Holidays sometimes confuse me.

For example, if you were to say “Hey, I know what, let’s get some random children cosplay as monsters and demand candy from you after dark!” I wouldn’t necessarily think that this would be a good reason to declare that day a holiday. But I suppose it started as some sort of horrifying ritual in the 1800s when you put spoiled fruit out to ward off the devil or something on a certain day, and raccoons came around and ate it. Then eventually kids wanted to dress like in a raccoon style mask to get a piece of fruit on that day. Then maybe there was a period where they set your farm on fire if the fruit was not ripe, or just threw manure at your door or something and everyone had a great time. Somehow, it turns into giving out prepackaged candy that people still take to be x-rayed because of an urban myth about razorblades being inserted into the candy, or an excuse to go to parties where all of the women’s costumes need to be some random noun that has been turned into the “sexy” version of that object. Like Sexy Mr. Rogers, or Sexy Fondue Fork, or Sexy Chicken Broth, or Sexy Washcloth.

There are also holidays that are religious, and some of them have rituals to be observed and songs to be sung. But a lot of those have been gussied up as gift or card giving occasions, and the oldest of them are probably derived from ancient celebrations of the harvest, or the solstice, or the invention of the first beer bong (made from an ox stomach and reeds from the swamp or something.). Some of them still hold together thematically, like Easter, which is about rebirth. But then there are weird additions even there, like a sneaky rabbit who hides chicken eggs for no reason, and often a meal including ham. Pretty sure that ham was not on the menu at the time and place that the holiday has come to signify, but then again, they didn’t have Cadbury Crème Eggs either, which would ensure that I would not be celebrating as heartily.

Then there are the weird holidays like Flag Day, because, “Yay flag!” I guess. There does not seem to be any further requirement for that day, but it usually includes many flags being displayed. I suppose if the flags were made of candy, or hidden by a tiny comical giraffe or something, or if you were supposed to eat red, white, and blue potatoes stuffed in a duck and baked into a pie every year on that day, it could be a more popular holiday.

Personally, I would nominate Lasagna Day as a possible holiday. We would of course have Lasagna, but also there would be the traditional watching of Galaxy Quest, and the blindfolded beer identification game, and the late evening Lasagna Sandwiches we would make as we sat around swapping drunken stories of our days on the high seas, fishing the great schools of Parmesan Cheese that once roamed the world’s oceans.

My favorite holidays for the sake of holidays are usually the ones where not much is expected of you in the way of decoration or gift giving or meal choice. Like there is no reason to rush out for a string of Martin Luther King Jr. lights to put up on your roof, or a President’s Day tree, or Labor Day stockings to put up. You just get a day of less responsibility, in which you can lay on the grass in the backyard, arguing with friends about which cloud looks more like which Beatle, or counting the hairs on your beard.

If there is one thing that can be great about holidays, it could possibly be the fact that when you choose the folks to share it with, it can give you an excuse to have a great time with good food and drink; possibly songs or comforting traditions, and togetherness. Costumes, weird anthropomorphic and illogical animals, dead trees and countdowns optional. Personally, I say declare your own holidays whenever you want. About whatever you want. Like maybe you want to have Hamster Day, when you spend the day running on the treadmill and crawling through tunnels. Or Don’t Use The Word “And” Day, where everyone has to give you a kiss if they say the word and. Or just Chaise Longue and a Margarita Day, where I’m not sure what you might get up to.

In any case, have a happy whatever day it turns out to be.

Tony Moir is a cyborg who holds world records in synchronized luge and panda steeplechase. Or maybe he isn’t. But he lives in San Francisco with his lovely wife and three outstanding sons.

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