I think the syllabus left out ‘gallon of vodka’ on the “must have” list for successful completion of the course.
— Alvilda (@Alvildalikely) August 30, 2019
I can go from basic to ghetto af faster than you can say, “Sorry ma’am we’re out of bacon & gruyere sous vide egg bites”
— That one chick from the Internet (@PrisonCookies) August 30, 2019
My 2.5 year old can navigate an iPad and continue his shows when Netflix asks but for reasons unknown will not tell me that his diaper is full.
I’m calling Bullshit but wish he’d call it too.
— Evolved Mallrat (@dejavudad) August 30, 2019
brb, looking for a side hustle but without all the hustling
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 30, 2019
I didn’t think I’d ever get good at carpentry, but with a little encouragement I started believing in my shelf
— Jeff Computers (@JeffMyspace) August 29, 2019
Walked out of the salon after getting my hair feathered and a pair of panties hit me in the face.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 29, 2019
wife: Why is Spider-Man in the freezer?
toddler: He knows why
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 30, 2019
I dropped my hydro flask on my toes & was writhing in pain & my sweet husband tried to console me & I responded with “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” if you’re wondering what a gem I am to be married to.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 30, 2019
Life is like carrying a basket of laundry and a sock falls out…
and when trying to pick up that sock, more fall out…
Then the basket catches fire.
— JayWow🍕 (@roxxyrolla1) August 30, 2019
Me: ugh it’s a crappy day. Slow drivers while I was running late to work, crappy responses to a tweet, I’m tired, my shower is broken…
Netflix: there’s a new season of The Great British Baking Show available…
Me: THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!
— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) August 30, 2019
Sure, that shirt is cute, but how well does the material clean your glasses?
— Mallory O’Meara (@malloryomeara) August 30, 2019
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
— Admiral Snaccbar 🐙 (@SimplySnaccbar) August 30, 2019
Once my husband turned off Bohemian Rhapsody in the middle of the song. Reason number 54 that we are now divorced.
— Katie (@good_one_rick) June 5, 2018
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
— Taming Fred Savage (@FredTaming) August 30, 2019
My mom, answering robocall: Well at least you remember to call, unlike certain daughters of mine.
— Minion (@miffedmim) August 30, 2019