When I was a kid Santa really wanted me to have new socks.
— Steve Howey (@stevehowey) December 11, 2018
I’d love my kid’s long eyelashes, flawless skin, naptime, and over abundance of energy. Seriously, they aren’t even using them anyway.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) December 10, 2018
did everyone know the ‘i saw mommy kissing santa claus’ song is about the kid’s dad just being dressed as santa cuz i always thought it was about the mom… cheating w santa… and i thought that was kinda fucked up
— lyn (@MAMETCHl) December 11, 2018
If santa keeps track of “naughty” kids every “year”, and the year doesn’t start until January 1st, that leaves 6 days after Christmas and New Years left undocumented, so nothing you do can be held against you.
— Shower Thoughts (@TheWeirdWorld) December 9, 2018
I recently heard a man text a radio show praising his wife for “doing it all at Christmas.” I imagined him sitting on the sofa, watching her balance three kids, a tree, and dinner and thinking: “I know, I’ll text the radio. That’ll really lift her load.” https://t.co/iz4bl6Uqwf
— Frances Ryan (@DrFrancesRyan) December 11, 2018
— Top Memes (@dailyfreshmemes) December 12, 2018
Let the kids believe in Santa..
You over there believing in Herbalife & blaming your shitty personality on astrology and no ones telling you shit.
— rachel. (@Mind0nFleek) December 6, 2018
Me: What u want for Christmas?
9yo: I’ve written my letter to Santa already!
Me: Cool! Where is it?
9yo: I burnt it! 🙂
Me: What, why??
9yo: Kids in school said it goes to Nth Pole quicker so I threw it in the fire!🔥
Me: *weakly – What did it say??
9yo: Ah Santa knows!
— Ciara Kelly (@ciarakellydoc) December 6, 2018
Going to take the kids to the mall Saturday to see Santa, and get family pictures done. Plus I need to get lotion for my thug life tattoo.
— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) December 6, 2018
Kid: ” I’m going to ask Santa for a Mercedes and if I don’t get one I’ll know he’s not real.”
So I guess this year is when the magic is going to end.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) December 4, 2018
Yeah kid, you saw your mommy kissing me last night. There was no mistletoe. She likes to make out and has a thing for beards. I’m your dad now. Go to tf to bed.
— Drunk (Bat) Santa (@SantaDrinks) December 4, 2018
The advent calendar was definitely invented by a parent. It was never about the kids counting down the days till Santa arrives with chocolate. It’s all about reminding parents how many days we have left to get our shit together before the holidays.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets 🤶🏻🎅🏻🎄 (@gfishandnuggets) December 3, 2018
Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?
Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Blitzen?
*a dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*
Santa: the year was 1940, and the Germans had our backs against a wall
— William Pierce II (@WillPierceDude) December 2, 2018
Unprompted, my kid has come to surveillance capitalism early and decided that Santa has a fleet of drones that are out about checking up on children’s behaviour throughout December.
— Rachel Coldicutt (@rachelcoldicutt) December 1, 2018
Coworker: doing anything this weekend?
Me: going to see Santa
Coworker; ahh, taking the kids to see Santa
Me: taking the what now?
— Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) November 28, 2018