Let’s face it: If I was to actually recap the second episode of Girls, titled Truth Or Dare, it would be incredibly simple: Hannah, Adam and Shoshanna and Adam take a long, ultimately pointless roadtrip to retrieve Jessa from rehab, while Marnie cleans her apartment.

Seriously, that’s about all that happened. The whole thing is so uneventful that as they’re cruising down the highway, Hannah says, “This roadtrip is just so unremarkable. You know what I mean? It’s like, it’s just so similar to other roadtrips that I’ve seen, like in various media.” It’s almost as if the show is saying, “Do you have nothing better to do on a Sunday night? Why are you watching this?”

So instead of a traditional recap, let’s do exactly what the characters do on a weekly basis and see how much of a mountain of fun we can make out of this molehill of a plot. Ready? Let’s go!

Girls HBO Season 3 premiere Truth Or Dare

Biggest Surprise: Pressured by Hannah to rent a car so they can go pick up Jessa, Adam does… leaving me somewhat shocked that this wild non-conformist apparently has both the driver’s license and non-maxed-out credit card required to do so.

Most Violent Music Critic: Apparently not a big fan of sing-alongs, Adam breaks the radio in the car rather than listen to Hannah and Shoshanna croon a tune.

Sentence That Demands To Be Completed: Ticked that Hannah is taking her gal pal out of rehab prematurely simply because Jessa wants to leave, Adam declares, “You can’t always get what you want!” Before he can stop himself, he’s concluding, much to his own chagrin, “But if you try sometimes, you just might… ”

Most Useful Piece of Information: Shoshanna’s big contribution to a conversation about addiction involves a friend who is hooked on Blueberry Red Bull. This was an insanely successful product placement, because I had no clue such a thing existed and have been dying to down one ever since.

Requisite Hannah Fashion Slam Of The Week: In pointing out what an awesome guy Adam is, Shoshanna says that he was there for Hanna when “you went total [crazy] and decided to cut your hair like a little boy on a fancy cookie box.”

Deepest Quote: When Jessa tells Jasper she’d like to spend a day in jail just for the experience, the older man — who has been popping pills to get through group therapy — beautifully sums up how many viewers feel about the young ladies of Girls. “Poor thing,” he sighs. “You’re too young to understand which thoughts are useless to you. When you’re older, our mind learns to let go of things that don’t suit you. You start to live with the same ignorance of the very young. Of course, being young is terrifying as well. You have all of the knowledge, but none of the language to dissuade yourself from the horrible truths of the world.”

Most Annoyingly Inane Conversation: Adam and Shoshana’s discussion about their favorite utensils. He says fork, but she suggests clouds as a food delivery system. Seriously.

Worst Liar: Hanna calls Marnie and claims she’s on a “couples getaway” with Adam. Hanna then admits where they’re really going. Called on the fib, she blusters, “I lied to you one second ago for a second and then I took it back a second later. That doesn’t even count.”

Grossest Moment: Hannah has an entire phone conversation perched on the sink counter in a restaurant bathroom. Like, with her feet up on the sink. Guess it coulda been worse. She could have crawled across the floor and under a stall like Renee did on Monday’s episode of The Bachelor. Anyway, soon after, Hannah declares herself to be itchy and asks if that is “a roadtrip thing.” No, honey, it’s a sitting on bathroom counter in strange restaurants thing.

Why We Love Shoshana: She doesn’t eat at the restaurant because they don’t have the calories on the menu, which she declares “totally illegal.” She does, however, wind up buying a rocking chair from the establishment. Also, she proudly states, “I will never be bored as long as there is Halloween.”

Why We Could Never Date Adam: His response to Shoshanna’s pro-Halloween stance is to declare he hates the holiday. Come on… who hates Halloween? And why? There’s a story there…

Dumbest Moment: Hannah, for no reason whatsoever, sticks her head through the base of the rocking chair and, shocker, gets it stuck.

Required Awkward Sex Scene Of The Week: Adam can’t go to sleep without having sex, forcing poor Shoshana to beat a hasty retreat from the room they’re all sharing.

Truest Statement: “School is the best thing you’ll ever have,” Hannah tells an anxious-to-graduate Shoshanna. “I mean, your job is basically just to, like, be yourself. That’s why I apply to grad school every single year.”

Worst Liar, Part II: Once again, the honor goes to Hannah, who repeatedly claims she’s not hungry, yet winds up eating her way across the state.

Most Relatable Hannah Moment: When Adam wants to go hiking, she refuses. “It’s really liberating to say no to s*** you hate,” she proclaims. “So you go ahead, you live your truth. I’ll be here, living my truth!” It’s worth noting that her “truth” involves curling up in a ball and listening to NPR’s All Things Considered.

Couple Most Likely To: Jasper sort of assumes he and Jessa are going to have sex. We sort of assume Jessa and Jasper are going to have sex. Yet somehow, Jessa is surprised by this assumption, and they actually don’t have sex.

Best Liar: Hannah redeems herself in the whole “bad liar” department by doing something that scores big, big points with me. Okay, you know how on every TV show in the history of ever, someone goes to the hospital to check on the condition of a patient. And when asked, “Are you a family member?” they stammer and pause, causing their request to be rejected? Well, Hannah actually says she’s Jessa’s sister!

Biggest Waste Of Time: Apparently, the whole trip was unnecessary as Jessa didn’t need to be signed out and could have left at any time.

Silliest Reference: Learning Jessa lied about needing to be picked up, Hannah spouts this doozy: “It made me remember what it was like in college when you’d say, “Oh, meet me at the Free Palestine party,” and then I’d find out you were over at the Israel house!”

Most Unexpected Revelation: By episode’s end, Adam is offering to go to meetings with Jessa. And suddenly, we’re left with the stunning realization that over the course of the past two episodes, Adam has managed to help each and every one of the distressed damsels. Sure, he may not look like your typical Knight in Shining Armor, but we’re suddenly seeing him in a whole new light!

So now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode? Is it time for Marnie to stop moping around and get both a new guy and a storyline? Is Hannah the most fashion-challenged character in modern television history? More importantly, would you date Adam? Hit the comments below and let us know your thoughts!

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