A booty call when you have kids is just someone screaming for you to wipe their bum
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) August 9, 2020
I love my wife very much, but over the past few weeks she has been making a long furby for a friend’s birthday and it has made living here very uncomfortable pic.twitter.com/N5FbTEewb5
— Johnny Chiodini (@johnneh) August 9, 2020
Me: (texting my sister) I just reached 12.5K followers on Instagram!
Sister: (sends me account of a bird with 125K followers)
— Kids_kubed (@Kids_kubed) August 9, 2020
therapist: have you developed any strategies to cope with your depression
me: yeah i put something on netflix then scroll twitter instead of watching it
therapist: does that help
— james (@heybuddy_comic) August 9, 2020
guy about to invent bloody mary’s: do u like tomato juice
stranger: not at all
guy: what if it had vodka in it
stranger: that’s literally worse
guy: say no more
— Unstable Genius (@only1keiwan) August 9, 2020
Fun fact: It’s almost impossible for a man using a stud finder not to make a joke about finding himself. It is impossible if his wife is also in the room.
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) August 8, 2020
My uncle heard “never gonna give you up” in 1987 and judging by the trans am and the coke habit he took it pretty seriously
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 8, 2020
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 9, 2020
Grabbed a cup of coffee, drank most of it and left the cold remainder in the car. Came back to find it “naturally” reheated and piping hot — like a new second cup!
Sometimes it’s the little things.
— Ari Melber (@AriMelber) July 29, 2020
I only cried once today
— Annie are you okay? (@anniealone23) July 15, 2020
A woman wearing nothing but a man’s button up shirt is the epitome of sexy. This doesn’t hold true for a man wearing nothing but a woman’s blouse.
— Tyrannees (@tyrannees) August 8, 2020
Anyone wanna go to Lowes for me this morning? I need ro get stuff to redo 15’s room, but I have a big ass case of “don’t wanna wear pants.”
— DadInGeorgia (@clashley1976) August 8, 2020
I rolled out of bed this morning and saw I’d slept all night on a peanut. I ate it, of course, and thought this is the closest adults get to the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus.
— Holdin on a Hill (currently forming own country) (@HoldinCoffeeld) August 9, 2020
Crocs and a gas station hot dog.
Because I’m worth it.
— Annie the Nanny (@AnnietheNanny1) August 9, 2020
I’ve wasted enough time this morning lying in bed. Time to get up, go downstairs, and continue lying on the couch.
— Girl Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) August 9, 2020