Just squeezed a whole Mio Energy into my can of Monster, gonna try to jump high enough to punch the moon.
— the drake gatsby 👻 (@DrakeGatsby) July 3, 2019
ME: Go away
ANXIETY: make me, bitch
ME: OK [plays favorite music]
ANXIETY: NICE TRY BUT YOU’RE ALREADY WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT SONG YOU CARELESS IDIOT WATCH THE ROAD
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) July 3, 2019
Facebook invented “friending” but facebook spellcheck tells me “friending” is not a real word. I unlike this.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) July 3, 2019
I like to do this fun thing where I set my alarm and pretend I’ll actually wake up before the kids do and then instead I ignore it and I wake up to a tiny version of myself yelling at me.
— Mental Mama (@weedswildflowrs) July 3, 2019
[ sex addicts anonymous ]
Captain Kirk: I slept with so many aliens, but I really just wanted a woman
David Duchovny: I slept with so many women, but I really just wanted an alien
Donkey: I fucked a dragon
— e4moji 🚀 ☕ (@e4moji) July 3, 2019
Me: I didn’t get to drink any coffee the entire day.
Judge: Oh shit man what the fuck? *slaps gavel* Temporary insanity! Get this man an Excedrin.
— Dad That Writes ☕ (@dadthatwrites) July 3, 2019
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
— Holly Haterpants (@heapsOhate) May 19, 2019
Teach a man to fish, and he can finally set up a Tinder profile.
— Bryan With a Why (@doublewenis) July 3, 2019
Welcome to your 30s, you can’t decide if youth slang is cool or idiotic. And you now call it “youth slang.”
— Lauren Fitzgerald (@LaurenKFitz) June 29, 2019
I will never understand how a gas station can go out of business. You sell gas and have filthy bathrooms. What more can anyone ask for?
— feverboner (@feverboner) July 3, 2019
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”
Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) July 2, 2019
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) June 30, 2019
Not to brag but I once spent 5 minutes guiding someone out of a tight parking spot before realizing it was my own car blocking them in.
— WhatserName (@IamEveryDayPpl) May 25, 2017
Person awkwardly complimenting me: Your hands look nice.
Me, being equally awkward:
Thanks. I drink a lot of water.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) June 21, 2019
I sat quiet, nervously waiting to find out whether my sons thought I was more Velma or more Daphne, knowing I’d be a little disappointed either way.
— Worst Cass Scenario (@WorstCassie) July 1, 2019