Me: Hey, do you have to use the potty?
My 3 year-old, as he pees in his pants: NOOOOO… pic.twitter.com/Re8nlY0PPQ
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 19, 2019
music exec: we’ve made a girl band called the spice girls
boss: love it
music exec: we can give them cool spice girl names
boss: yes! like cinnamon, chilli, pepper..?
music exec: no
— john (@mrjohndarby) August 19, 2019
Russian roulette, except it’s my family of 5, who only has one roll of toilet paper left and no time to go shopping until tomorrow.
— Heather🦈Doo doo Doo do (@dishs_up) August 19, 2019
If you come over to my house and find a tiny baggie with dried green stuff in it, prepare to be disappointed. It’s catnip.
— ✨WendyDarling✨ (@wendchymes) August 19, 2019
Pot, Kettle, Black.
You were driving just as fast as I was, officer.
— Maybe She… (@CantWaitToNap) August 19, 2019
Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting ‘what did you say?!’ from another room
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 19, 2019
Me: candy corn is gross.
Wife: I like candy corn.
Me: then I’m sorry to tell you this but any candy corn you’ve ever eaten is older than you by ten years.
Wife: so are you but you seem ok.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) August 19, 2019
waiter: how do u like ur steak
me: like winning an argument with my gf
waiter: rare it is
— alien skier 👽👽👽 (@clichedout) August 19, 2019
[at the salad bar]
I’m gonna make a reasonable salad this time.
[five minutes later]
do you guys have a flatcart for my salad?
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) August 19, 2019
Reply with something (anything) that never fails to make you laugh.
This is mine. I don’t even have to see it, sometimes I’ll just think of it and start cackling to myself. pic.twitter.com/6kxsaX3UUQ
— Ingrid 🌱🏳️🌈🥝 (@griddles83) August 18, 2019
6y.o: “Mom, what would happen if a human peed in the cat litter box? I mean, just IF they did… I’m not saying I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t, I’m just wondering.”
I can’t, people. I just.can’t.even.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 18, 2019
I’m just a girl, staring inside my fridge, begging the random ingredients to get together and make something edible.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 18, 2019
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
— Reeting Fred Savage (@FredTaming) August 19, 2019
I had zero interest in the NFL until someone told me to think of it as millionaires hitting each other.
— Bison (@McGrumpenstein) August 19, 2019
me: can you think of an anagram of “contain”
wife: no i can’t
me: ok thanks anyway
— rocket (@tweetsbyrocket) August 19, 2019