Not to brag, but I can undo several days worth of healthy eating within just a matter of a couple of hours.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 31, 2020
me: I want a girlfriend
clown: *stops twisting balloon*
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) August 31, 2020
I showed up to my first day of middle school in a New Kids on the Block fedora. You can’t hurt me.
— Couchy (@CouchTwit) August 5, 2020
I totally meant to vacuum while the kids were out of the house but I accidentally fell asleep instead
– a tale of heroism and triumph
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 31, 2020
Mentally I am here pic.twitter.com/M0XOnKEcTD
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 31, 2020
People who actually put the lawn chair back into the nifty storage bag, what’s it like to be so extra?
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) August 31, 2020
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 31, 2020
You only think you’re a calm, passive person until you catch your husband drying off with your tablecloth
— Maryfairyboberry♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 3, 2020
I really want to lose weight but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
— Positively R@ndi (@ICantEven001) September 3, 2020
big news!!!! just got a lovely email from a guy I think was trying to liken me to 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant but he must be really bad at spelling and capitalizing
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) September 3, 2020
Sometimes being a parent is having three kids and three blueberry muffins and eating three blueberry muffins for breakfast yourself because fuck those kids
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 3, 2020
Me, at the self-checkout: you lookin’ damn fine lady
Store manager: that’s not how this works
Me: *scans belly button with laser*
Store manager: please leave
— Lia (@lifeisforkedup) September 3, 2020
Me: How’s it g-
Guy who just went for a run: Good but my legs are tired.
Guy who just went for a run: Because of the running that I did. On my run.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) September 3, 2020
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
— (@YuckyTom) March 1, 2019
Decided to jazz things up today and shake my angry fist at something other than the sky. Take that, succulent in my windowsill- you know what you probably did.
— Katie Didn’t (@Pork_Chop_Hair) September 3, 2020