I love getting my toddler 3 chicken nuggets so he can scream for more. I also love getting my toddler 5 nuggets so he can take 1 bite of each and tell me he’s full
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) September 10, 2020
I’m balanced in the sense that I enjoy fine dining but also can eat the hell out of macaroni with orange powdered cheese product
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 10, 2020
As a teenager trying to frontman my teenage garage band , “Zero Graphic,” I had always dreamed that someone would want to hear me sing.
I just never figured…
…it would be “Dream a Little Dream of Me”
….at the request of a four year old
…. at 3 in the morning
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) September 10, 2020
Me: Do you ever try to relax and suddenly become hyper aware that your toes are touching?
Woman in next bathroom stall:
— Mummy Dear Is Over It (@ThatMummyLife) September 10, 2020
Just once I would like my family to come into the kitchen while I’m making dinner and compliment me on the fire I made.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 10, 2020
what breed is it?
dog owners: and a neopolitan mastiff/siberian husky mix
cat owners: a stinky one
— suki (@desukidesu) September 10, 2020
I leave open containers of BBQ sauce near all the spiders’ webs in my house so if I swallow them in my sleep there’s a good chance they’re nice and tangy
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) September 10, 2020
me: can i book an extra session next week to get help with my claustrophobia?
therapist: i should be able to squeeze you in
me: ʸᵒᵘ’ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵗᵒ ʷʰᵃᵗ
— kie (@kieransofar) May 12, 2020
— dinosaur (@dinosandcomics) September 10, 2020
People at church today were greeted to my beautiful rendition of The Entertainer during the call to worship.
By beautiful, I mean, I just keep playing it faster and faster until Pastor signals for me to quit 3-4 times before I notice.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) September 13, 2020
Hoarding: Buried Alive but it’s just my kid trying to decide which 500 stuffed animals to sleep with.
— momwithaboysname (@momwithaboysna1) September 12, 2020
My onlyfans is just gonna be me reading Shakespeare out loud but probably with my tits out
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 13, 2020
If you eat a cookie and you don’t finish your milk you need to get another cookie. If you don’t have enough milk for the second cookie you get more milk. If you don’t finish the milk you get another cookie… that’s the cookie cycle.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 13, 2020
7yo son: “Wombats have square poops.”
— jdstalnaked (@jdstalnaked) September 13, 2020
She told me not to put the sweater in the dryer because it would shrink, somehow it got in there and now I have make it disappear and tell her the neighbor lady stole it off the line.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) September 13, 2020