*waiting patiently beside Christmas tree* my Elf on a Shelf should be back with his pack of smokes any minute now
— Ol’ Milkbag Roberts (@c12h22o11balls) December 5, 2019
Friend: What’s up with your elf on a shelf?
Me: I don’t know, he just showed up one day. He won’t stop complaining.
Legolas: You have my bow and I want it back.
— Christina leader of zombie Xmas tree army 🦇👻🤘 (@Aikiwomannc) December 5, 2019
If I wanted to be in a passive aggressive relationship, I’d have an Elf on the Shelf silently judging me.
— Aunt Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) December 5, 2019
Me: Remember when I was a life sized elf on a shelf, only I passed out drunk on the kitchen counter in the small elf costume?
Friend: Yes, my kids are still in therapy because of that one.
— Sir Shithead I (@sir_shithead_I) December 5, 2019
#HolidaySpecialsYouWontSee The Story of the Death of Elf on the Shelf…😾😹🐾 pic.twitter.com/1Ye6nxGQOD
— Titmouse (@Titmousie) December 4, 2019
Elf on the Shelf is essentially a way for my kids to make sure I do one productive thing once they go to sleep.
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) December 5, 2019
Is it weird to have an elf on the shelf if I live alone oh god I think it’s mad I’m writing this.
— Matt (@Stap_Jr) December 3, 2019
I haven’t even gotten Christmas decorations out so I’m just using a skeleton decoration from Halloween as the “Elf on the Shelf” this year.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) December 4, 2019
I bought my 4yo a set of Christmas PJs that make her look like an elf bc I thought it would be funny.
Turns out the jokes on me bc when she came and stood silently in my room staring at me at 3am last night, I legit freaked out thinking that damn Elf on a Shelf came alive.
— 🎄 Stay at Homies 🎄 (@stayathomies) December 2, 2019
Forgot to buy Elf on a Shelf so we’re doing One Armed Barbie with the Bad Haircut on the Liquor Cabinet
— Elisabeth🎄 (@YourMomsucksTho) December 1, 2019
Kids: MOM! The Elf on the Shelf is outside!!
Me: Oh, is he? *locks doors*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 3, 2019
Elf on the shelf who?? Someone please get me a Snoop on a stoop ! pic.twitter.com/GneSZi4NfQ
— Jenna (@cyrus_jennax) December 4, 2019
Apparently Elf on the shelf is contributing to Barbies college fund. pic.twitter.com/AjyD1DE7y4
— M (18+) (@Daddy_Unleashed) December 4, 2019
If you have your hand up to tell me about your elf on the shelf, put it down.
*all the hands go down*#teacherproblems
— Mary Kay Wigginton (@mk_wigginton) December 3, 2019
6:13 AM
Me:😴😳
9YO:[standing near bed] Dad! The Elf on the Shelf didn’t show up this morning.
Me: Oh, that’s weird…
Wife:🤦♀️
9YO: Do you think he’s in jail?
— TonyL (@creativeTypeDad) November 29, 2019
Emily Parker is a musician, writer, and avid reader who started Bucket List Book Reviews, the ‘1,001 Books to Read Before You Die’ project. For Sweatpants & Coffee, Emily hopes to inspire the reading of the classics by a whole new audience by only reviewing the really good stuff.
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