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Sweatpants & Humor | Please Don’t Take Me Shopping

By Heather Dyer

I have a confession to make: I despise shopping. I know, I know, I’m female so genetically I’m supposed to enjoy hours of endless browsing, but I don’t. It makes me jittery, and it always has. When I first moved to town, two new friends invited me to go to Wal Mart with them and their kids. Cool, I thought. I’ll pick up a box of diapers, some cereal, snacks, and bada boom bada bing we’ll be outta there!

WRONG. Two hours later we were still in Wal Mart. TWO HOURS! By the time my friends had browsed every clearance rack and pinched every pillow and inventoried all the canned goods I was so desperate to leave I almost grabbed my 3 kids and walked the 20 miles home again. I honestly think we could have done that in less time.

I have what I like to call Shopping Avoidance Disorder (a totally made-up condition). Due to my SAD I think Amazon Prime is the greatest invention in modern history. Running low on coffee? Two day shipping. Kids need underwear? Two day shipping. Can’t wait for the new bestseller? Two day shipping. Whatever you need, two day shipping!

About twice a year I have to venture out and actually go to stores for new clothes. I try to pretend it’s relaxing and I prefer not to take anyone with me because they might say things like, “Let’s get coffee before we start shopping,” or “I shop in Petites, what about you?” or “Why do you have to go to the bathroom again, is it because of the coffee?” It’s just better if this is a solo mission.
Today was that day, and here is my journey, encountering people and talking to them as well as shopping. I’m exhausted.
First stop: Craft beer store. Because it’s my day off and I feel like going there.

Second stop: Kitchen Etc., which I browse lightly but really I just need to use their bathroom, because there was coffee this morning.

Third stop: Old Navy, where I encounter two sales clerks almost back-to-back who ask if I am finding everything I’m looking for. Did the second one not pay attention to the answer I gave when I was talking to the first one standing two feet away? I tried on 15 things in under 3 minutes. I’m telling you, I have got this thing down pat. I declare this a successful trip because I end up with some sweaters and button-down shirts.

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