser Prisons! Big frickin’ spiders! We look into the gem and see the fiery end times. “Geminus are you here?” the Espheni asks the Overlord (via Telepathy! With the Alien General Greivous!) He is. And he says that creepy Lexi will be the weapon that takes down the Masons. Here’s hoping.