Son: am I adopted?
Dad: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
— Classic Dad Moves (@ClassicDadMoves) March 24, 2017
Me: Your bedtime was 15 minutes ago.
4-year-old: I’m not tired. I’m a dinosaur.
Me: Your bedtime was 65 million years ago.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2017
Me: Parenthood for $800, Alex.
Alex: The answer is “Everywhere”?
M: What is “Places my kids whine?”
A: That is correct!
[Crowd goes wild.]
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 22, 2017
Science: About 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered by water
Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky
— Meh Madness (@TheAlexNevil) March 17, 2017
Me: *lying on my deathbed. Frail, in and out of consciousness.*
9: Mom! I pluggged the toilet!
— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) March 22, 2017
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 22, 2017
I’ve never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 21, 2017
Just spent 10 minutes watching the wrong kid at the park. That explains why she was so well behaved.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) March 23, 2017
Other Mom: Is there any sound better than children laughing?
Me: Yes, the sound they make when they’re not saying anything.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 23, 2017
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 19, 2017
9yo: I feel sick.
Me: Do you think you’re going to throw up?
9: Yes. Can I have some chips?
— Missy (@MamaFizzles) March 11, 2017
Just watched #BeautyAndTheBeast with my family; and, when Gaston died, my 3yo son yelled “Take that, butthead.” It was my favorite part 😂😂
— Mattie Montgomery (@ForTodayMattie) March 24, 2017
I’m not saying world peace isn’t complicated, but I am saying my kids just agreed on a tv show to watch.
Your move UN.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 23, 2017
Not to brag, but my kid is all seven dwarves combined into one.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) March 23, 2017
Process of clothing decay:
Only at home clothes
Too bad for anywhere clothes
Only shirt my kid will wear
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2017