Tweet Roundup | This Week’s Funniest Tweets About Living With Small Children

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My toddler told me my car was dirty without a hint of irony, as though she doesn’t consistently fling Cheerios around the backseat like rice at a wedding.

— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 29, 2018

Baby pooped all over her clothes, toddler threw up all over his bedding, and I can’t put anything in the wash because we’ve trapped a mouse in the laundry room if you want to know how today’s going.

— Rachel Held Evans (@rachelheldevans) May 29, 2018

Husband left #Toddler on supervising level code *low* for a few minutes. Toddler got markers from high shelf and gave himself a full set of sleeves.

The shelf was very high. In a different room. On a different floor.

We are definitely expecting a letter from #Hogwarts

— Daily Toddler Slice (@ToddlerDaily) May 29, 2018

Toddler: (waking up from a nap)

Me: Hi buddy!

Toddler: I Poo-Poo!

Me: (eyes watering from the stench) Well aware my friend, well aware.#Dadlife #Parenting

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) May 28, 2018

toddler *carrying two soapy bars of soap*
Me: what are you doing?
toddler: it’s private
Me: tell me
toddler: I’m going to skate down the hallway on these

— Flannery Dean (@Flannsplainer) May 30, 2018

Is being exhausted all day from waking up at 5:30 enjoyable? No.

But is being exhausted all day from waking up at 5:30 and getting extra snuggles from my adorable toddler and the collection of stuffed animals he insists on carrying into bed with him totally worth it? Still no.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 30, 2018

#ATourOfMyHouse

Here. Take these ear plugs. You’ll need them for all the loud toddler toys and screaming.

— Jenny 🍀 (@Safe_Haven0419) May 30, 2018

Just asked the toddler to pick up her toys but she told me she’s too tired and her back hurts. Wow, they really DO grow up so fast because suddenly she’s 67 years old.

— ✨WendyDarling✨ (@wendchymes) May 29, 2018

Wife: does our Toddler make you sing itsy bitsy spider?

Me: all the time

Wife: at least she claps when we’re done

Me: haha yeah she does.

[later]

Me: [eyes narrowed] why don’t you clap when I sing for you?

Daughter: mama!

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) May 29, 2018

Ten years ago:
Boss: Where are all the pens?!
Me: *In background, with pens in pocket, laughing*

Today:
Me: Where are all the pens?!
My toddler: *Runs past me with pen marks on face, laughing*

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 29, 2018

While some people do Crossfit, some of us just put pajamas on toddlers.

Let’s face it, we’re all probably burning the same amount of calories.#Dadlife #Parenting

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) May 29, 2018

I love when strangers point out my toddler’s bruises and ask where they came from.

Ummm I don’t know they’re like small drunk people, it probably came from one of the 87 times they trip per day, Janet.

— Kristen (@kristen_laurren) May 29, 2018

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 28, 2018

Toddler hobbies:

-sock removal
-random screaming
-putting stickers on all the shit they see
-salivating on their fingers and putting them in people’s faces
-climbing onto things. Climbing back down. Climbing back up. Repeat.
-sharing food with the floor
-hugs

— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) May 27, 2018

Me, to my toddler, who is knocking on the closed and locked bathroom door: “I’ve updated my privacy policy”

— Audrey Assad (@audreyassad) May 26, 2018

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