I’m just going to let that go to voicemail.
*gestures at everything *
— What just happened? (@anxiouscougar) November 6, 2019
My 4-year-old came with me to the doctor and saw me getting weighed. We both learned something that day; he learned a new number and I learned that he’s a huge gossip.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 6, 2019
Overall it’s probably good that my husband doesn’t notice blemishes or physical flaws, but I’ve had frosting all over my chin all morning and he didn’t say a word because he hadn’t noticed.
— Some Boys’ Mother (@someboysmother) November 6, 2019
Nothing worse than hearing a new phrase or slang for the first time then checking it on Urban Dictionary and noticing it was first coined 15 years ago.
— Erik Brans (@erikbransteen) November 6, 2019
If you ever find out someone you hate is going on a road trip, make sure you remind them of the importance of staying hydrated.
— BreakingDadOGV (@erichwithach) November 6, 2019
I swear to fuck I thought it was hair removal cream
— C L U N G E (@ItsAllBollocks) November 6, 2019
I don’t actually understand commas, and I just randomly stick them where the voice in my brain took a breath.
— Princess Punk (@MacabreBassist) August 6, 2019
Wife: Omg…wtf did you do??? I asked you to pick up a gift card for an 11 year old girl?
Me: I did.
Wife: …to Red Lobster???
Me: Oh man…is she allergic to shellfish?
— Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) November 3, 2019
I playfully pointed out gray hair in my husband’s beard and we laughed and laughed. He then playfully pointed out gray hair on my head and we laughed and laughed as he set up his bed on the couch.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 3, 2019
Every couple has one person who’ll clean out the medicine cabinet when things get old, and one person who’ll laugh in the face of death as they chug NyQuil from 1996.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 5, 2019
I’m not the leading lady of the movie I’m the sidewalk goose that chases you to your car outside the theater
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) November 6, 2019
I have three lingering, super-Catholic girl fears: demonic possession, stigmata, and failing to impress Madonna.
— Employee of the Bearimy (@Jenny_Trout) November 6, 2019
My biggest social skill is pretending to listen to my husband talk about sports. His biggest social skill is pretending he cared whether I listened.
— Julicorn 🦄 (@ChicksRule) November 6, 2019
My sex tape is just me pulling apart a grilled cheese and inserting potato chips in slow mo
— ѕηιzzℓє (@SnizTheFriz) November 6, 2019
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015