WARNING: This post is spoliery. Filled with spoilers. Spoileriffic, even.
In which Barbara asks questions regarding the Walking Dead finale.
1. Is anyone going to miss Milton but me? I mean, sure, it was an obvious choice to off him and all, and they certainly gave him a dramatic out by having him eat part of Andrea, whom we all agree was a useless slag. But I saw Milton as the only person smart enough to think”post” zombie apocalypse. Granted, trying to serenade zombies into submission while showing them pictures of their dead families was even worse science than that that is used by people who try to “reform” homosexuals, but still. At least Milton was trying to figure out how to continue to live in a world that will eventually run out of ammunition.
2. Does anyone else sincerely hope that the Governor didn’t use the speculum that was in the tool tray on Andrea? (Google it, gentlemen. And wince on us ladies’ behalf like we do for you when we see someone get kicked in the jewels.) Implying that Andrea was about to get the worst pelvic exam of her life was truly gross. Even she didn’t deserve that. Seeing that honestly made me sicker than any gut-muching this show has ever featured.
3. When will Daryl and Tyreese be shown shirtless/pantsless? I mean, cut a girl a break here. Zombies ain’t the only ones who find those boys delicious.
4. Why is everyone so surprised about Carl shooting that kid in the head? And why does that make him a “bad”person? Kids learn what they live, and Carl has learned that if you take a chance and don’t shoot a person, they come back to, quite literally, bite you in the ass. Supposedly this shows Carl’s loss of humanity and turn toward darkness. Turn toward darkness? That boy should be more emo than a Snow Patrol album. Other than his continued insistence on wearing that dirty, undoubtedly lice-infested hat of Rick’s, I think the kid is doing relatively okay. Considering.
5. Why the hell aren’t people like Carol and Beth spending an hour or so a day luring zombies to the fence and stabbing them through the head? I know, I know—it would be a drop in the bucket against the billions of horde out there. Still, it would be something to do. It’s not like the prison has Netflix. And why are zombie heads so easily crushed and sliced,anyway? Bones don’t rot. Eh, forget I asked that part. I guess it’s all in splattery good fun. I’ll go with it.
6. For the love of Christ, is Laurie FINALLY going to go away now? Even as a ghost she is a wrongly judgmental bitch, staring down with disdain at the guy who forgave her for sleeping with HIS BEST FRIEND. Which, let’s face it, is less realistic than a zombie apocalypse. When Rick looked up at that empty catwalk and she didn’t show, I actually shouted “HALLELUJAH!” louder than a gospel choir.
7. Why on God’s green earth would Rick, Daryl, and Michonne storm Woodbury? I mean, I’m glad it worked out and everything, and I get it. The Governor, who has not only taken the train to Crazy Town, he has bought a house there and equipped it with a gun tower, needs to be stopped. But three people? Against a whole, hugely armed, on-alert town with almost no cover? Daryl and Michonne are two of the bad assiest characters that television has ever seen, no doubt. That still felt like a piss-poor plan.
8. Could Andrea have taken any longer trying to free herself? I understand that the writers wanted Milton and Andrea to have all. The. Exposition. They tried to make us care that Andrea was about to get partially eaten and have to off herself (which didn’t work, by the way. The only one we felt bad for was Michonne.) But, seriously? Andrea held stares longer than a character on General Hospital. She tried to for way too long to pick up the wrench wearing goddamned boots. And when Milton finally stormed her and her free hand, she didn’t get into a defensive position and try to kill him with the wrench, she turned away to keep trying to work on the other hand! Andrea had to go, I know, but she has survived way worse, and performed way better in past zombie altercations. I didn’t buy that for a second. At least it helped me figure out my skill in the zombie apocalypse: after extensive spinal surgery as a kid I have prehensile toes. I would have been out of those cuffs in seconds and back to Daryl, where I belong.
9. Speaking of which, why is Daryl the best character in television history? This is a question that cannot be answered, I know. Norman Reedus, you make me swoon. You put more heart in two words in this episode than most other actors put into entire seasons full of monologues. I swear to God, if this show offs you, I’m out. Out.
10. Last but not least, where the hell is the Governor? He gave up Woodbury that easily? Where can this character go from here? It’s not like he can get more crazy. It’s not like he can lose another eye. It’s not like he can reinforce Andrea’s terrible taste in men by boning her again. No offense to David Morrissey, who is an extremely talented actor and manages to pull off wearing a patch better than Captain Hook, but the Governor should have died in the finale to make room for a new story arc villain. If I were writing the opening to Season Four, his remaining two lackeys would come to their senses and realize that the Governor’s mood swings are worse than a fifteen year old girl’s with PMS and it is just a matter of time before he shoots them too (or worse.) Having come to this conclusion that everyone else realized mere months ago, they decide to wait until he falls asleep and take him out. They make a run for it, only to be discovered by Daryl, who just happens to be only wearing snug-fitting boxer briefs but is armed to the hilt. Daryl shoots them both clean through the head like a boss, retrieves his arrows and goes home to high five Tyreese (who is also, weirdly,wearing only boxer briefs) and cuddle his favorite little ass-kicker, Judith, making my ovaries explode with the adorableness. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
What are your questions? Got answers for me? Let us know what you think!
Barbara Sirois Doyle is a writer for Sweatpants & Coffee. She would be a valuable addition to your team come the zombie apocalypse.