My wife stopped a fire at work and saved the whole lab.
I caught an M&M in my mouth on the third try.
It’s been a big day for both of us.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 16, 2017
My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries…
— Tanner Tolbert (@ttolbert05) February 17, 2017
Sometimes my wife will ask me to set the table & I have to remind her that because of my judo training we don’t have a table anymore.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 17, 2017
toddler *puts shoe on*
wife: Is there anything he can’t do?
me: Buy beer
me: Open child proof lids
wife: That’s enough
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 17, 2017
Wife: *hands me bobby pins* Put these with the other ones.
Me: *throws them without looking*
— Matthew A. Johnson (@Cee_choice) February 16, 2017
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf pic.twitter.com/94rPig06hO
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) February 15, 2017
why does everyone always tell my wife she is a “very patient woman”
— Chris Farren (@chrisfarren) February 16, 2017
My dog reacts to the sound of the blender the same way I react when my wife says “So which women at your office do you think are hot?”
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) February 16, 2017
“You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee,” I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
My husband would rather come home to find me with another man than with a West Elm catalogue and the measuring tape.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2017
When my bf calls me by my real name pic.twitter.com/CnXrAuxXhS
— Ciel Kardash (@mamicielito) February 17, 2017
My ex husband was such a treasure , I wanted to bury him .
— That Girl (@smartmouthred) February 16, 2017
Little one pooped finally. Older is at practice, needs picked up. Meat loaf in the fridge. I’ll bang you later if ur awake.
~ married sext
— MikeP (@patnspankme) February 16, 2017
when I get married I will change my first name AND my last name. so will my partner. we just have to decide who is michelle & who is barack.
— |||||||||||||CALEB (@calebsaysthings) February 16, 2017
When I’m having a bad day I just remember my moms maiden name is eaton & she almost married a dude with the last name ham. Rhonda eaton ham
— Ashlyn (@ashlyngreenway3) February 15, 2017