The new Levi’s I put in the dryer in 1987 are still damp.
— Bob Phillips (@BobTheSuit) June 6, 2019
As payback, I like to sneak up on wind chimes when they’re quiet and start screaming at them.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) June 9, 2019
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
— the library haunter 🦉🎄❄ (@SketchesbyBoze) June 11, 2019
[about to have sex]
me: I’m nervous
her: is this your first time
me: no I’ve been nervous many times
— 🐻uopuɐɹq (@BraandoCommando) June 12, 2019
Fran called. Her bathroom sink was clogged.
Also, Mitch the Maintenance Man found her missing hairnet.
— Myrna Tellingheusen (@PearlsFromMyrna) June 12, 2019
There is “life flashes before your eyes” terror and then there is “catches your 2 yo pouring himself chocolate milk on the couch” terror
— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) June 12, 2019
Professor X: tell me about your super power.
Me: I’m a total empath.
Professor X: well that just sounds stu— oh no, my stomach is starting to hurt!
Me: omg, mine too!
Professor X: ok, go home now. You’re done.
Me: now I feel sad.
— [crockett] (@CrockettsBeard) June 12, 2019
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
— Scott Sevena (@scot7a) October 24, 2018
I have intermittent bitch face.
Like when I’m being a bitch.
— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) June 12, 2019
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) June 8, 2019
I don’t even hide the credit card statements anymore.
If he wants to ruin his day, that’s his problem.
— Maybe She… (@CantWaitToNap) June 10, 2019
“Sure, I have a minute to spare” apparently isn’t the appropriate response when he asks for the sex.
— Maybe She… (@CantWaitToNap) June 12, 2019
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 10, 2019
…and then one day YOU’RE the old guy just trying to find some peace and quiet with your coffee at McDonalds.
— EdelBrice 🥨 (@StranDadAbroad) June 12, 2019
Never trust a psychic that doesn’t accept Walk-in appointments. The good ones should know you’re coming. #Dadjokes
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) June 12, 2019