Are you Dean Winchester level famished? Forget Sam’s salads and Bobby’s heart smart suppers–we recommend these grease and sugar-laden foods that are the perfect shame snacks to fortify you for the family business.
Deep Dish Pizza
The favorite food of Death himself. He spared the city of Chicago from the destruction of one of the Four Horsemen because it’s so delicious. If you want him to bring your soul back from hell, DO NOT substitute with pickle chips. It reminds him of being bound to the Winchesters, and he’ll kill you before you start.
Can be purchased at your local Gas ‘n Sip. Don’t worry, Cas…I mean Steve…will be happy to heat those up for you. Dean has been known to eat them in quantity on movie sets, because he’s one hell of a PA.
Preferably should contain bacon and extra onions, even if Sam doesn’t like what they do to the Impala. Obviously, not available at the vegan bakery. Eating these will help you avoid the desperation of meat deprivation. Another sandwich option? The Pepperjack Turducken Slammer. It’s the perfect storm of the three most edible birds. Just don’t cut it in half and look at it. Leviathan snot is gross.
The crunchiest of reminders of everyone’s favorite little brother. Sam probably wouldn’t approve of this recommendation: he’d much prefer you have an organic apple or some bananas and water. But sometimes? You just need to eat something as sweet and nutty as the bond between Sam and Dean.
Made from meat, which is Dean’s favorite food group. Have them in honor of Bobby Singer. If anyone asks what you’re eating, you are encouraged to shout “BALLS!” in a grizzled growl. Just don’t overdo it, ya idjit.
Don’t underestimate these twisty little wonders: they indirectly saved Ellen Harvelle’s life! You can go small and crispy, like a mid-western bar snack, or you can go big and chewy, like they make at Oktoberfest. If you choose the latter, have your brew in a stein and watch out for faux vampires.
So okay, they’re not hellhounds. These are much tastier and they’re not filled with black blood. You don’t even have to endure the trials or barter away your soul to get them! Holy fire glasses are optional. Available everywhere, including at the crossroads.
Preferred snack of monster infested mental institutions everywhere. Sweet, delicious and rich, kind of like the Winchesters (well, two out of three, anyway.) Sadly, Dean Winchester’s naked thighs are not included. You may want to eat this with a silver spoon with a sharpened handle–you never know if it’s been served to you by a wraith.
Don’t forget the pie! The Winchesters may never get that apple pie life Sam dreams of, but they can certainly get it for dessert. Do not substitute with other baked goods: cake is NOT pie! If you buy it at Biggerson’s, watch out for Kevin Tran. He’s a known pie thief.
The Salt ‘n Burn
You’ll need a cocktail to wash it all down. We recommend our very own creation, the Salt ‘n Burn. It’s the only kind of fireball that Sam and Dean would find acceptable. Drink them in quantity if you need to kill a shojo, but don’t let Garth have more than one. He’s a lightweight.
Got anything else we should add to the menu? Let us know in the comments! Bon appetit!