Not to brag but I can still fit into the resting bitch face I had in high school.
— A Mom Tweets in Brooklyn (@AMomTweetsinBK) July 25, 2019
I truly believe water can solve all of our problems.
Weight loss? Drink water.
Clear skin? Drink water.
Tired of someone? Drown them.
— Heather Antos (@HeatherAntos) July 25, 2019
I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 24, 2019
Parenthood is serving regular meals of, “Dream big, my loves, for you can be anything” with a side of, “Please be less annoying” at least once a week.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 25, 2019
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) January 21, 2015
Me: I need to eat better
Also Me: [buys a more expensive ice cream]— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) July 25, 2019
i have a mug of wine on my right and a candle on my left and i’m increasingly concerned i’m going to pick up the wrong one to drink.
— Janice Rottenberg (@janicero) July 24, 2019
Web site: We noticed that you’re blocking ads.
Me: REALLY? I AM? WELL I AM JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE AND FRANKLY I AM GOING TO REPORT MYSELF TO THE AUTHORITIES— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) July 25, 2019
*takes off Keds*
*puts on yard work Keds*
— Rehydrated Serena (@kidnapped_jesus) July 25, 2019
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) July 25, 2019
I am “the 12th hottest woman in this public library” according to this nice gentleman peeing on the side of the building.
— Adventures In Babyshitting (@KMoFlo_official) July 24, 2019
In the 80s you knew you were about to have sex when you heard a saxophone playing.
— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) July 25, 2019
The first rule of dog-walking:
If the leash is longer than the distance to a tree, the dog is required to run around said tree.
— The Hoarse Whisperer (@HoarseWisperer) July 25, 2019
Crouching Introvert, Hidden Tacos
– my life, Kung Fu style, probably
— A Mom Tweets in Brooklyn (@AMomTweetsinBK) July 25, 2019
Day 3 of Holidaying with two toddlers.
Me: Today I plan on climbing the hill, embracing the life of a nomad, learning to speak sheep, and becoming the legend known as ‘sheep man’…
— Steve (@papa_can_preach) July 25, 2019
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