Ok, time for this weekly team meeting. Let’s go. Can’t wait (except I can). Whoever decided Monday at 9:00am was a good time for a video call is no friend of mine. I need time to really jumpstart my morning: lay in bed aimlessly, go through my emails, get a work out and a shower in, check my Hinge matches. You know, the essentials for every young professional. Monday meetings should be outlawed anyway, but pandemic life is like the Wild Wild West so here we are.

Why isn’t Zoom loading? I thought I already downloaded it. Ahh, there we go. Turn video on? Well, no, I really don’t want that, but I’ve been forced into the matter, so sure. Oh god, I look like I’ve aged 10 years with these shadows under my eyes. This lighting is terrible. Wait, what was that article I read at the start of quarantine? Something about looking good on camera. Lighting behind the laptop, got it. Thanks, Tom Ford; you helped my lighting issue, but guess there’s no fix for that “just rolled out of bed, no makeup in four months” look. Oh well, at least I remembered to put on a semi-professional looking shirt. Well, just a plain, black t-shirt and then a pair of pajama shorts nobody can see. Pajama shorts with pineapples on them. Business on top, party on the bottom. Apologies to the jeans collecting dust in my drawer. It’s me, not you. Actually, it kind of is you.

Blah, blah, blah. I know Janet is just trying to be friendly asking how everyone’s weekend was, but ain’t nobody got time for this. I watched Queer Eye for five hours straight, ordered an excessive amount of toiletries on Amazon and walked to my mailbox twice. What more do you want to know?

Nothing like an open-ended question posed to a group of ten people. Either everyone jumps at once or no one at all. Oh, hehe sorry, you go! No, no; you go ahead. I’m with the latter group. Let someone else talk and hopefully we move on before I’m forced to lie. Yes Todd, LOVE banana bread. Saturday night was homemade pizza night at my house followed by a hike on Sunday. Haha I know, got to burn off those calories somehow, amirite?

Alright, Janet is done with the small talk. Maybe Todd’s banana bread was putting her on edge because of her gluten-free diet? Nonetheless, let’s get down to the reason we’re all here. I’m not sure what that reason is, but that’s ok. I just need to sit two feet away from my camera and look invested in the discussion. Somebody give this girl an Oscar.

Oh god, who is typing so loudly? Zoom etiquette is a thing, Kim, and it means muting yourself when you aren’t speaking. We’re all doing other things (like online shopping), but at least the rest of us have the decency to be discreet about it.

Live, laugh, love. Inspiring words brought to you by Pam’s living room. No surprise there. And Jeff’s living room looks immaculate. He must have a housekeeper because I’ve seen his cubicle and it is not a pretty sight. I wonder if…oooh, a dog! Hiiiiii! Noo, come back. You were the best part of this meeting. Sigh.

Anyway, I wonder if people are judging my home workspace. I always have the same blank wall behind me, serial killer-style. Just kidding, but really, my options are limited in my 500-square-foot apartment. It was either this blank wall or my headboard. Next time, I should consider zooming from my bed though. At least I’d be comfortable.

Kim with the typing again, come on! How early is too early for a glass of wine? I could pour it into my water bottle and no one would even notice.

Yes, we’re getting close to the end! Janet is wrapping up with her usual COVID-19 updates, which have been the same for the last three months. We will continue to work from home indefinitely, but there are constant discussions regarding reopening strategies. Yeah, yeah, we know. See y’all in 2021. Man, I should have taken those snacks out of my drawer before the building closed. Whoops.

Have a good day everyone! Yes, thank you Janet. I hope you have the BEST day, mainly because you ended this meeting 15 minutes early and put us out of our misery. Later haters. Ok, my time to shine (and unmute for the first time in 44 minutes): “Thanks, bye!”

It’s been a productive morning, don’t want to overdo it. Nap time it is!

Kerri Convery

Kerri Convery is a freelance writer with a full-time gig in brand content strategy. A Boston-area native, Kerri enjoys the falls and summers while always managing to forget just how much she dislikes New England winters. She has a love/hate relationship with working out, cooking and online shopping, and a love/love relationship with dogs, french fries and country music. Her special skills include creating the perfect, mood-based Spotify playlist, procrastinating like it’s nobody’s business and knowing every line from The Office.

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