Sure, police officers should wear body cams, but so should husbands who are sent to the grocery store to buy just one item.
— The Dead Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) October 25, 2019
When I was a kid my Mum told us there was a traditional Polish festival called ‘Slipper Burning Night’ in which everyone set fire to their slippers in the garden for good luck.
So we did.
Years later we found out it she’d made it up because our shoes fucking stunk
— Laura (@fairycakes) October 24, 2019
Me to my kids:
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You need nutritious food.
Eats 4 thin mints and 2 cups of coffee for breakfast.
— SarahcasticMommy (@SarahcasticMom) October 24, 2019
i am 25 and completely burnt out. what am I suppose to do for 50 MORE years? maintain a yard? bitch about traffic? keep buying spinach and watching it die? get oil changes? fucksake
— 🎃witch pony 🎃 (@molly7anne) October 25, 2019
OMG really??? You’re going to start saying “shiitake” instead of “shit” now that your toddler is learning to talk? How absolutely adorable that will be for the three hours it lasts.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 25, 2019
If I was an actor my specialty would be gaining weight for a role
— Bart (@bartandsoul) October 25, 2019
me: [hasn’t been to the gym in a month] that’s ok i’ll just work out for 11 hours tomorrow
— Pumpkin Patches (@Mostly_Cheese) October 25, 2019
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
— TuSoon Shakur (@TuSoonShakur) August 20, 2019
Ok Dad, now click on settings…
Yes, you do have settings.
OMG DAD EVERYONE HAS SETTINGS
Click on general….
No, you’re not summoning the army…
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) January 4, 2019
[first day as an astronaut]
me: exiting the station now
ground control: did you really have to wear those
me: they’re called overALLs jim
— 🦌🎃 sp00ky moose 🎃🦌 (@tiemoose) October 25, 2019
*opens fortune cookie*
“Eat another cookie and leave without paying.”
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) October 22, 2019
Best thing about living alone is knowing that everything bad in your apartment is your fault. Who forgot to get more tp??you did. Who put the tv remote in the freezer wtf??? you ya dink. How come you can never remember your parents birthdays??? They literally raised you you prick
— Evan Stern (@evanjstern) October 25, 2019
Why does the dentist ask how I’m doing? Bad. I’m doing bad. I’m at the dentist.
— Dire Wolf 🏳️🌈 (@ADDiane) October 25, 2019
Toddler: daddy where’re you going?
Me: I’m going to the barber for a shave.
Toddler: what‘s that mean?
Me: it means I’m going to lay in a chair, expose my neck, have a stranger put a sharp blade to my throat and wow this is pretty fucked up when talked out like this.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) October 25, 2019
My highest aspiration is to be the old guy at the diner whose waitress takes his order by saying “Same thing Don?”
— Dude-Bro Dad oh and boo! (@thedadvocate01) October 25, 2019