Son, playing: “And the dinosaurs eat the horse!” Continues in a whisper “this just turned into a horror movie”
And other creepy shit my toddler says.
— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) April 24, 2019
My son now requires a harmonica to pee because ….toddlers
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 24, 2019
Life of a toddler pic.twitter.com/3Tv2j93dra
— Hilary 😏wens (@Hil67) April 24, 2019
How I imagined gardening with my two toddlers:
Picking flowers, finding bugs together and general cuteness.
“Don’t eat that rock/worm/dirt!”
“Climb down from that fence!!”
“Please stop putting rocks in Papa’s shorts” *said while bent over a garden bed with butt exposed*
— Steve (@papa_can_preach) April 23, 2019
Finding the correct pants leg is the toddler equivalent of docking a shuttle with the international space station.
— Grumpy Dad (@DadisGrumpy) April 22, 2019
[Infomercial where man tries to do absurdly basic thing like pour a glass of milk and spills the entire carton]
VOICEOVER: Has this ever happened to you?
MY TODDLER: Oh my god, yes!
— The Dad (@thedad) April 22, 2019
Going on the toddler diet. It consists of just licking PB&J off of various carbohydrate vehicles.
— Sanguine Grin (@canuckyoutoo) April 22, 2019
You may think that you’re a patient person but until you’ve watched a toddler attempt to pick up a mini chocolate chip using a fork for 17 minutes because he “wanted to do it all by himself,” you’ll never truly know.
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 22, 2019
It like “Say Yes to the Dress” but it’s just trying to get a toddler into her dress before church.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) April 21, 2019
My toddler is walking around with his tool box asking “what needs fixed?”
He then proceeds to hit it twice with a hammer and excitedly exclaim “All Fixed!”
Needless to say, I’ve taught him everything that I know about home improvement.
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 20, 2019
I’m not gonna lie. I’m jealous of toddlers with a 7:30 p.m. bedtime and sleeping until whatever time they wake up naturally.
— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) April 18, 2019
Other parents taking their toddlers to day care for their trial session before returning to work full time:
“OMG it was so sad, I cried all the way home!”
Me: *skipping out the door*
*googles if drinking wine at 9am is considered ‘too early’*
— Steve (@papa_can_preach) April 18, 2019
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 18, 2019
Toddler: Daddy, will you open this rectangle?
Me: Uhm, or what we normal people call a door?
(Only moderately concerned that my child has been replaced by a sentient robot)
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) April 18, 2019
Toddler: “I hit my head. 😭”
Me: “Did you fall after jumping on the bed when I told you not to?”
Me: “This is pretty hackneyed. It’s literally the plot of ‘10 Little Monkeys.’”
— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) April 16, 2019