My dearest Sweatpants & Coffee tribe,

I meant to write something inspirational for this new year, full of stirring prose and motivational magic. The literary equivalent of that first precious sip of coffee. You’d read a few sentences and then leap off the couch, blazing with glorious determination, eager to pursue your destiny, but first, you’d want to print out these sparkly gems of wisdom and tape them to your bathroom mirror. It was going to be THAT good.

But here’s the thing: I am so freaking tired.

Some of my exhaustion might be from the chemotherapy I recently completed. Some of it might be due to our current socio-political climate and everyone’s need to fret and shout and type out their opinions to the internet in righteous, capslock-y ferver. Some of it, if we’re getting real here, is that I just stay up too late for no good reason at all. Oh, and I might be (definitely am) going through a bout of depression.

My sparkly wisdom-gem pouch of glittery motivational stardust is empty. I’m using it to hold tortilla chips and Sharpies. Some days, finding my way from one end of a thought to the other is arduous. I get discouraged contemplating unanswered emails and dirty dishes. I’m in a constant state of fearful irritation. In other words: a treasure to be around.

So, I just decided to show up. Here I am, on the page, in my life, in the world. Messy and weird and disorganized, but also just willing to be here. Like this. TA-DAH! *jazz hands*

If you show up, you get to find out what comes next. If you’re willing to hang out with your pain and doubts and flaws and your wrinkly, crumb-covered pajamas, you are present for the goodness that will eventually make itself known. If you take a deep breath and squint your eyes, you will see the next step to take. Maybe not the whole path, but you might see a stepping stone, and when you get to that one, you can worry about what comes next.

Yes. This is the kind of shit I tell myself in order to get out of bed in the morning, and YES, it’s extra-cheesy with a side of cheese sauce. Mmmm…delicious.

It’s far too early in the year to commit to big aspirations. What if an asteroid hits tomorrow? I say we just show up. Let’s just come as we are, with our open, fractured hearts and our willingness to witness each other, and let’s just see. I will if you will.



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