It was a simpler time when all you had to do to be kind was rewind.
— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) September 16, 2019
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I brush the Doritos crumbs off my boobs.
— Tԋҽ Gιɾl Wԋσ Cαɱҽ ƚσ Sƚαყ (@Mom_Overboard) September 16, 2019
A Colorado transplant at work laughed when I said pop for soda. Upon the laugh, like a parliament of owls, we spun our heads to look at her.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 16, 2019
Interviewer: your resume says you are often argumentative
Me: no it doesn’t
— 🐦Kate amongst the pigeons🐦 (@MorticiaKate) September 16, 2019
Why do the people who have the loudest conversations on an Amtrak train always have the most boring conversations? If you’re going to basically shout, at least make it interesting.
— Josh Dawsey (@jdawsey1) September 16, 2019
Me, eating ribs: mmnomhmhmnomhhmmnomm
Phone: ring ring mother fucker
Me: *panicked jazz hands*
— ʏʊӄɨօ (@YukioExo) September 15, 2019
A mojito implies the existence of a larryjito and a curlyjito.
— Roarin’ Warren G. Harding (@PopeAwesomeXIII) September 15, 2019
Went to IKEA for a nightstand, somehow ended up with a complete kitchen remodel and a new throw pillow 🤷♀️
— Heather🦈Doo doo Doo do (@dishs_up) September 16, 2019
ME: Being sick sucks
FRIEND: Have you tried eating healthy?
FRIEND: Drinking water?
FRIEND: Have you tried-
ME: contacting an old sea witch to see if she could reverse the curse? [sighing] Yes, and two wizards
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) September 15, 2019
I can sleep an extra 20 min on the weekends or I can wake up to a house that isn’t littered with cereal, half eaten pop tarts, juice box straws and random candy wrappers
But I can’t have both.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 15, 2019
I read somewhere that eating less cheese clears up your skin so I stocked up on foundation and Brie.
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) September 15, 2019
DAD: Danny boy, now is the time for you to choose between going to college and becoming a plumber like your old man.
DANNY BOY: *turns to camera*
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) September 16, 2019
Wife: You said you have a bunch of stuff to get done.
Me: I do.
Wife: You’re just staring off into space.
Me: That’s part of the process.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2019
Kid: Can you help? I can’t find my cat!
Me: Sure. *sets glass of water near the edge of a table.
— Minion (@miffedmim) September 16, 2019
I just witnessed ‘my’ child throw away a dessert lid without licking it and now I’m wondering if it’s too late to get a DNA test?? Horrified 😱🙈#mumlife
— Secret Vent 💕 (@Secret_Vent) September 16, 2019