waiter: [bringing cocktail] your scorpion bowl, sir.
me: [disappointed] oh, it’s like a cute name.
— blank (@mister_blank) December 5, 2019
Me: woah there’s way too many people at this party
Him: i didn’t realize you were clauster-
Me: clusterfuckphobic, yep
— .Mela. (@mela_shea) December 5, 2019
Her: Your Elf on the Shelf is watching us and it creeps me out.
Me: His name is Buddy “Deck the” Holly and if I move him he loses his powers.
— Mal (@TheRealPalMal) December 5, 2019
cashier: you got some id?
Mary Poppins: *pulls out a lamp and mirror looking for her wallet* yea one sec
— jo diggity (@WhaJoTalkinBout) December 5, 2019
Me: streaming services are amazing. I love having so much content available!!
Also me: I’m not reading the titles of 90 different Daniel Tigers so you can decide which one you want to watch!
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 5, 2019
It was all fun and games when I named our smart lock “back door” and it asked if I wanted to grant my husband all access. It was less fun when I sent it to my mom.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) December 4, 2019
The holiday mess. pic.twitter.com/Hkb08e1bLG
— The New Yorker (@NewYorker) December 5, 2019
Contemplating leaving up the “Happy Birthday” banner from when my son turned 2 since technically it would work for a Christmas decoration if I tape a piece of paper that says “Jesus” next to it 🤷🏻♀️
— InnerMomalogues (@IMomalogues) December 5, 2019
Me 15 minutes ago looking at myself in the mirror after a shower : ugh. I need to get serious about losing weight
Me now: boy! Brioche bread really makes a perfect meatloaf sandwich! pic.twitter.com/i7gxkG9Qt2
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) December 4, 2019
*My car is parked. Windows are fogged. A cop taps on a window, which rolls down to reveal me with a stack of pancakes.*
Cop: Oh. Sorry. I thought something else was going on here.
Me: No problem, Officer. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta finish having sex with these pancakes.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 27, 2019
For anyone who needs to hear this, it’s easiest to water your Christmas tree using empty wine bottles.
You should use a different bottle every couple of days.
The second part isn’t as much for the tree as it is for you.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) December 5, 2019
You ever watch your child fall asleep, their angelic faces a portrait of peace, and then think to yourself “wow, you were a real fucking dick today”
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 6, 2019
If Zinc lozenges are supposed to be good for my immune system, why do I feel like I’m gonna vomit lemon?
— K Trevor Wilson (@KTrevorWilson) December 3, 2019
I like to pretend that my second chin is just my first chin’s younger brother, who has come to visit for the holiday.
— Cesspool (@of_a_genepool) December 5, 2019
I just want a cute easy to care for hairstyle that makes me look 20 years younger and removes my emotional patina of hopelessness and self doubt.
— Elena Christmaswaster Jr. (@elunatyk) December 5, 2019