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Sweatpants & Humor | I’m Really Not All That Worried About Who Reads My Facebook

By Jon Ziegler

I checked my Facebook notifications and set my phone on the coffee table. Likes weren’t all that important since I had started my Facebook account for fun, and I am not all that worried about how many people read my posts.

I went back to watching Dancing with the Stars. Well, actually, my wife was watching Dancing with the Stars; I just happened to be in the same room. I’m not a big fan of celebrity dancing.

I checked my Facebook notifications again, which is odd because I started my Facebook page for fun, and I’m not all that worried about how many people like my posts. Nothing had changed in the two minutes since I had last checked my notifications. I set the phone back on the coffee table.

My eyes were getting heavy and I was just about to fade into my Dancing with the Stars nap when my phone dinged and lit up. I couldn’t quite tell if it was a Facebook notification icon that was showing on the screen.

Instinctively, I started to reach for the phone to see what the notification was, but then I stopped and reminded myself that I had started my Facebook page for fun and I’m NOT all that worried about how many people like my posts. I can check it later. I went back to ignoring Dancing with the Stars.

My mind drifted. I thought about my Facebook post from earlier today, a post that was really funny how I had worded it. Who in the world wouldn’t want to like and share a Facebook post such as the one I had created? Even the picture of me that I uploaded with it was hilarious. This post was almost guaranteed to go viral. How would I be able to handle all the likes and friend requests from strangers across the planet?

It occurred to me that I was fretting over Facebook again. A page that I had started for fun and wasn’t all that worried about how many people like my posts.

“Stop it! Just stop it” I thought to myself.

“Stop what?” my wife asked.

Apparently, I had also said it out loud.

“Are you obsessing about Facebook again?” my wife added.

“NO! I started my Facebook for fun and I’m not all that worried about who reads it.”

Just then, the insurance commercial with Mayhem, the character who always causes disaster, came on the television, and caught my attention. I began to giggle as Mayhem caused his latest catastrophe. My wife rolled her eyes about me still laughing at a commercial I had seen a hundred times.

I laughed even harder as I reached for my phone…but then stopped mid-reach. I remembered that I wasn’t checking my notifications because I had started my Facebook account for fun and I wasn’t all that worried about how many people like my posts. I sat motionless. My hand was partially outstretched toward the place where my phone sat on the coffee table. I hated the thought of obsessing over something, especially a stupid Facebook account which I had started for fun and wasn’t all that worried how many people like my posts.

As I sat with my arm still partially outstretched, my phone lit up again. Only this time, my slightly more-forward posture allowed me to see that indeed it was a Facebook notification.

My eyes widened.

That made one Facebook notification for sure, and the possibility existed that the first time my phone lit up might be another notification. I stared at my Facebook checker…err…I mean my phone. It smoldered with the prospect of Facebook fame.

My hand moved ever so slightly closer to the coffee table. I stopped and reminded myself with gritted teeth that I had started my Facebook for…OH SCREW IT! I grabbed the phone. I had to know.

It might be a notification telling me that someone shared my post! Maybe two people shared it!

Maybe my post had broken Facebook with all the likes! Who knows, it could be a notification telling me that Ellen DeGeneres had mentioned my post on her show and I was in the midst of a tidal wave of Facebook Likes!

MAYBE MY FACEBOOK POST WAS JUST NOMINATED FOR THE NOBEL PRIZE!!!!!!!!

Frantically, I unlocked my screen. My hands trembled as I opened my Facebook page. The little red circle told me that I had one new Facebook notification (sigh, I was hoping for two or more). I opened the app to find that someone had liked a comment that I had made in response to their comment.

Sigh… ”

“People liking my comment is a good thing,” I told myself. Of course having Ellen DeGeneres mention my post on her show or winning the Nobel Prize is much better. Fortunately, I had started my Facebook account for fun and was not all that worried about how many people like my posts. Otherwise, I might be constantly checking my notifications and worrying about how many people liked my posts.

I set my phone back down on the coffee table. A second later it dinged once again and lit up. By chance, I had set it down face up so I could see that the notification was not from Facebook. It was a notification from my news app—an app I had downloaded to glance at news and politics headlines every once in a while, but not an app I was going to obsess over…

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