The roomies share their stories of losing their virginity and Nick and Jess have a HUGE moment.

DISCLAIMER: This week’s episode filled me with squee. I cannot adequately express my feelings with words, so I am actually doing an interpretive dance right now. You can’t see it, but it is impressive. I’m not gonna lie. I went full fangirl this week.  There may be capslock and shipping. Proceed at your own risk.

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We begin, as fortuitous events do for many of us ladies, with depilation. Specifically, Jess is removing the hair from Cece’s armpits. Now that’s a best friend, y’all.  She cheerfully asks Schmidt and Winston if they’d like any hair removed, which is a pretty bold move considering you never know where ol’ Schmidty will go with that. However, Schmidt has other plans. He is on his way to a date with Elizabeth (yay, Elizabeth! I luff her.) and he is looking forward to non-fatty love makin’.  Schmidt: “I haven’t had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch.” Also, now he’s learned some stuff, including, apparently, the use of a turbo charged vibrator called “The Archduke.” Cece: “I thought I threw that thing out the window.” Schmidt: “That only made it stronger.” Yikes.

 Winston is on his way to have some hasty sex with Daisy – must be another sex window – and he is stoked. While he and Schmidt are high fiving, Jess’ phone goes off. Her hands are covered with depilatory cream (that canNOT be good for her skin) so she asks Schmidt to answer it for her. Everyone is interested to learn that it is someone named Teddy who wants to have drinks with her. Teddy? Suddenly Nick bursts out of the stall (“Sometimes I just sit in there and listen to you guys.”) demanding to know who Teddy is.  Nick: “Am I the only one dying to know who this Teddy character is? I think I speak for all of us—“ Schmidt: “Nick, you and Jess didn’t work out, okay? www.moveon.org.” Way to be supportive, bro.

 Jess is uncomfortable. She tells them, reluctantly, that Teddy took her flower. Laughter ensues.  Nick: “He stole a flower from you and you want to have drinks with him?” Jess waits for him to put it together. “Ohh, from your wonderful secret garden.” OMG, Nick. I love you. You weird, awkward nutball. Cece, who’s been standing there this whole time with her Nair-covered pits, says they need to hear this story, because it is the worst. This leads to the roommates trying to outdo each other with terrible stories of how they lost their virginity. This is even better than True American!

 Jess’ Tale: Prom, 2000. Jess is wearing a fantastical concoction of satin, tulle, and fake flowers. It’s like a fairy and a craft supply store had a baby. She’s in a hotel room with her Michael Cera-esque date, and she’s ready to get down to bidness. In her case, bidness involves clumsy freak-dancing to Lisa Loeb’s “Stay.” Her date, who it turns out co-founded the Gender Equality Society with her, is hilariously and scrupulously observant of the rules of consent. “I’m going to freak you towards the bed. Do I have your permission?” They run into some difficulty as Jess is actually sewn into her dress. Her date’s courteous but timid attempts to free her from it are unsuccessful and Jess is getting frustrated. Finally she bursts out with, “Just be a man and rip it off!” Which then freaks out Mr. Gender Equality. Jess says she’s going to go see if the front desk has a seam-ripper. [Back in the loft, the boys are growing impatient with this story. Nick: “Get to the sex part!” Schmidt: “If this is another story about sewing, I swear to god …”] Anyway. Teenage Jess ends up sitting dejectedly in the hotel hallway. Apparently, the seam-ripper quest was unsuccessful.  Suddenly, a dreamy-looking boy (Dylan O’Brien) appears at the end of the hallway. Also? He has an acoustic guitar. He ends up sitting with her, playing “Stay” and singing with her. It’s cheesy and romantic, and they are about to kiss when Gender Equality opens the door announcing that he has taped two steak knives together as there are no scissors. While he is gesticulating passionately, he cuts open his palm and freaks out. That’s when Guitar Guy quietly slips away. The guys are mad that this is not actually the story of how Jess lost it. Jess: “It’s the prologue!” They have no patience for this. So they move on to Cece.

Pause for capslock: OMG, NICK IS SO JEALOUS! MY SHIPPER HEART IS FILLED WITH GLEE! Ahem. Okay. Let’s continue.

Cece’s Tale: While Jess was busy not getting laid upstairs, Cece is down in the hotel bar. She confesses to the bartender, somewhat defensively, that she’s still a virgin. So what? While the flustered bartender mops up the drink he just overpoured, a sexy British voice announces from the other end of the bar that he would like to make love to Cece. The bartender whispers to her that it’s Mick Jagger.  At this point, Schmidt has a minor meltdown. “What?! Game changer! Beatlemania! Beatlemania!” Really, Schmidt? Cut to a suggestive montage of Cece’s bare foot and a plate of breakfast. All I can say is, it was hot and it made me really want bacon. Winston points out that that is not an embarrassing story. Cece: “I know. I just really like telling it.” High five, girl. Jess says this means Cece is in last place. Clearly, Jess has the worst story. Schmidt says nope.

 Schmidt’s Tale: It’s his senior year of college. He’s 200 pounds heavier. “Freshman 50, plus sophomore 50, plus junior 100.” He’s getting ready to do the deed with Elizabeth and in preparation, he has purchased a giant jar of lube. At Costco, I presume. Is it cool if he has the room later? Nick: “Yeah, I got some mushrooms and I’m going to a Dave Matthews concert later. I’m a Daver.” [Winston: “White people.”] Nick wants to know if this will be Schmidt’s first time making “full love.” Heck no. Schmidt says back in high school they called him the “Sex-Haver.” But, uh. Would Nick mind answering some questions anyway? Schmidt: “Hey, does it hurt for the guys?” Nick: “Not one bit.”

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Nick has already consumed his mushrooms and is ready to leave for the concert, but he’s also hallucinating like a son of a bitch and there’s a troll at the end of his bed who doesn’t want him to leave. Also, his arm is a magnet and the walls are magnetized. Which is why he’s still there when Schmidt and Elizabeth arrive for sexytimes. Nick’s horrified face as he listens to the sound of Schmidt and Elizabeth making out and applying, um, lube, is pure comedy gold. Elizabeth: “That’s a big jar of lube, man. Wait. Why are you rubbing on your leg? No, that’s my arm. Ahhh! Eyes! Eyes! Stop moving so much, you’re too slippery!” I. Was. Dying. Eventually, greased Schmidt slips out of the bed and this happens while Boys 2 Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” plays in the background.

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Nick and Schmidt wrestle somewhat homoerotically on the floor as a blinded, lube-smeared Elizabeth cries plaintively that she just wants to make love. Elizabeth: “I think there’s enough lube. I think we can do it now. You definitely shouldn’t be going to get more.” Can I just say how much I love this actress? Merritt Wever is phenomenal. She is so sweet and compelling in every scene. I love Cece, but I already feel like there’s more depth to Elizabeth’s character in the short time we’ve seen her. So yeah. I’m Team Elizabeth, baby!

Winston says there’s no way he can win because his story was beautiful. Nick immediately goes turtle-face.

Winston’s Tale: Nick’s dad has taken teenage Winston and Nick along with him on a business trip to New York. Winston: “He said that we could do whatever we wanted. And we did.” Cut to the boys (love Winston’s afro and Nick’s long hair and braces!) watching the sex scene from Titanic in the hotel room. Walt: “Hey, I didn’t bring you two all the way to New York so you could sit on the couch, watch TV, and flick each other’s Bics!” Nick informs him that someone broke into the room last night and ordered a pornographic movie, so there’s a mistake on the bill. Heh heh. Walt doesn’t care. He has a surprise for them. Winston immediately assumes what we will come to know as his “Mojo Man” face, while young Nicky begins rocking back and forth in his chair. “No no no no no no no no.” Hookers! Hookers for everyone! [Jess: “Wait. What? You lost your virginity to prostitutes?” Winston: “No, they were business women!” Nick: “Winston, one hundred percent they were prostitutes.” Winston is in denial.] The ladies names? Mysteria and Octopussy.

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Octopussy offers young Nick a drink. He demurs. “Oh, no thank you, Miss Octopussy. I don’t drink. I prefer to be high on life.” However, he soon changes his mind. He takes the bottle she offers and chugs. “Interesting!” Then he starts crying.

Winston: “So Mysteria and I made love that night, for ten beautiful seconds.” Jess cannot believe Nick lost it to a prostitute, but he tells her he couldn’t go through with it. Cut to young Nick, huddled under a blanket in the hotel room. Walt is back after a late night and he wants to know what’s up. Nick confesses that he’s had some alcoholic beverages. So has Walt. Nick: “I’m sorry, Dad. I couldn’t make love to Miss Octopussy. It was too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI was going to track me down, or a paper trail …” Aw, lookit the baby conspiracy theorist! Walt says Nick thinks too much. He worries about him. He doesn’t want him to miss out on the stuff that happens when he doesn’t think too much, because that is the best stuff. It’s an oddly poignant moment. We all know what a crappy dad Walt is, but you can see here that even broken dads are sometimes trying their best. Nick: “I think I really like drinking.” Walt: “Good! That’s great, that’s wonderful. That’s a great start.” Um, yeah. Walt asks Nick not to tell Winston that he hired a couple of pros. He asks him to wait until he’s gone. Back in the present, Nick tells Winston it’s time he knew. Winston is thoroughly disillusioned. “Was Mysteria even her real name?”

Nick tries to console Winston by telling him he won the contest. However, Jess can’t let it go. Her story isn’t done yet, and it involves murder.

Jess’ Tale, The Conclusion:
Jess has just moved to L.A. to be with Cece. She’s still a virgin at 22 and they’re out at a bar that looks strangely familiar. She is determined to lose it. Cece points out a booth where young Winston, Schmidt, and Nick are drinking like doofish doofuses. Cece: “They are definitely single.” Jess: “I mean. Kill me.” And then! In walks Guitar Guy from prom night! He totally wants to hook up, and so does Jess, except he’s living out of his car and Jess is sleeping on Cece’s couch, so what to do? They end up in a children’s play castle at the park. I’m still not understanding why this was a better option than the car, but I get the comedic value.

Pause for an adorable scene where Fat Schmidt approaches Cece. “Do you like DVDs?” Awwwwww. But nope. Schmidt to the bartender: “Do you sell cookies? Not a cookie bar.”

Jess and Guitar Guy are making out in the castle. He tells her he’s on a lot of anti-depressants so it might take a while.

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Jess: “So two hours later, still nothing. It was like a windsock on a windless day.” Guitar Guy is having angst. Young Jess: “Give me an update, brother. How’s your wang?” He weepingly replies: “It’s just, it’s so much easier when you’re in the shower and you’re by yourself.” Jess suggests they try the other side of the castle, and that’s how they end up stuck in what appears to be the drawbridge. Children are eyeing them judgementally. Firemen arrive to help free them and Jess explains that they tried to do it on the bench (um, hello – possibly even more illegal, Jess) but there was a man sleeping there. Turns out, the man is not so much sleeping as fatally stabbed. MURDER! Guitar Guy laments that there is so much death in the world. Jess is sick of him! He’s sick of her, too! And he might be gay! [Nick: “Teddy’s gay? I knew it! Yes!” Oh, you guys. HE IS SO JEALOUS IT IS ADORABLE.]

However. That wasn’t Teddy. Teddy turns out to be the hunky fireman who frees Jess from the castle and carries her to his firetruck. A sleepy Jess invites him to take her home. I would like to note here how ridiculously pretty Zooey Deschanel is with very little makeup and her hair all soft. I know they did that to try to make her look younger (it worked) but I really hope they move her in this direction eventually.

Schmidt is tired of firemen always winning. Jess: “Well, you know. I just waited so long and Teddy took me by surprise. It was the heat of the moment. I didn’t have to think about it.” Nick is listening and looking thoughtful.

Schmidt, Cece, and Winston exit, still arguing about who won the contest. Nick stops Jess to ask her if Teddy was one of those firemen who just hung back and took care of the dog. Jess: “No, he like, straight up fought fires.” Nick: “That’s really awful to hear.”

Jess points out that Nick never told his story. Nick: “Alison Daniels, on a towel in the woods. I cried. She kept her bra on. It was nice.” Oh, Nick. Jess was right about you in season 1. You aren’t a casual sex kind of guy. It’s a sweet story and you can tell Jess likes it. Then her phone beeps. She has to go meet Teddy. She asks Nick what he thinks, but all he can do is stare. She gives this resigned little shrug, pushes up her glasses and heads out the door.

BUT THEN.

She’s in the elevator, and suddenly, Nick is there just as the doors are about to close. He’s kind of breathless and her eyes get real big. He walks to her determinedly and scoops her up into his arms. IT’S LIKE A DAMN ROMANCE NOVEL YOU GUYS!!!!! She gasps (so did I) and he says to her, low and gruff, “Let’s not think about it.” HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP!

A montage plays of the other three couples. Winston and Daisy, getting it on while he distracts himself with the Titanic on TV. Schmidt and Elizabeth debating whether or not to use the Archduke. Cece and Shivrang deciding to wait.

Nick carries Jess into his room. He’s standing there, holding her and staring into her eyes. He looks down at the bed. They both do. And then they are kissing.

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The credits roll as a sweaty and happy Nick and Jess lay next to each other in bed. They’re still trying to catch their breath. They seem dumbfounded by what just happened because it was clearly EPIC, but they also still seem like them. Like, they’re sort of giggling and looking at each other like, “Well, how about that?” Then they look at each other with raised eyebrows and they cannot keep a straight face.  Nick: “Oh boy.” Jess: “Ruh roh!”

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Ruh roh, indeed, friends.

 Nanea Hoffman is the founder of Sweatpants & Coffee. She loves sweatpants, coffee, and getting overly attached to fictional characters.

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