Me: When I die I want to be cremated. I want my ashes to be mixed into a glaze, and I want that glaze to be drizzled over a donut.
Wife: *about to take a bite of a glazed donut* You son of a bitch.
Me: *already eating her donut* Imma taste so good.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 2, 2019
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 2, 2019
Added 2,000 steps on my FitBit by just wandering the office looking for donuts.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 2, 2019
shinobu : can i have a birthday donut?
me: its not your birthday.
shinobu: the donut wont know.
— koyomin (@koyoararagi_bot) May 2, 2019
When the boss says there’s donuts in the break room
— Coach B. (@MichaelBhurst) May 2, 2019
Coworker: want a coffee?
Me: my brain is fried and my eyes just glazed over so I donut know
Coworker: 6-pack assorted?
Me: it’s like you read my mind
— Just J (@junejuly12) May 2, 2019
Wyatt and I decided we’re gonna open up a dispensary/donut shop and name it “glazed and confused”. 😂
— Hailey 🌙 (@haileyiguess_) May 2, 2019
Day of reckoning for the donut thief. pic.twitter.com/hD0PpshAbe
— Kevin Jones 💛🖤 ^-^ (@wyndowlicker) May 2, 2019
Staff appreciation week.
I’ve only had about 7 donuts, 3 pieces of pizza, and a pint of ice cream
I can’t decide if these parents just really appreciate us or they’re just trying to get us fat
— Kels (@_KelseyyJean) May 2, 2019
I’m legit not hungry, but a donut was just offered to me & how could I say no?
— Courtney Harris (@googlemebitchhh) May 2, 2019
How many doughnut shops do YOU follow on Instagram?!
A strange flex, but one I used today nonetheless.
— cjnotcregg (@cjnotcregg) May 2, 2019
It’s a 10 & 1/2 doughnut kind of day
— blank (@sucregreg) May 2, 2019
When you take half a doughnut as if you’re not gonna eat the other half right after
— [hʌfsɑ] (@AnthemFlashback) May 2, 2019
*maintains eye contact as I dunk my doughnut in your coffee*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 30, 2019
Fully typed out then deleted no fewer than five quarrelsome tweets yesterday, a personal record, and this is why I plan to have a doughnut for breakfast.
— Farran Nehme (@selfstyledsiren) April 22, 2019