I’m attaching googly eyes to every gem on my daughter’s princess tiara for Halloween. There’s no reason for it really, she’s going as a fairy princess.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) October 25, 2019
Parent: If you didn’t have candy you could have just said so
Me: *scooping hummus into kids’ candy buckets* Really, it’s no problem.
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) October 25, 2019
My 6yo is going to be a half angel/half devil for Halloween and I’ve never seen a more self-aware costume choice.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 25, 2019
This is the greatest halloween costume I have ever seen in my life! 😂 😂 😂
— Eddie Zipperer (@EddieZipperer) October 25, 2019
Easily one of the best Halloween costumes of all time pic.twitter.com/cbqOqmOKXt
— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) October 25, 2019
Mugger: Hand over the jewelry!
Me: *hands him two bracelets and a necklace*
Mugger: These are made of candy.
— the drake gatsBOO 👻🎃 (@DrakeGatsby) October 25, 2019
if you want to find out what people really think of you in the harshest way possible, just wear your regular clothes to a halloween party and let strangers guess what your costume is
— jack wagner (@jackdwagner) October 25, 2019
— joan cooke (@joancooke5) October 25, 2019
Me: Ok, kids, dump your candy out so we can begin trading
Kids: Please no, you make it not fun
Me: Nonsense! I’m totally fun
[ 5 minutes later ]
Me, smoking a cigar: Two Smarties for a full-size Snickers? You think this is a game, Brylen? Get the fuck outta here, you worm
— SerenAAAHHHHH!!!! (@kidnapped_jesus) October 25, 2019
7-year-old: *puts on witch hat*
Me: You can’t wear your costume right now.
7: It’s not a costume.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2019
Handing out candy for Halloween:
– trash all over your lawn
– too many knocks on the door
Hanging a beehive:
– rewards bravery
– zero knocks
— tomb slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 25, 2019
[trick or treating]
neighbor: aren’t you a little old to be doing this?
me: I’m a small child, this is just a really convincing tired mom costume
— Spook Ankles (@ankles_so_weak) October 25, 2019
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
— Funkenstein (@FU_TangClan) October 25, 2019
The problem with Halloween when you’re a pumpkin. pic.twitter.com/xjIrZXWcGz
— Art Young (@outpostart) October 25, 2019
[house burning down]
me: oh no I can’t believe it’s gone
firefighter: was this your home?
me: this was the house that gave out full size candy bars
— unhuman aaron (@humanaaron) October 25, 2019