Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Season 2, Episode 4 – “Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen!”


Gretchen and the Church of Cosmetology

Kimmy gets a call from Cindy, another former Mole Woman, telling her that Cindy sent an important video through electronic mail. Kimmy opens it at the library, and finds a promotional video for the Church of Cosmetology starring none other than Gretchen, her former bunker-mate who willingly followed the reverend underground after selling him some of her hair.

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Despite the fact that Kimmy was never a fan of Gretchen, she knows that she can’t let Gretchen throw away more of her life on a cult like Cosmetology. She sees that the boat the group is leaving on will depart from a local harbor the next day, and Kimmy decides she’s going to kidnap Gretchen.

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Once Kimmy has Gretchen safely away from the departing ship, Kimmy tries to reason with her. Despite the fact that Gretchen is sort of insane, and willing to follow anyone who tells her what to do, Kimmy is convinced that she can change Gretchen. She wants Gretchen to finally realize that she doesn’t need someone to tell her what to do. Kimmy tells Gretchen she is a strong, independent woman, and to prove it Kimmy lets Gretchen have a “Choose Your Own Adventure Day.” She thinks that giving Gretchen the ability to choose only what she wants to do, not what someone else tells her to do, will help Gretchen snap out of her need for outside direction.

Unfortunately, Gretchen is a really terrible decision-maker when she’s left to her own devices (choosing things like adopting adult pit bulls, stealing guns from cops, and “nose candy”).

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Kimmy is stumped at this point, because she finally sees that even before the bunker Gretchen was used to getting directions from others. Growing up a competitive gymnast, Gretchen’s Coach Sergei was her guiding force, and when she hit a career-ending growth spurt, she needed someone like the Reverend to keep her in line. Gretchen starts spouting out cult-like nonsense about the dumb sheep needing a sheep leader. Kimmy secretly records her and plays her message back to her in an attempt to show her that she can be her own crazy cult leader. Gretchen is doubtful at first, but by the end of the episode, we see Gretchen embracing her crazy leader skills.

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I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Gretchen – at least I hope not.

Mikey’s first gay date:

Mikey and Titus are dating, and I couldn’t be happier. I truly love Mikey’s character, with his adorable curiosity about this new world he’s entering. He shows up to Titus’s apartment the morning of their date, pleading for help with his outfit. Titus retrieves his “ex-box,” full to the brim with discarded items that “heartbroken men” have left behind.

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Titus successfully dresses Mikey, but before they leave for their date Titus warns Lillian of what’s to come. He knows that he never stays with a guy more than one night, and so he orders Lillian to burst in during the night and kick Mikey out. Lillian is disappointed, because she truly likes Mikey, but Titus will hear none of it.

Their date starts with many unsuccessful attempts to enter gay clubs. While Mikey chats with Titus about the different types of gays (bears, cubs, otters, etc.), Titus realizes that Mikey doesn’t fit in to this world. When they fail to gain entrance to a single gay club the entire night, Mikey is disheartened. He stops by a food cart to clear his mind, and he delivers the most adorable monologue of the whole episode.

“There are other kinds of being gay though, right? I mean I always pictured like wearing sweaters a lot, and cooking together, and having a big shaggy dog. The whole place is just covered in fur. It’s all just fur, and sweaters, and hair, and fur, and hair.”

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“Did you ever see The Lion King? That is my favorite movie, play, t-shirt, and sleeping bag ever. I mean Timon and Pumbaa? When I first saw those guys I was like ‘I’m seeing something special here.’ Those two little furry dudes, caring for one another, singing songs, farting without judgment. They didn’t fit in with all the other meerkats and warthogs, but they fit in with each other. Forget bears and otters, we should all be meerkats and warthogs. You, my friend? Classic meerkat.”

Titus is visibly moved by Mikey at this point. Despite being closed off to him earlier, and wary of his lack of knowledge about being gay, it’s clear that Titus wants exactly what Mikey is describing – just to love someone and be loved back no matter what. Titus even breaks his rule of eating on a date when Mikey offers him a bite of his food. Embarrassingly, Titus “feezes” on him (a food sneeze), but instead of being upset Mikey starts laughing. Finally, Titus breaks down his tough exterior and joins Mikey. The whole scene is adorable and heartwarming.

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Sadly, the next morning Lillian finds Titus alone. She’s surprised he didn’t try to sleep with Mikey, but Titus is adamant that he will never call him again. Lillian tries to intervene, reminding him that Mikey is unlike those silly boys that left all their belongings for his ex-box. Titus claims that they were lucky to have been heartbroken by him, but Lillian calls him out on his lies.

Lillian: “The boys who left this crap behind weren’t heartbroken. They didn’t come back for their stuff because they couldn’t care less. And you pick up these silly boys because you don’t want them to come back.”

Titus: “I wanted them all to come back, all of them. They just never did, and they left behind some really important stuff.”

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Titus: “But if it’s only one night, at least I can tell myself they didn’t really know me. But what if a guy does take the time to know me, and he still leaves?”

This part just broke my heart. Despite the overall goofiness of this whole show, there are some really sweet moments mixed in, and seeing Titus bear his insecurities is one of the best ones. You just want to reach through the screen and give him a hug.

Lillian leaves Titus underneath his blanket cocoon, but secretly she goes to see Mikey on his construction site. She tells him that despite what Titus said on the phone, she truly believes that Mikey can take him from a cocoon to a butterfly. Mikey is still unsure, though, because Titus might be a little too much for him his first time around.

Later, as Titus is still walking around the apartment in his blanket cocoon, he and Kimmy hear a knock at the door. It turns out to be Mikey, and Titus begs Kimmy to make his life seem fabulous at that moment. He answers the door pretending to be entertaining a gentleman caller (which is really just Kimmy yelling strange things from the bedroom like, “My butt is getting cold!”)

Mikey tells him he doesn’t want to interrupt, but he left a tool there earlier. Titus softens instantly.

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Titus: “You came back. No one comes back.”

Mikey: “Yeah, well, maybe you’ve been dating bad guys Titus. I’m actually a good guy.”

Titus: “So you’d never hurt me?”

Mikey: “What? I can’t say that. You know I’m all about Hakuna Matata, but all I can promise is that it will be different from whatever that is.”

(“That” being Kimmy yelling in a baritone voice, “Let’s make a baby!”)

Titus apologizes for Kimmy being weird, and tells Mikey that he’ll give him a second chance. Mikey laughs, because he knows that clearly Titus is the one being given a second chance. Titus might have thought Mikey needed some work to fit into the gay community, but Mikey can see that Titus is the one who needs some work and tells him, “I can’t take on a project like that unless you’re willing – “

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But Titus cuts him off with a kiss, and my heart melted. These two are truly the highlight of this season for me so far. And adorably, when Mikey and Titus both wonder how the multi-tool got there, Lillian shouts from the hallway “Who cares how it got there?”

This episode didn’t have a lot of extra LOLs but it was the most heartwarming for me so far, and I’m excited to see what’s next.

Keep up with it by watching the entire season, now streaming on Netflix!

Rachel is a 30 something pediatric nurse currently living in South Carolina with her future wife. Check out what she’s reading over on Instagram at @lesbereaders.

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